All Comments on 'Lingerie Frat Party'

For your first story it was great. Building the chharacters, outfit description, the meeting, the dance and finally the climax (pun intended) at the end was very well done. A short story with all the elements to make it a great story. Please write more.

you are an amazing writer. Your details are so vivid. I can't wait to read more. ;-)

This was great. My only disappointment was discovering that you don't have a backlog of other works to read. I can't wait to see more.

A good hot story. Your narrator is believable, and you make a what could have been just another formula stroker into a story that I wanted to read. Your girls are real. I'd like to know more about Kara and Julie, though, what their backgrounds are, how they discovered their inner lesbian selves, what college is like for them.

You know if a a story is good I'll read it all the way through and then bring out my quibbles.

“brushed me arm”. Unless you’re a pirate (yarrr!), she “brushed my arm.”

“I decided to just put my thoughts aside and just go with the moment.” Too many “just”s, and the first one splits an infinitive. Try this: “I decided to put my thoughts away and just go with the moment.”

“She brushed against the side of breast and we got even closer.” should be “She brushed against the side of my breast and we got even closer.”

“I let me hands”. Unless you’re channeling Captain Jack Sparrow, it should be “I let my hands”.

“Then, I looked up and we made eye contact.” Why do you need “then”? Clearly you looked up after whatever else went before. Unnecessary word.

“all the guys were starting, jaws to the floor.” should be “all the guys were staring, jaws to the floor.”

“look, I'm sorry. I should go." Should be “Look, I’m sorry. I should go.” Start a sentence with a capital letter.

"What!" I exclaimed?. Punctuation. Should be “What?!” I exclaimed.”

said, "that sounds like fun”. Should be “said, "That sounds like fun.” Start a sentence with a capital letter.

“least a D cup – but perky and perfect.” Cliché. Any more perky breasts and I’ll scream. How about ripe and perfect?

“I laid in the sheets.” No, you lay on the sheets or under the sheets. You just got laid.

Good start. Write some more.

A Very Good & Sexciting Story

I Especially Like First Time Lesbian Sex, And It Be"CUM"ing

A Threesome Is Really A Different Twist To The First Lesbian Sex.

I Agree A Big Disappoinment Is That You Don't Have Any Other

Stories Posted Yet. I Am Looking Forward To Read More Of Your Stories.

Kisses

Really enjoyed this story and looking forward to more of the same from this talented author.

Brilliant.

Great story! Hope it is true -- if not, still fabulous! Thanks!

OMG!! I wanna go and meet them at a party!!!

Brook

brookebaby121@yahoo.com

loved your story! you have a real talent. please keep them coming!!!