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English
Wonderful story.
Keep on writing, I hope to read the next part soon.
Wasn't his name Chris in the first chapter?
"I love you, Chris, and, if you love me too, then how can this ever hurt us?"
Great story, but.........
Try to keep to plain English. While your writing is - in most aspects - gammatically correct, much of your vocabulary is unnecessary and far too elaborate. Keeping the language simple is far mor enjoyable for the readers of erotica. Still a very good story, though.
agree with RAFMAN
you really need to keep it simple NO BIG WORDS. just because you use big words doesn't make you smart or a good writer. remember the old saying "KISS-KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID" and be sure to keep the names the same please
DBRS
The problem with the big words ...
... is that you're not really in control of them. For example, consider the word "elicit" in the sentence "This caused Hannah to elicit a number of short moans." To elicit something is to draw it forth (for example, a teacher may ask a question to elicit an answer from a student), so what this means is that Hannah made Chris/Andy moan. But then we get "which I hadn't been privy to last night", which shows that it's Hannah doing the moaning. Being jerked between two different interpretations of the situation like this is extremely distracting.
The rest of the sentence is just as confusing: "at least with the unrestrained noise police of my family." Does that mean noise police who are unrestrained, or police who prevent unrestrained noise? Either way, the idea is bizarre, and "with" is in any case not the appropriate preposition.
There's quite a lot of this in your earlier piece. For example, "revealing a chest which I was deservedly admirable of" has a confused point of view: is Chris/Andy admiring his own chest here? Furthermore, we admire things, we don't admire of them. Changing the relative clause to "which deserved to be admired" would be at least consistent, even if it makes Chris/Andy sound like a pompous prick. "We took constantly miniscule breaks" probably means that they constantly took breaks which were minuscule, but as written it reads that they took breaks which were constantly minuscule, as if a single break could be of other than a fixed duration.
"I removed my speedos, freeing my cock from sexual retribution". Retribution is revenge; what revenge are we talking about here? Do you mean "inhibition"? "We symbiotically circulated a motorised pleasure chain"; you can circulate a fluid, but chains circulate by themselves. "Impetus in giving her pleasure" is unidiomatic: "impetus" takes "to give". I could go on, but this comment is more than long enough already.
You need to weed your prose, or get one of Lit's volunteer editors to do it for you. "'Read over your compositions, and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out."
Great
Keep the chapters coming fast and longer.Thanks
I agree with others....but
I have to agree your in way over your head with your use of "big words", it isn't very impressive when missused, stop trying to sound smart, and just be yourself....theres nothing wrong with that. The world needs different pionts of view.
3 4 5 6 9
Why do stories always have a big cock , when most are 5 1/2 to 6" , dream on I quess !!!!
Good story realistic premise
You should try to be more realistic. Your desire is shared by many brothers. A relationship like this can be beneficial to both siblings. Keep writing, you have a lot of feelings to get out.
Great Read
This story is incredibly good. You write with a great deal of passion. One of the best incest stories I have ever read. Sure hope the next chapter comes along soon.
Good storyline. Wording concerns.
Before I start, I want to say that I have a strong vocabulary. One of the things I love about language is how different words with virtually identical definitions can convey very different feelings or impressions and can "color" the meaning. Consider "bright" and "luminous" as an example.
As others have said, the overall storyline has a lot of promise but I keep finding myself distracted by the sesquipedalian style. OK, I won't use words like that from here on. :) Just making a point.
This chapter seems to have improved considerably from the first instalment. Unfortunately there are still quite a few places were words seem to be added just for the sake of adding them. Often they don't add anything more to idea being presented. Other times, the wrong form of a word is chosen.
The result is language which was often redundant. At worst the meaning was practically nonsensical. A few times I found myself tripping over the words and struggling to understand the meaning you were trying to convey. I understood the words themselves, but the sentences constructed with them were bit rocky. The tendency towards overly long sentences compounds the problem.
In the end, the story comes across as if you are attempting to sound haughty or more learned than you actually are. It also feels like it was written with extensive use of a thesaurus without the knowledge of whether the alternative words found actually fit where they were used.
Please continue the story, but write more like you would actually talk. I highly recommend reading the story aloud. If you stumble over sentences you'll know they need to be rewritten.
@Rigatony
That is true, but the writing styles we use (Big dicks and perfect chicks) Is always looked down on. Why?
MORE
Please give us more SOON!
so-so
more unneeded big words and a writer that totally fails to finish what they start. readers do not like to be left hanging either finish what you start or don't start at all. half a story is worse than no story at all. if you don't want to finish it properly either find someone that will or delete the series and all other unfinished stories.
More
Please finish the story
Picky bastards.
You can not win with these folk, either you use gutter language and get slammed, or if you try to raise the tone just a tad you get pilloried as a poseur.
For chrissake readers get the gist of the fiction and if necessary let your imagination take over and enjoy the story.
Okay but...
It was okay but the brother needs to cum inside his sister. Just my preference for a story, as I do prefer incest pregnancy situations...
Calm down
You write with such achingly inappropriate "big words" that I can't take it seriously. I THINK that underneath is a decent story but you should write in your own voice. I'll bet you don't speak like that.
come on, you guys can't see the forest for the trees
I can't understand why readers would leave such picky-picky comments on an excellent story of hot bro into sis fucking. First, the gifted author is 18 to 22 years old, and if there are some piddling errors, just ignore them and encourage Mr. J to offer more contributions on this exciting theme. As for the story itself, I think it's great. Andy's baby sister is a virgin, he knows she's got to get her cherry busted sooner or later, and he's sure "her boyfriend's not the guy to do it." Busting his kid sister's cherry is the righteous job of a big brother. Andy loves his sister Hannah, he's concerned for her wellbeing, not like some jerk who just wants to get his rocks off. It's Andy's big hard cock that should be the first cock up Hannah's slender legs, and his brotherly balls that should be first to shoot a huge load of semen up her pretty little twat. Andy feels not only the joy of stuffing and flooding his beloved sister with what he's got between his strong young legs, but also the pride of making her cum like crazy. True love and bonding between a big brother and his baby sister.
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