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Mirage

byoneiria©
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by Anonymous

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by twelveoone03/22/11

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oneiria, this is not food for the soul. 1st two lines good, 2nd seem like shock for shock's sake, wrap up line schlock. 4

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by UnderYourSpell03/22/11

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I agree with what 1201 said, great first line though

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by vrosej1003/25/11

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I can see what you are trying to do with this but there is too little coherance between the imagery. Go check out some decent haiku on line (suggest Gean Tree Magazine) and see how this kind of metaphor is pulled off.

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by bronzeage03/28/11

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The analogy of the limo and the fox eyeball does not hold, so the metaphors and similes of this piece conflict and fall short.

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