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English
is there
a reason for the structure? Some of it looks like better than average porn. But, honestly, I can't see the poetry for the arrangement. A 4.
~
I'd like this far better if I didn't have to search through the odd shapes to find the poem, it doesn't need that sort of layout. Bits here and there are clichéd but it kept my attention to the end, far more than a lot of the recent dirty ditties submitted and masquerading as poetry.
Shapely
Loved the shape. Some people may view it as contrived, but isn't poetry a contrivance?
Except
when it is excessive it becomes a distraction, anon. say something about the poem. at least the word choices at the end of the line are, for the most part, good choices.
Words do not have a shape,
so shaped poems are an illusion. Justify to right or left and the diamonds become a sawtooth edge. Read one aloud and the audience has no idea what shape the lines take on the page. It could be called a contrivance, but no more so than haiku, tanka or other syllable count poems. It is not a negative criticism, just a technical description. This piece pushes the limits of contrivance. This many diamonds on a necklace would be called gaudy. There is a limit in every art.
I read this piece silently and then aloud. The meter is broken in the first line with "If you were only here". "If only you were here, reads smoother. Many of the following lines contain words which break the read in a similar way and seem to be inserted just to maintain the shape. The imagery suffers for it.
One part cannot be overlooked (pardon the reformatting into sawtooth):
"I take your
throbbing clit firmly in my
hot mouth, tugging it
like a great white
shark,"
No. Don't do that. Never combine a clitoris and a shark simile.
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