'Now you do to my anus what you did for my cunt'. Nobody in the real world has ever uttered such a sentence. You need to work on making the dialogue realistic. The story suffers from poor spelling and grammar. Finally, you did very little to develop the characters or the story before they were fucking each other. Other than that, it was great.
by
Anonymous03/31/11
wanna be writer
yet another wanna be writer who's EGO wont let him use a good editor. this needs to be removed and rewritten then put through a good editor before reposting. SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND SOME RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND ALWAYS USE A GOOD EDITOR BEFORE POSTING.
DBRS
by
Anonymous03/31/11
An Early Try?
Alright, for the person shouting in allcaps, cool down. If you're going to criticize somebody else's work, it helps your credibility to do some self-editing of your own.
That said, this does suffer from some problems with credibility. The dialogue is unnatural, the scene as a whole a bit hasty (both in reaching the sex and fulfilling it), and I am not certain anybody could walk around dripping precum constantly. The setting is certainly interesting, though, and could have been used to greater effect to build the tension. All in all, it's not a bad effort.
by
Anonymous04/02/11
Good reasoms for bad ratings
I see you've never had a story rated over 4.0 - the reason being such sloppy writing. The examples are so numerous I'm not sure there is enough bytes available to list all of them. When I came to this - "mourning" - when I figured you actuaqlly meant morning I quit reading. Previous comments about needing an editor are so true. I suspect that English is a second language for you - either that or you dropped out of school in 5th grade.
English
Needs work
'Now you do to my anus what you did for my cunt'. Nobody in the real world has ever uttered such a sentence. You need to work on making the dialogue realistic. The story suffers from poor spelling and grammar. Finally, you did very little to develop the characters or the story before they were fucking each other. Other than that, it was great.
wanna be writer
yet another wanna be writer who's EGO wont let him use a good editor. this needs to be removed and rewritten then put through a good editor before reposting. SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND SOME RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND ALWAYS USE A GOOD EDITOR BEFORE POSTING.
DBRS
An Early Try?
Alright, for the person shouting in allcaps, cool down. If you're going to criticize somebody else's work, it helps your credibility to do some self-editing of your own.
That said, this does suffer from some problems with credibility. The dialogue is unnatural, the scene as a whole a bit hasty (both in reaching the sex and fulfilling it), and I am not certain anybody could walk around dripping precum constantly. The setting is certainly interesting, though, and could have been used to greater effect to build the tension. All in all, it's not a bad effort.
Good reasoms for bad ratings
I see you've never had a story rated over 4.0 - the reason being such sloppy writing. The examples are so numerous I'm not sure there is enough bytes available to list all of them. When I came to this - "mourning" - when I figured you actuaqlly meant morning I quit reading. Previous comments about needing an editor are so true. I suspect that English is a second language for you - either that or you dropped out of school in 5th grade.
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