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English
i liked this too
'truely' or 'true'? (would that be an improvement or not?)
In pitching
there are fast balls, and curves. Nice curve. Interesting noun phrase ending. A 5.
nice but.....
.....I agree with WSO. "True" would make that last line smoother and sweeter. You're fast becoming the king of seductive poetry, B'age. :-)
****
The first couple of lines don't make much sense to me.
The divine compass which traced the stars
left the heavens to scribe a line more delicate
than the moon's path across the crisp night sky.
The divine compass traced the stars
to scribe a line more delicate
than the moon's path across the crisp night sky.
Just a thought. Nice poem, which had me thinking of John Donne. 5
a five from me for this despite
me wanting to read 'true' rather than 'truly'
i liked your opening lines - illustrating the broad arc described by the compass following the moon (though part of me see's 'pole star') - and how that was honed to a far smaller, far more specific arc of the celestial body your narrator has 'found'. a lovely way of saying how enchanted the N is by the perfection he's found in her body.
The divine compass which traced the stars
left the heavens to scribe a line more delicate
than the moon's path across the crisp night sky.
No arc in heaven can match
the curve from knee to your waist.
I will abandon star gazing
and spend my nights under a roof
for I have found the truly heavenly body.
the curve from knee to your waist... hmmmn ... reads just a trifle clunky to me ... this curve from knee to waist, perhaps. you could avoid the rep of heaven/heavenly body (which flirts with clich a little too close for my comfort) by going this route:
No arc in heaven can match
that/this curve from knee to waist.
I've abandoned star gazing
and spend my nights under a roof
mapping your celestial body.
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