I like the plot of the story and the set up. But there is too much exposition and telling, not enough showing. The story would benefit from having the information (story background) threaded through scenes rather than told in a factual manner. The idea of the big black general taking the small white westerner was erotic, but where was the sex scene? Again, not enough 'show' too much tell. The sex scene is the core of the story it should be overflowing with descriptions, detail, the protagonists thoughts and emotions. Definitly worth another draft.
Corpse_rider made some excellent points. As well, I love the premise... would love to see a new draft, improved by Corpse_rider's suggestions as well as the writing experience you have accumulated since, or even just a sequel; more of these characters, or maybe new characters faced with a new dilemma in the same setting.
Bottom line: there's nothing better than Black Cock dominating white men. 5 stars!
English
Has big (black) potential
I like the plot of the story and the set up. But there is too much exposition and telling, not enough showing. The story would benefit from having the information (story background) threaded through scenes rather than told in a factual manner. The idea of the big black general taking the small white westerner was erotic, but where was the sex scene? Again, not enough 'show' too much tell. The sex scene is the core of the story it should be overflowing with descriptions, detail, the protagonists thoughts and emotions. Definitly worth another draft.
Please, more!
Corpse_rider made some excellent points. As well, I love the premise... would love to see a new draft, improved by Corpse_rider's suggestions as well as the writing experience you have accumulated since, or even just a sequel; more of these characters, or maybe new characters faced with a new dilemma in the same setting.
Bottom line: there's nothing better than Black Cock dominating white men. 5 stars!
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