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English
medium
I like your stile, but I just couldn't get to the end of it. I believe it's a little overrated and full of cliches. Sorry, but I think you could do a looot better than this. I can tell this by the stile of your writing. You just have to work on it a little bit more.
WHO?
Who names a child Peregrine? makes the whole story unbelievable.
You've never heard of Peregrin son of Paladin, of the house of Took, Anonymous #2?
You need to get out more.
There's a St. Peregrine, too. And Peregrine Honig, the artist. Though that may be her last names -- there are lots of people whose last name is Peregrine.
Anyhow, despite some faults (mostly having to do with rushing the story) this is really sweet, and hot too.
Thanks for the feedback
This is the first erotic story I ever had the balls to submit, and I appreciate all your feedback. I am sure your suggestions will make me a far better writer. Writing a story is one thing, but writing a story that includes eroticism, without making it trite, outrageously unbelievable (Peregrine's name be damned), or vulgar is quite another. Keep the feedback coming and I will do my best to grow as author.
Thanks!
For your first....
ya dun good. Keep trying and you will do it well.
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