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English
i'm very much in two minds over this one
it's an uncomfortable (for me) mixture of the surprising and vivid with the cliché. i'm guessing it's quite intentional but i'm having problems with it.
i feel you could omit L3 altogether, as its inclusion reads just too clichéd verbosity. what i really liked, though, was your 'packed with scorpions and dust', 'of neurons and haemoglobin', and - most of all - your final image of
beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.
such flavour and aridity in this write. is it aimed at the genre in general, a particular film-maker, perhaps, or an actor?
i wonder
if you could scrap that entire mid-section:
A sudden movement at the bar
and his iron flashes,
peppering the mirror
with an April shower
of neurons and hemoglobin.
to leave you with:
Ancient hand
lifts a shot glass
packed with scorpions
and dust.
He lights a match,
and the piano player
resumes his piece,
while beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.
or, adjust it like this (excuse the liberties i'm taking with your write, these are only suggestions):
Ancient hand
lifts a shot glass
packed with scorpions
and dust.
A sudden movement
and his iron flashes,
peppering the mirror
with neurons and hemoglobin.
He lights a match,
and the piano player
resumes his piece,
while beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.
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