Chat

A5

I question the tactic of the last line. It seems too provocative. It could generate a backlash, but it my view it seems like an overreach.

Of course

it could be read a different way. Adds.

.

The last lines are certainly provocative, probably downright offensive to some, but for me they give the poem its kick. As a whole, the poem is a little unclear, so it isn't obvious to me what I'm supposed to think is going on or how to feel about it. The line "Melted into eyes of bewilderment" is particularly obscure to me--the narrator melts into eyes? melts in someone else's eyes? is embarrassed? confused?

I like the "in your face" quality of the poem, though.

well suited

You have a knack for unexpected stroke and bold relief.

I think the last lines are even well suited as a poetic device in context.

On the one hand, illustrating the confusion/schism in our psyches with regards to love and sex. And on the other, I can't but help to think of the "unsuitable" presence of.. Mary Magdalene.

Uh, Wow

You know, this always happens to me too when I edit
:-).

Okay, not funny,

but hey, this starts as a read of some good work and then BOOM--that last line kinda catches your eyeBALLS. You are a courageous one, so I give it to you.

I am curious about the meaning of the second stanza, so if you get a chance, tell us. It's cruising over my heard.

The technique of the repeated line serves a purpose-- it's like start, think, stop, start over, but the feelings the writer starts over with are shocking.

you
laid
it
out
there

response to Simply one

The actual event, and how it plays out sequentially, whether in an internet chat session or elsewhere is secondary. What I wanted to capture is the shock of realizing that what was said, written, done - in a totally self absorbed matter - hurt someone priceless.

Love that last line.