All in all, a very fun read! Some of the dialogue feels a little stilted to me, but having never been in Brad's position, it might be completely natural. ;)
Your first paragraph had me hooked. Brad is definitely coming across as experienced but only in a narrow field and now isn't sure what to do - almost like a kid in a toy-store whose favorite uncle tells him he can have ANY one toy he wants.
I think there may have been one wrong verb-tense used and one sentence fragment, but over all, nothing was so jarring technically as to pull me out of the story. Very nicely written - keep up the good work! (and now I have to track down some of your others, just for comparison you understand)
by
Anonymous06/08/11
Too much tell and not enough show.Essentially it is the script for any one of thousands of pornographic movies. There is no character development, and no dialogue until the end of the 5th paragraph. Descriptions of just sex essentially are boring, it's the painting of the picture of sexual tension before the sex which is interesting...the plot precludes that-- the plot being 'you saved me --I fuck you.'
Grammar Punctuation & Spelling, sound on the whole which is a plus for most new writers.
Best advice for next time. Don't write about sex but write a story the climax of which involves sex.
I gave it a five because all new writers deserve encouragement and I think you will get better with practice.
I really enjoyed your story. I was wondering when I saw the topic if this was a change in the usual sexual theme in your stories but was pleased to see that it was not. I am looking forward to more stories from you.
Didn't buy the whole hazy memory about saving the girl's life nor the: Brad's not really getting a look at her. In a life and death situation you remember everything. So a weakness in the plot there. The rest was pretty good, I disagree with one of the readers who gave feedback, a short story can be merely one scene, and it's fine to start straight in with the sex scene, as long as during the piece characters are defined through dialogue, description and interior monologue all of which are present in your story. You also write from a male's POV, something not easy when you as the author are female. Overall, a competently written piece of erotica.
I completely enjoyed your story and the hero that doesn't even realize he's changed someone's life. The woman is genuine and honest about what he's done for her and what she's willing to do for him.You are one of my favorite authors. Keep writing. Love it. Just rediscovered you by reading "blackmail birthday", you have great and sexy concepts.
English
delicious!
All in all, a very fun read! Some of the dialogue feels a little stilted to me, but having never been in Brad's position, it might be completely natural. ;)
Your first paragraph had me hooked. Brad is definitely coming across as experienced but only in a narrow field and now isn't sure what to do - almost like a kid in a toy-store whose favorite uncle tells him he can have ANY one toy he wants.
I think there may have been one wrong verb-tense used and one sentence fragment, but over all, nothing was so jarring technically as to pull me out of the story. Very nicely written - keep up the good work! (and now I have to track down some of your others, just for comparison you understand)
Too much tell and not enough show.Essentially it is the script for any one of thousands of pornographic movies. There is no character development, and no dialogue until the end of the 5th paragraph. Descriptions of just sex essentially are boring, it's the painting of the picture of sexual tension before the sex which is interesting...the plot precludes that-- the plot being 'you saved me --I fuck you.'
Grammar Punctuation & Spelling, sound on the whole which is a plus for most new writers.
Best advice for next time. Don't write about sex but write a story the climax of which involves sex.
I gave it a five because all new writers deserve encouragement and I think you will get better with practice.
Good work
I really enjoyed your story. I was wondering when I saw the topic if this was a change in the usual sexual theme in your stories but was pleased to see that it was not. I am looking forward to more stories from you.
Baywatch it ain't
Didn't buy the whole hazy memory about saving the girl's life nor the: Brad's not really getting a look at her. In a life and death situation you remember everything. So a weakness in the plot there. The rest was pretty good, I disagree with one of the readers who gave feedback, a short story can be merely one scene, and it's fine to start straight in with the sex scene, as long as during the piece characters are defined through dialogue, description and interior monologue all of which are present in your story. You also write from a male's POV, something not easy when you as the author are female. Overall, a competently written piece of erotica.
Good guys finish best
I completely enjoyed your story and the hero that doesn't even realize he's changed someone's life. The woman is genuine and honest about what he's done for her and what she's willing to do for him.You are one of my favorite authors. Keep writing. Love it. Just rediscovered you by reading "blackmail birthday", you have great and sexy concepts.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to In Kind or
More submissions by LOAnnie2.