All Comments on 'Annie and the Wolves'

by bellertrue

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  • 31 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
OK

Not a bad start. There where some grammar issues. Also the flow of the story was a little jerky for me. I think if u get a good editor u will have a great story.

PS u might want to pick ether Annie or Bonnie to tell the story or clearly mark when u change views so u don't confuse readers later. Thank you for sharing look forward to more. Mechmanas

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago

loved it u are going to write more good luck

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago

decient start

a few of the hononym (bleh ) errors are somewhat distracting

to instaid of too in the description of the truck

hear instaid of here in the do you have a man here ...

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago

Good start so far. Like someone else said, there were grammatical issues. The POV transition is also a little jarring. Either do it in third person, or clearly delineate which POV you are doing.

Cannot wait to see where you take this. :D

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
A-Paw-Ling (sic / joke)

You are maybe 14yo? Either that or this was some kind of remedial writing class project.

Conversation is at 9yo level; grammar, as has been pointed out, (far too favorably), is atrocious. I guarantee that if this was submitted to any kind of legitimate publication, it would be printed off and taken down to the pub as the "entertainment" for Friday night drinks.

"Okay, I will just tell me how to get there." Classic!

"When they could hear the front door opening and people coming in laughing." ???

"Would you like any cookies I made some this morning." said Bonnie.

"Sure I would love a cookie."

"I have peanut butter or oatmeal chocolate chip."

"I will take a peanut butter cookie..." Retarded!

Regardless of what other people have said, this is extremely poor writing.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
it's your first story...

it's a start and you will learn many things along the way of writing the story. First as everyone pointed out you should look into an editor. Many stories lose readers because of grammar and story flow. Second be sure to describe your main characters, at least give a vague enough description of them that the readers gave visualize them - even if they have to create their own smaller details of them. Good luck and hope to see more.

loumey1loumey1over 12 years ago
Good start

You have a really good start here. I think getting an editor would be a good idea, because it did read a bit jerky in places, but overall I liked the story and look forward to more.

shortydeeshortydeeover 12 years ago
Very Good

I hope that you will find an editor to help with the proofreading. But other than that I think this will be a fun story to read. Keepup the great work . I will be looking for the next chapters to come.

rissa200204rissa200204over 12 years ago
good story start

dont be afraid to think of what if's meaning what if annie doesnt like something bout the mate or other way around. so far the story is a lil sugar coated as in she meets were's doesnt freak out which was explained well, but there are no hic ups to give it depth yet. i have faith tho that ya can make it very interesting to read. :> we all start somewhere and yours is a good one keep at it..

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Good Start.

Keep it up, I like where the stories going!!!!

MizTMizTover 12 years ago
Great Start

For your first story it's great. And although I agree there are a few "minor" problems, it's not near enough to turn me away from your story. I have always said I would rather read a good story poorly written than a bad story written perfectly.

I can honestly say I look forward to following you and watching you grow as an author. Now stop reading these damn comments and start to work on chapter two!

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Howler

A lot of feedback on this story has been sensitive and polite and encouraging. Fine sentiments to pass on to an aspiring author. Truth told, you have a lot to learn about writing fiction. Character development, good descriptive writing and realistic dialogue are just a few important elements you need to work on. Plot, grammar and punctuation are the least of your worries.

The best advice I can give you, is read more fiction - read everyday, then your writing will improve.

it's hard work, but don't give up.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
good start

it's a good start, but an editor would definately help the flow. interested to see where you go with it.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Don't be discouraged...

By any criticism, whether it be constructive or plain old destructive. You have a gem here. Keep polishing it. I know that you have me sold on this story.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
A bit stilted, but a good start!

I like where the story is going, but the flow of conversation/thought is very stilted.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Your kidding us right???

If you haven't taken the hint, everyone wants you to stop writing. Not sure how Lit allows for such crap to be published. Maybe a glitch. Just don't do it again. Ever.

Luvlee11Luvlee11over 12 years ago

Great start. You did very well for your first time. Im looking forward to see how you progress

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
will there be??

I have read stories by other authors.. Some are fabulous others are mediocre.. You do have a good start to your story. Not every story has to have sex in the very first story. Someone said an editor to help make things flow. I agree but you still have a great start irregardless. I hope that this story continues into other chapters. Good Luck!!!

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Don't worry too much

The problems you are having in the story are pretty common to new writers. The transition from reading the works of others to making you're own is not necessarily easy. The first issue you are having is repitition, try to avoid using the same words in sentences that are close to eachother. Then comes your tense. Be sure you are speaking either in the past or present tense; you switched a few times. And of course last comes the bane of the new writer. You are trying to move through the story too quickly. You know what you are trying to say but you have to move slowly and describe everything well so that your reader understands too. Try reading over the story and imagine you are someone else who has never read or thought of this before and some mistakes will be easier to catch. In the end though, don't worry too much because it'll get easier with practice.

P.S. Remember that this the Internet and here there be trolls ;)

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Nice start

I love the start of this keep going and don't listen to the negative non constructive comments

missymoemissymoeover 12 years ago
:))

Nice start to the story. if you slow things down and flesh out your characters more then you have a good thing going. keep your head up and your fingers typing.

bellertruebellertrueover 12 years agoAuthor
Thank You

Thank you for the support and the feedback. I'm working on the next chapter.

mokkelkemokkelkeover 12 years ago

this is a very nice start; as some have said before me do try to get a proofread and:or editor to weed out the little errors. they're not distracting from the story, but if the same mistakes become clear to the reader i think if you just took a bit more time to read it over in detail or out loud you could pick up on some of those mistakes yourself. one in this chapter is using "hear" instead of "here". your spell checker will see it as correctly written, yet it's not the correct meaning you want.

jack slipped in a few times without a capital "J".

again these are just minor details.

i have enjoyed this first chapter and will look out for the second one.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago

Really good storyline, but I think that you rushed it just a bit. The beginning was good, and then everything seemed to speed up for some reason. Also, I was a little confused at times because of the grammar mistakes and misspelled words. No biggie, just look for a decent editor and you'll be set. Again, really well done. :)

resapooresapooover 12 years ago
Don't be discouraged

Don't be discouraged by some the comments. A good rule of thumb to follow- if they post it as an anon and its negative, just ignore it. They are being negative to purposely hurt you and are too afraid to use their user name, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE IN THE WRONG.

I think that you have the makings of a very good story, you just to work on a few things. Try adding a bit more description to the piece. When Annie says something to Bonnie, what is she doing? what is she wearing? where are they? what does it look like? Paint the reader a picture.

Work on your grammar and syntax. Don't rely on spell-check to catch your errors. You may have something that isn't grammatically correct but spell check won't catch it because it is spelled correctly(their instead of there).

Also, watch your point of view in the story. Try to concentrate on one character and tell it just from their prospective. It makes it easier for you and the reader. If i were you, I wouldn't try multiple perspectives until I was very used to writing in this way. ( I have written 2 novels and I still haven't attempted it.)

The way that I proof my story is to read it aloud to myself. I know that it sounds dumb, but it really works. You can catch your mistakes very easily that way.

Another option is to look into the volunteer editor program. There are many people willing to help a new writer with their story. (proofread the story before you send it to them.)

Good luck and don't be discouraged.

ShadowedDreamsShadowedDreamsover 12 years ago
Good Start of concept

Everything has been said already, but I'll add my two pence.<br/>

Point one is really do find yourself an editor. Even the very best authors NEED an editor, so it isn't a dig to tell you to find one.<br/>

Point two is Yes, reading the story aloud to yourself will help. especially when someone is speaking. Take the spoken sentence and ask yourself if you'd ever say something like that?<br/>

<br/>

Keep writing. Listen to constructive criticism. Laugh at the trolls - internet trolls are very noisy but mostly harmless.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
good

so far this is one of the best story's i have read on this site. keep up the most excelent work :)

defiantbutterflydefiantbutterflyover 12 years ago
Good job on your first time.

I liked it, could maybe have been slightly better with the lead in of her talking to animals and maybe be another page or so if you don't write chapters often. I do like the characters and the ideas on the story I guess I'm just looking for more.

Nasuada8Nasuada8almost 12 years ago
Good work

I really enjoyed the story, it was engaging and a good read. However when someone is speeking you don't necessarily need to keep saying the characters name that the spech is directed at. Also I think a lead in of her being able to talk to animals would have been good too. It is deffinately worth continuing the story! Thanks for the experience!

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
next chapter

When are you going to post again?

Anonymous
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