What was cool about the first person perspective in this story is how it allows for lots of terrific detail while still hinting at an interesting emotional connection. Raunchy and fun! Your other story is quite good too, and they both have a curious elegance. Looking forward to more!
nothing like fucking your secretary up the ass to help make the work day go by!
by
Anonymous10/04/11
The very first word
put me off! "You ..."
No story has a vestige of a ring of truth and believability when it tries to make the reader one of the 'participants'!
The reader KNOWS they were not there so any credibility immediately goes out the window! Result? Reading any further is a total waste of time.
I'm a women and in this instance the use of the first person put me right on the receiving end ... It's very hard to tell what sex an anon is - so how can you judge the validity of the crit
English
errrrrr.........
Good storyline. Hideous writing.
(hint: drop the 'first person present' verb tense, for starters)
Moved to disagree with previous comment.
I thought it was rather well written. Hot too.
Nice Work!!
What was cool about the first person perspective in this story is how it allows for lots of terrific detail while still hinting at an interesting emotional connection. Raunchy and fun! Your other story is quite good too, and they both have a curious elegance. Looking forward to more!
Ahhhhhh
nothing like fucking your secretary up the ass to help make the work day go by!
The very first word
put me off! "You ..."
No story has a vestige of a ring of truth and believability when it tries to make the reader one of the 'participants'!
The reader KNOWS they were not there so any credibility immediately goes out the window! Result? Reading any further is a total waste of time.
Its your story tell it how you like
I'm a women and in this instance the use of the first person put me right on the receiving end ... It's very hard to tell what sex an anon is - so how can you judge the validity of the crit
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