The Key to My Heart Ch. 03

I had a few problems

First of all you posted in the wrong order so i am all confused.
Secondly,you do not invite your dead daughters friends to view her body in that obviously abused state.The police are usually called first or if not the body is made decent.No decent mother would want her daughter to be seen by anyone that way!!!!!!.
Apart from that this story is good!

Are fucking serious? I tried to keep reading in the hope this would improve but I should have known from the first 2 chapters it was a waste of time, you've got unrealistic court case, unrealistic actions of a rape victim and now a mother who let ALL of her daughters friends see what her daughter looked like tied up, raped, murdered, who does that? you are sick!

I have to agree with Lucian that the part where they went to see Julie was ridiculous. No mother would want their child seen like that. No one would be dumb enough not to have the police on the scene first, or at least you'd hope. So, while I could understand them wanting to say goodbye to her, it just didn't work well in the story. It was especially crass when she made a comment about her pussy being filled with blood and semen. I also understand the desire for Zach to want to protect the girls but to tell them and know they'd HAVE to join the pack seemed a bit unfair. I will look for the next chapter and I'll have to check out 4 now that we're not missing a chapter.

Weird

There are a few things not right in this chapter.
Number 1, Why wasn't the police called to clean up Julie and start an investigation into her death.

Number 2, Why wasn't her body viewed in a chapel of rest rather than still in the abusive state that the murderer left it.

If you are going to continue to write this story then it needs some cleaning up done to it because as it stand it is a little confusing.

I agree with the last comment made that this story is weird.

Maybe you should get a proof reader to look at your work before you submit anymore chapters. I know I always send mine to a proof reader and my editor before I put my chapters on line. That way you know you are heading in the right direction and not just wasting your time.

I hope you will be able to sort this story out as I believe with the right editing it could be a great story.
Good Luck From Kay

Um.... 0_o

If I could unread this chapter I would. This story is so rushed and "unrealistic". Yeah, the plot is good, but the way you tell the story is so...(for lack of a better word)sloppy. So much was crammed into this one page and I really am having a WTF moment, especially after the whole Jennifer scene. I mean seriously?
Starting back with the friends asking to see the dead body 0_o...WTF? And I would think that from the time Christine got the news to the time all of the girls gathered up to visit, there'd be police tape maybe some flashing red&blues in the area. I mean really? WTF o_O, figuratively speaking, if I found anyone like that, my first thought would be to call the cops...not my daughter's (high school)friends-- but I digress.
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You need an editor, someone who's really good with cliffhanger endings, because you have a lot of cliffhanger moments...but they aren't executed well.

Like I said before, I love the plot of the story, but you really need to slow it down...a lot; that is unless you're trying to create a basis for more stories to evolve from te girls joining the pack (????). Anyhoo, perhaps reading over your stories a couple of days after you finish writing them would be beneficial. Though, most times bringing in a fresh pair of eyes helps too.

P.S.- sorry for being so longwinded, once I start its hard to stop. (Im revamping my stories, so my fingers are all limber and ready for the keyboard.)