False Alarm Ch. 01

Great beginning!

*****

Five, for starters, but I do think you need an editor. :)

great start

that was great keep them coming!!

A good beginning

Very good for a first submission. Keep it coming. A little extra proof reading and grammar check will help in the future. Also, a little background in your bio would be nice.

well............

Spelling? Punctuation?
Seriously, it seems to be a rather good story concept, but it needs editing (in a major way), to be readable.

Very good start I can't wait to read more.

This is your first submission

So I'll be nice, your story falls flat for me; but keep at it. You'll get better. Work on your mechanics. The problem for me with the story is the female lead. I simply don't like her, so it isn't that you've written a bad story to me, its just one that I can't relate to. I wish you good luck on all future posting.

please continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think this story shows some promise & if u already have more written why not share! we NEED more stories showcasing the all too often ignored beauty & sensuality of black women ESPECIALLY with natural hair! i'll b eagerly looking forward to the rest of this tale! :oD

pretty good start!!!

pretty good start can't wait for the next chapter...u do need an editor, but don't be discouraged you are off to a pretty good start and am looking forward to see what happens with La La and Austin :)

Good so far

I think you have a good start here. I'm curious to see where these characters go. With a little editing here and there, this could be really good. Don't stop!

More please

Please don't make us wait too long :)

Interesting start

Needs a bit of work but other than that so far so good. I would like to see where this story goes so please continue!

Great start!

I won't beat the dead horse about an editor. I think this chapter is a great scene that you could have taken up a notch with about another page or two.

Someone else mentioned more background. Maybe not so much about the ex (I personally don't care for the leading lady falling back to the cheating, mistreating badboy ex), but more about Niala. Tease the reader with more detail on those inner monologues. Take the time to paint a picture with words. If she's lusting after fireman Austin, you could have really developed an awesome daydream sequence that could have gone a half page and been hot as hell. Same thing when Austin was thinking over Josh's remark. And all that without either coming into physical contact or even being aware of the others attraction until much later.

Don't get discouraged. This is a great start and I look forward to seeing this story develop!

Very Nice!

I think that for a first effort, you did a great job. You kept my attention and I liked Niala's internal dialogue. More background would be nice, I agree.

I agree great start

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Okay

This story has potential, but it is difficult to understand what is be said at times. Please please please get an editor. :D

Great start!

An editor can also just be a second reader. There were a few minor problems that any friend would probably catch.

Please read the essay on how to accept and understand reader comments. I think that always helps new authors keep their perspective and learn to build a thick skin.

Just like an in person meeting, some commentators are just nasty.

I found this confusing and in need of a lot of editing.

grammar, spelling....

You should not post until you have reviewed the material. Even Microsoft Word will do this for you. I found the bad grammar and bad syntax too distracting to enjoy this story.

I get it

1. Proof read
2. Edit or get editor
3. Some people are angry

lol Seriously thank you, you all have gotten me out my lazy writing. I needed to step it up.

WTF?

I don't understand how people says it needs a lot of editing. I understand it very well. Loving the story can't wait to read more.

With Anonymous

I understood, just fine, if one or two ppl say it cool, the rest should let it go, get off the negativity train, like seriously! Your story was great and forget anyone else if they say anything. I mean seriously, this isn't English 111 and you aren't up here to be a professor, so stop looking for negativity read the story for what it is and stop expecting perfection, this is why so many author's never finish their stories!

Read it and,

While there are a few errors here and there, that is the point of honing ones own imagination, I believe. But I am begining to see the verity of an Einstein quote in my own writings and some of the comments I've read for other works; "The person who reads too much and uses his brain t oo little will fall into lazy habits of thinking." Which is why an error here and there is forgivable when the other factors of a story compensate, as in this case.

I hear ohhhh daddy.....sweet daddy down the road?

Yes, there were some technical errors, but what the hell?!?!? Damn juicy and loved...loved....loved the hints at where they could go playing in their pretty little minds. So looking forward.

Just

a little reeeling in on the line of Damn!!! A few grammatical errors, still good...