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English
pause abuse
with all the unnecessary punctuation, its like reading a story narrated by william shatner
remember, not every sentence needs 3 commas and a semi-colon
Not quite 5
I had some problems with your story, well more than some. First problem was I really didn't get any sense of story. There seemed to be little reason that you developed for the goings on or "leaving the message". The next problem is the overall structure of the story. It was murky to non-existant. My final complaint is in your general use of the English language. Your story seemed to be written by a guy who failed eighth grade English and decided that was enough and he had no intention of learning any more of our language. Your grammar problems include shifting tenses, wrong word choices, confusion about numbers of person just for starters.
I have at times deliberately broken rules of grammar in stories; sometimes my foul balls work and sometimes not. I also make mistakes that get through despite my best proofreading efforts. I don't see that you put your best efforts to your story. Learn to respect your readers.
Edit, edit, edit
You need to relax with the commas! I could not get by the first two paragraphs. The way you constructed your sentences made them nearly unreadable. You need to run your writing by another pair of eyes to get comments for improvement BEFORE you submit your next story.
Extra Pay?
You get a cash bonus for every comma?
I tried finding a story, but all I found was excessive punctuation.
Should have called this "The Comma Obsession."
The Man, who loved, Commas.
I, was, enthralled, by, your use, of punctuation.
They beat, me, to it
I was, going to, comm,ent on all the, commas.
Also, you might want to use words that actually make sense (tired instead of tried, for instance).
You've heard from thew grammar police,
My comment is on the story. I don't get a rise from adultery. The idea of of watching my wife with another man leads more to thoughts of homicide than erotica. There was nothing here that makes me want to come back. I thank you for sharing your stories and encourage you to keep improving. Perhaps one of your future stories will be more to my tastes.
Bla.Bla
....cause it does not bother me to much, but the story lines are toooo light. This cont."Buddy" buisness is very irritating. Oh yeh, most men do not enjoy hearing about their wives being fucked by some one else. The ending is too simple:" listen you fat fuck, you will support your wife ...bla-bla-bla". Come on, wright something worth reading. Gave you 2 stars, only to get your attention, othrwise NO MORE STARS FOR YOU.
I liked the tone...
... But would have liked the writer to not care if she was pregnant. Rather than tell her to move in, he should convince her to let her wimp husband think it's his. Please don't forget to write the chapter featuring Buddy's mother!
I liked the tone...
... But would have liked the writer to not care if she was pregnant. Rather than tell her to move in, he should convince her to let her wimp husband think it's his. Please don't forget to write the chapter featuring Buddy's mother!
It strikes me that some commenters don't know how to use commas
So they object to anybody else using them, even when they are used correctly. Perhaps Americans speak so fast that they don't pause in the middle of sentences as the rest of us do.
Are you experimenting with commas?
I tried. I really tried to read this. But it was like torture. SO MANY COMMAS!!!!!!! And besides that, the "plot" sucked.
Bad grammar, bad punctuation, bad idea
This reads as though English is your second language. Even if you are trying to portray a low class writer, the language and punctuation are just too bad to believe. Even your "sayings" are wrong.
This is a waste of the reader's time.
A true cluster fuck of commas
And bad grammar. Was this a phone call from a man to a cheating wife's husband? Was this a letter? Sure seems like a man telling another man he's fucking his wife. And why would the husband not divorce her? Is he really obese or his wife lying to her lover? Too many questions and too many mistakes. 1 star.
reply
Thanks for for confessing about affair and pregnancy. Will make divorce much easier not to mention pre-nup. Hope the kid doesn't cramp your lifestyle. Given your financial situation shouldn't be long before she is searching for your replacement.
With my money I have already found hers
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