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English
f'ing
hurry
BABY YOU CANT DRIVE MY CAR
its not me ITS YOU....TK U MLJ LV NV
two different stories
Did you write two different stories?
At the end of chapter one, the way it is set up is that you didn't have anything to do with Sandy for ten months.
That with Sammi, is where all of the bullshit is suppose to happen.
But now you have the bullshit with Sandy...
Your story needs cleaning up, do you have an editor?
So which is it? Two chapters written by two different people or are you writing two different stories?
Confusing...
Sorry the writing
is like a 10yr old wrote it. To stilted and stiff.
Readers Digest!!!!!!
Almost boring but you are a good writer. If it's not finished please finish it. Thanks for sharing.
First impression : strong narrative , good flow but no apparent destination !
Nevertheless this is a " fun read ". It is definitely taking the scenic route in relating how narrator got his heart twisted in the here & now. The brisk dialogue and self effacing personal profile helps more then a little.
For being exposed to the world as a working musician ,he is pretty naive about women. I just might have been there myself & so cannot scorn him overmuch for that quality.
You have to watch those waitresses , man. They drain you of bodily fluids till you dry up like a husk at their place but rarely have anything of substance to eat/ drink . Why should they? Guys flirt and beg for their favors the whole work day. Want the complete whore in bed, cook in kitchen you better try mail order brides from any number of impoverished Asian countries or set time machine for 1950's.
Deal me in please, for the next installment. Hope he gets just a little more savvy next time at bat or this could get wearisome in quick hurry.
A Very Quick btw
In terms of letting a woman drive your hard-earned customized 'whip'- Check any ' Smokey & Bandit ' fragmentary memories. Do you remember the great scene where Sally Field took over the wheel & Burt Reynolds sat passively in bitch seat of Trans Am ? ...I don't either.
It flowed well,
for me. I must be going blind if it was as bad as the Mouse had it. The story and descriptions are very interesting. Another commentator also had eyesight problems. Oh well. For whomever wants a fun read this is a good one!
Fine tale looking forward to more chapters
Nice job laying the groundwork and investing us in the charaters. Hope to read the rest soon.
Keep up the story and thanks for writing
Nice!!
Nice flow and story line - I liked it!
Interesting
Mild confusion in a few places requiring a reread but it all still works.
Lots of directions to go, interesting read so far.
Ok, ok
A five this time, but let's get moving. Set up's good. Let the story begin!
I'm hooked!
Time to reel us in before we break line Really enjoying your writing style !
great fun story...
Liked the first chapter better...Got annoyed as to who John and Carrie/Carry were...still not sure...even after a reread...do not have the patience to reread the first part/chapter 1...I assume those characters must be there...still don't know why it was important to know who she chose...John Kerry? Other than this bete noir, I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Fun read.
You gave it away
by calling them the "toxic" twins. So in the next chapter(s) we can be sure that Sammi betrays him too. I also am curious who john and cary are. sammi will probably cheat with the mysterious john since sandy did cary. Still a decent read.
I love this story
And you picked the perfect car!
Good
Well it's not green grass and high tides yet, but he did sing I used to love her. Playing the field two or three at a time sure is hard work, mentally. It is also two or three times the problems.
And
I am amazed he let the broad drive his hot rod. Can a man be pussy whipped before he even gets it? :)
Muddled and Confusing……
The transition between the first and second chapters is weak and confusing. The third paragraph of Chapter 2 started a flashback, but I didn’t realize it for several moments because my head was back at the end of Chapter 1.
And Sandy and Sammi? How about using names that are different enough not to be confusing to those of us suffering from senior moments?
And regarding the new dance club, was it Sammi’s idea and when did she communicate that to Wiley? Then she started asking about the van…..the flow of the story got garbled here. And then the dancing……….who grabbed Wiley? Yes, I quickly figured out it was Linda, but you were not clear.
Then Sandy leaves to take care of her mother and now I get confused again. What is the time frame between Sandy’s leaving and Wiley’s visit? Was it the six weeks mentioned in the following paragraph?
And finally, you mentioned that Sandy was gone for 10 months before returning in the next to last paragraph of Chapter 1. Where in your timeline are we now? The second month after Sandy left? Remember those six weeks I mentioned above?
Please take some time (or get an editor) to make the story flow better. I think it is really a good read and I enjoy your writing. Just take some time and catch these minor inconsistencies. I'm looking forward to your next installment.
Thank you and please keep writing.
I'm waiting
I did not understand why I kept reading ch.01; it seemed pointless. But I did read, so it must be the author's skill to keep just enough interest in his story -- congrats. Ch.02 makes the story interesting, and I am waiting to read how the apparent inconsistency others have noted is resolved as the fabric of the story is revealed.
BTW, a '69 Mach1 was a bitch to drive with 4 forward gears, front end heavy, rear end weightless -- but with three? Yuk!
3***
Makes little sense to me.
I'm still waiting
I hope you finish the story. I'd like to see where this goes.
I'm a bit confused, but it's been two weeks between the two chapters (For me. I don't know how quickly you've written it)
the end
i hate it when a story just stops with no ending
ALL GIGS HAVE TO END
some on a high note others on a low one. TK U MLJ LV NV
You promised in "Tell her I'm not here"....
To finish this story! :-)
When??
Will you finish this? At least when JR wound up in the hospital, we knew when the next installment would be.
One star no ending
Zzzzz
RePhil
What a moron.
Good, but inaccurate
First off, interesting story. Second, as a mormon I find it kind of offensives that you grouped it with poligamy. While in the same state, Mormons are Christians and have no relation whatsoever to poligamy. Please do your research before further spreading religious inaccuracies.
Good second installment.
Again I could easily identify with the story line.
Thanks
To Mormon Anom
While it is true that the Mormons have officially banned polygamy, this is a relatively new occurence. This truth must be spread but at the same time, however unjustly, Mormons are still known for polygamy, and it is going to take time for the truth to spread. It is perfectly acceptable for the character in this story to lump Mormonism with polygamy b/c that has been true for many years now; at the same time, thank you for taking the time to set the record straight.
As for the story, it seems a bit rushed. 4 stars.
polygamy
for the life of me I can't see the difference between the free love commune movement of the 60's and 70's with polygamy. funny that for some reason a piece of paper makes a man supporting to or more families a criminal, and no paper at all means some guy knocking up has many women he can get to live with him, a solid citizen.
the punishment for polygamy should be to allow polygamy, despite what I write in my stories.
Great story
Loved the ending
Yep one down - one to go -
They competed and then moved on - he is in for a world of shit - especially since he is choosing Sammi second -
"I didn't want you to find out like this"
Well, what did she think was going to happen when she didn't simply tell him she found someone else?
And what was the point in lying about seeing her mother every day? All that did was give him the chance to catch her in another lie. All she had to say was that she was doing better and she didn't need to see her every day.
JUST WAIT
there will be lots more...just like that. TK U MLJ LV NV
One down
two more to go.
counting him.
Ouchie ouch
Yeah, I knew this was gonna fucking hurt.
J
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