You did nothing to tell us who these characters are, what motivates them, how they have interacted in the past, etc. I understand that this is fiction but it should have some credibility to be entertaining. This lacked anything to make the story believable. You could write a 3 or 4 page story about a girl going to band camp who gets so sexualluy frustrated that, late at night, when the lights are out and the other girls are asleep, she uses her flute as a dildo . . . or you could just write, "one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy." Which would be more entertaining? More provocative? More arousing?
by
Anonymous10/06/11
Sorry did nothing for me
Sorry this was like a cold shower for me. A good story needs substance; develop your characters so that the reader can relate to them. Simple errors detract from story; "He kept feeling her pussy. He was so excited to be his daughter's fist. He could feel her muscles tensing.” Now you know and I know that it should be 'first', but in my mind I conjured up the thought of him fisting his virgin step daughter
Don't let this 'dampen' your enthusiasm, keep trying.
I liked your story and hope you take the negative comments as constructive. Tighten up the plot and flesh out the characters. This story is a fantasy of mine as I married a woman with two daughters with a host of friends staying many nights and one live-in friend. My wife stayed satisfied because of my fantasies about her daughters and their friends.
by
Anonymous10/06/11
So So
I'm going to liken this to a Kindle single. Not much depth, but it gets the gist of the story out there. I could fall off the fence either way about reading more of the author.
by
Anonymous10/06/11
Jerk off
Great short, just enough for those who last seconds
As a father of daughters and having the honor of their cherries I can tell you that there was pain and blood as I broke the hymen of each one of them. In your story none of the pain or blood was in it and for the girl to have an orgasm after her hymen was busted is very unlikely!
by
Anonymous12/06/11
Great story!
This had perfect timing for me after reading a few other stories which were too long and not what I was looking for ;though they definitely got me worked up enough) This was the one I needed. I was so close to Cummings and I did just that. I'll also add that sometimes women don't bleed or hurt their first time. I didn't!
It needs more. It felt like you were rushing it. I think that this story could be hottttttt with more detail. The plot is there, but there is no character development, and hardly any resistance and not much detail. I hope this helps you in the future!
English
You have to be kidding.
Not the worst story I've read.
It just wasn't very entertaining I guess.
No story development
You did nothing to tell us who these characters are, what motivates them, how they have interacted in the past, etc. I understand that this is fiction but it should have some credibility to be entertaining. This lacked anything to make the story believable. You could write a 3 or 4 page story about a girl going to band camp who gets so sexualluy frustrated that, late at night, when the lights are out and the other girls are asleep, she uses her flute as a dildo . . . or you could just write, "one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy." Which would be more entertaining? More provocative? More arousing?
Sorry did nothing for me
Sorry this was like a cold shower for me. A good story needs substance; develop your characters so that the reader can relate to them. Simple errors detract from story; "He kept feeling her pussy. He was so excited to be his daughter's fist. He could feel her muscles tensing.” Now you know and I know that it should be 'first', but in my mind I conjured up the thought of him fisting his virgin step daughter
Don't let this 'dampen' your enthusiasm, keep trying.
this story sucks
My Fantasy
I liked your story and hope you take the negative comments as constructive. Tighten up the plot and flesh out the characters. This story is a fantasy of mine as I married a woman with two daughters with a host of friends staying many nights and one live-in friend. My wife stayed satisfied because of my fantasies about her daughters and their friends.
So So
I'm going to liken this to a Kindle single. Not much depth, but it gets the gist of the story out there. I could fall off the fence either way about reading more of the author.
Jerk off
Great short, just enough for those who last seconds
Lol!
Quickie
Short and sweet, really hot! good memories
No Pain?
As a father of daughters and having the honor of their cherries I can tell you that there was pain and blood as I broke the hymen of each one of them. In your story none of the pain or blood was in it and for the girl to have an orgasm after her hymen was busted is very unlikely!
Great story!
This had perfect timing for me after reading a few other stories which were too long and not what I was looking for ;though they definitely got me worked up enough) This was the one I needed. I was so close to Cummings and I did just that. I'll also add that sometimes women don't bleed or hurt their first time. I didn't!
Lots of potential
It needs more. It felt like you were rushing it. I think that this story could be hottttttt with more detail. The plot is there, but there is no character development, and hardly any resistance and not much detail. I hope this helps you in the future!
:)
Nice quickie
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