Fascinating tale. Unpredictable, for the most part (although I did wonder if there was going to be a "pregnancy issue" involved). Please! Chapter #03, as soon as you can.
That was said in my Dave Chappelle voice. You end the darned story right when they make contact again. I am like the guy in the previous comment. Now I am going to be checking the website everyday to see if you wrote the 3rd part. Carvohi you are cold blooded man! Get part 3 put there pronto! Of course it goes without saying GREAT story man!
by
Anonymous11/09/11
Dude...
If I just wasted 3 hours to read this story and it doesn't get finished I'm going to find you carvohi... Cause it's a good story that needs a proper ending, no cliff- hangers like you just pulled. Finish plz
I’m enjoying your story so far, but it does need some work. Your descriptions can be too lengthy when not part of the actual plot. (descriptions of the town, troubles with the job, etc). Be descriptive, but learn to edit some. Also keep in mind your time line needs to flow... Thanksgiving weekend you jump from Thursday to monday, back to thursday, then monday again, and finally back to sunday. You're all over the place. Lastly, you contradict yourself frequently. In this chapter it's a diamond ring, but in ch. 1 it was a ruby... the Dad, Carroll, defends Peter, and helps his girl, but in Ch. 1 he is the one that turns the mom against peter, and sides with Sally. Why did he come around?... Lastly, you say Laurie tells all her friends about Peter, since he’s all she can think about, but then later they have to pump her for info at Norris’s for info about the baby’s father, who he is, etc. It is confusing. Otherwise, good job, I really am enjoying the story, but thought you could use the constructive criticism to get better. Please keep writing.
..."but it had that special kind of charm older sections, neighborhoods in the late stages of existence, held. It had that nostalgic grace only a slowly dying once rural community could have. "
“he blames members of your family for his failure.”
Laurie doesn’t know anything about Peter’s history with her family, why doesn’t she question this?
She said she wasn’t very good at her job? Then what’s with all the overtime and stuff? I find it hard to believe it was because she wasn’t good.
Why does Max keep saying he made him promise when he didn’t?
"I'd like to tell you. I just don't think I have the right to get mixed up in this."
You’re ALREADY mixed up in it! You weren’t hesitant to dig up Laurie’s past and show it to Peter!
If Peter is going to be starting a business, at SOME point he’s going to have to have SOMETHING on the Internet, even if it’s just a Yellow Pages type listing.
“he wondered if he hadn't just screwed up everything.”
Well, since she’s miserable without him, and is trying to find him, he obviously HASN’T screwed up everything!
They were both at Norris’s, how did they not see each other?
English
Oh man!!!
Shit. Now I'm going to be dying for the next part! Brilliant story, by the way. Now, HURRY!!! I need more NOW!!!
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Love your use of irony. Excellent story, held my interest. I will try to use as much patience as I can awaiting the next chapter.
Fascinating!
Fascinating tale. Unpredictable, for the most part (although I did wonder if there was going to be a "pregnancy issue" involved). Please! Chapter #03, as soon as you can.
Very nice
Very nice story! Please continue it soon! I really want to see how it all comes together.
Let the Future be Brighter
Please allow them to reunite.
hmm
i hope sally gets her head handed to her( i think she is insecure about Laurie and it shows , and i hope peter can take the blue bloods run cold
Coooooollldddd Bllooooooodddeedd!
That was said in my Dave Chappelle voice. You end the darned story right when they make contact again. I am like the guy in the previous comment. Now I am going to be checking the website everyday to see if you wrote the 3rd part. Carvohi you are cold blooded man! Get part 3 put there pronto! Of course it goes without saying GREAT story man!
Dude...
If I just wasted 3 hours to read this story and it doesn't get finished I'm going to find you carvohi... Cause it's a good story that needs a proper ending, no cliff- hangers like you just pulled. Finish plz
Constructive Criticism
I’m enjoying your story so far, but it does need some work. Your descriptions can be too lengthy when not part of the actual plot. (descriptions of the town, troubles with the job, etc). Be descriptive, but learn to edit some. Also keep in mind your time line needs to flow... Thanksgiving weekend you jump from Thursday to monday, back to thursday, then monday again, and finally back to sunday. You're all over the place. Lastly, you contradict yourself frequently. In this chapter it's a diamond ring, but in ch. 1 it was a ruby... the Dad, Carroll, defends Peter, and helps his girl, but in Ch. 1 he is the one that turns the mom against peter, and sides with Sally. Why did he come around?... Lastly, you say Laurie tells all her friends about Peter, since he’s all she can think about, but then later they have to pump her for info at Norris’s for info about the baby’s father, who he is, etc. It is confusing. Otherwise, good job, I really am enjoying the story, but thought you could use the constructive criticism to get better. Please keep writing.
beautifully expressed
..."but it had that special kind of charm older sections, neighborhoods in the late stages of existence, held. It had that nostalgic grace only a slowly dying once rural community could have. "
Thoughts
“he blames members of your family for his failure.”
Laurie doesn’t know anything about Peter’s history with her family, why doesn’t she question this?
She said she wasn’t very good at her job? Then what’s with all the overtime and stuff? I find it hard to believe it was because she wasn’t good.
Why does Max keep saying he made him promise when he didn’t?
"I'd like to tell you. I just don't think I have the right to get mixed up in this."
You’re ALREADY mixed up in it! You weren’t hesitant to dig up Laurie’s past and show it to Peter!
If Peter is going to be starting a business, at SOME point he’s going to have to have SOMETHING on the Internet, even if it’s just a Yellow Pages type listing.
“he wondered if he hadn't just screwed up everything.”
Well, since she’s miserable without him, and is trying to find him, he obviously HASN’T screwed up everything!
They were both at Norris’s, how did they not see each other?
WHEN PURGATORY ENDS
for each individual the dawning is tragic. TK U MLJ LV NV
Slow
This is still a nice story, but it really bogged down this chapter. Too much irrelevant detail.
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