Not bad, looking forward to the next chapter. Not bad for a first story. To the other poster, could you do any better ?
Why is this in the mature section. Or is the author so immature that he thinks that any girl two years older than him is mature?
Get thee to an editor....
pish from the start not worth the time it must have taken too dream up...
What a load o crap don't try again go back to wanking
Good first try, ignore the bitches, looking forward to chapter 2!
The storyline was okay but you really need to work on your command of the English language. Know the difference between using 2 and two (such as in "I had 2 real boy friends); the difference between your and you're (such as in "when your a tiny white girl"). Failure to present your material in an accurate light will never earn accolades.
Especially the ones here who complain about grammar or wording. This is not a test but an erotic writing sight. Right the stuff and we read it and care less is grammar is goud or bbad. Who freakin cares? Just give me hot stories like this one
Maybe people don't like to be corrected, and no, this isn't an English class. But you absolutely need to make things easy for people to read. If they have to keep going back to read something again, they are more likely to just give up. Use plain English, proper punctuation and use the correct form of their/there/they're or we will assume you failed the 6th grade.
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