Wow ! A very fast moving story, and I didn't even notice that there wasn't that much sex in it, until after I read it. The story held my attention that well.
The narrative style will probably put some people off, since it lacks dynamics and emotion. I found the idea that an accountant could not do book-keeping very strange!
The mother wanted to do better for herself, but going out, screwing around with mob people certainly is not better. Now if she had wanted something better she should have started taking courses at the local university and...... playing like a good cougar. The dead boy could have accidentally been the son of a mob boss..
Sorry, DG, but I could not resist thinking about the story line. Thanks for posting!
by
Anonymous11/25/11
Sorry, good theme but not well written.
To many elementary chopped paragraphs. "I did, "he did," "she did," etc. But theme was fine. Welcome change from vast majority of cheating wife themes written here by childish authors or authors with serious emotional and/or maturity problems.
by
Anonymous11/25/11
Good Story
Good Story!! just want to know how he pulled it off?
by
Anonymous11/25/11
Very much enjoyed your story................... Happy Thanksgiving..........
by
Anonymous11/25/11
You made an effort,
but it only seemed like a half effort at that. Too many open ended sub-plots, (I mean really, who killed Romeo? -Why leave a glaringly obvious hook like that off???? ) and a lot of over-explaining particularly where it's not needed. Much of the story read like a synopsis only.
You seem to be a reasonably prolific writer, but not one who puts any effort at all into improving his writing ability. Why? With the reasonable imagination that you have, you could end up writing some awesome stories. For example, the change in point of view. What was the point? Seriously, it added nothing to the story. It's something that even the best authors avoid, because it's a crappy device. Pick a point of view and stick with it.
Over-explaining. It's where you point out the obvious, and then proceed to go into detail about it. It's even worse when the detail doesn't enhance the story anyway! Really. It's unnecessary, and actually lessens the appeal of the story. So, stop doing it. You seem to have a good grasp of English, which means you're 75% of the way there. You can do so much better, if you try.
The line between pablum & heartwarming saga of virtue & courage is a thin one !
This story zig-zagged that line practically every paragraph . So what if I don't care if D.G. didn't meet my standard with this story. He's written dozens of others that have.
by
Anonymous11/25/11
So tell me...
How does one "chock" a person? How can someone "weight" 300 lbs?
I quit reading this poorly-written dreck by the end of page one.
Nice of you to phone in a story for the holiday's, although this read more like a narrative than a story, and a rather banal story at that. To this reader it felt hurried with little or no description, it lacked your usual depth and detail, and the dialog was choppy & sloppy with an ever changing point of view - creating a feeling of disjointedness. Anyway: Thank you for sharing your turkey with us, and Merry Thanksgiving to you too!
by
Anonymous11/25/11
Poorly written but enjoyable
I normally enjoy your stories and this was no exception but it just wasn't up to your usual standards. I wish you would pick a narrater and sick with them instead of giving us a mix of two people and a third unnamed narrater. Also he couldn't have been much of a kingpin if it only took his brother being murdered(he was murdered by Bill) another man murdered and one arrested to leave him totally unprepared and unprotected. Also why did the wife cheat that was never explained?
Apart from those problems it wasn't too bad
One last point Mary really was a bit of a prostitute she stayed with the mob boss because he took nice places and bought her nice things and why didn't she have an abortion as she said she wanted to leave him?
No one ever writes a LW story from the point of view of the kids. It's nice to read how the kids view their mother's fooling around and how it affects them. And not letting the reader know who killed Romeo allows us to use our imagination in figuring out or who killed the mobster.
This read poorly. The storyline itself was okay, just like any episode in a TV crime series. Erotic? It was not at all. But the problem was, it was just bad writing. I know you can do much(!) better.
by
Anonymous11/25/11
If huecuckdog gives you 5. I give you 1. They started this
now we're in troll wars. I like your stories a lot DG, but seeing his fucking comment, this repulsive woman hater, who with his cronies is destroying the site.
I reads a little stiffer than your others. Someone said it was more like a story outline. I didn't think it was quite that. Good characters and interesting story.
But the last paragraph stood out like a boil. No sex at all during the story except to say he had been "intimate" with Mary. Then the last paragraph in which you suddenly remember you are writing an erotic story:
"That night Mary came over to my apartment and we made love. I gave her oral sex till she came. I then laid on my back as she climbed upon my erection and we fucked like rabbits most of the night. It had to be one of my best Christmas's in a very long time."
"If huecuckdog gives you 5. I give you 1. They started this now we're in troll wars. I like your stories a lot DG, but seeing his fucking comment, this repulsive woman hater, who with his cronies is destroying the site."
Hey Anon, make a username, go on, coward, make one up, it's really easy. Then we can really get down to troll wars, and YOU started this war, and YOU are the one's destroying this site, so any blame is at YOUR door. Better yet , write a story, try and write a story and see how hard it really is, cowards and wimps like you always bark loudly but always hide in shadows, time to man up Anon, or woman up if that is the case.
by
Anonymous11/26/11
Zzzzzz
I can't believe I wasted my time reading this story. Your editor is probably ashamed at the mention since there are so many mistakes "than" instead of "then," "has" instead of "have." Call me a freak but I like my sex stories to be free from grammar and spelling errors.
I come to Literotica to read stories that turn me on. Sex as an afterthought doesn't turn me on. This should have been posted under Non-Erotic.
What you wrote counts for this story, but in general that Anonymous was right. "huecuckdog" gives a story 5 if "the bitch" is killed - the worse the better and if a couple reconciles or the cheating wife isn't punished enough in his opinion he'll give 1. No matter the reasons!
I think it's stupid to rate a story on such measures. What does it say about a person?
....but then I read stories on Literotica in the hope that they will give me an erection. This was all about mayhem and murder, which do not give me a hard-on.
I did notice a few grammar errors and a mix-up of Mary and Marci. The story could have used better proofreading.
For a story with a mob boss, this one seems pretty tranquil. You cannot protect a group of people all the time. It's just not possible. The mob boss is aggressive when he takes actions but then hibernates. That doesn't make sense. Aggressive men are always aggressive. He would have a couple guys just floating around and waiting for opportunities. It wouldn't happen on a wedding day when everyone was expecting it, It would happen on an ordinary day in an unguarded moment. I guess he wasn't very good at what he did. That's why he ended up dead.
With all the connections he had Billy Bob was a bit of a "Don" himself. It was a decent read but didn't seem to radiate vitality to match the ongoing action. Things happened and then more things happened.
by
Anonymous11/26/11
Keep em coming
Too many Joe Jim,Tom,dick,Jane ,Harry fuck my wives 5 alabastard holes my maggots have puked . This site NEED MORE OF( DG's) THIS TYPE OF STORY and less of the others.
Tom
HELL! I liked it and gave it the Five Stars it deserved.
DG does not write bad stories. He just does not know how. All of you anonymous assholes need to be a little less full of yourselves. Happy Thanksgiving!
I enjoy reading your stories DG and you've really been pumping them out lately. While your Loving Wives stories are in the appropriate category they always seem to be able expand beyond the genre. And this one is no different.
If there is one thing that could make this story better it would be to have some dialog between the characters.
The story was pretty much told in first person which was great to understand the thoughts. But with this length of story I think some dialog creative would make it even better. Especially dialog between Billy and his daughter. I read a one page story recently which was all narrative and because it was a quick flash story it worked very well. But the longer stories need more variation.
You're one of my favorite authors on Lit and I don't see that changing. Thanks for the story.
1. It is a very good story, as DGHear writes. I am rarly disaponted with his stories.
2. Whether who is the murderer of the boss? Is a Bill's prison buddy or from the gang somebody had the boss killed as in the story Bill suggested?
DG it seems you have really been finding time to write. It’s been a long time since I visited the site but you still do the down to earth, no grey area type guy. I enjoyed your story and see some of the critics are really more actively after each other than the story. I see people still get mad because there isn’t enough sex for them to jerkoff. I would think the first few paragraphs would tip off someone. Thank you for the entertainment!
Very Respectfully
PT
by
Anonymous11/28/11
mmmmm
Agree total with likebob just like reading a draft
1 star
But there were plot/character points left out that made the story incomplete for me. The story was written such that the only emotion shown was when he grabbed the guy and choked the life out of him. The rest of the writing seemed to be more like a police report than a story.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with likebob and scorpio44. It was rather cold and emotionless. Even when Marci was narrating it felt like there was something missing, that little spark. I didn't feel any connection with the characters at all. It read like something from dragnet. Almost like billy-bob was giving his confession at the PD interrogation room.
God help the reader!!!!! If you've made it this far you are a brave soul indeed!!!!!
Uhmmm, where's the story? Is this even classed as a holiday story? There is almost no comment about any holiday except at the end when the protagonist says it was "his best christmas ever."
The miniscule sex in the story is so cold and emotionless it's pathetic. "I gave her oral sex until she came then she sat on my erection and we fucked like rabbits all night" ??? Why even bother to ad that line into the story. The gangsters were truly pathetic, about as vicious as a yorkipoo on tranquilizers.
Please stop writing, it will save you any further embarrassment and us from having to torture ourselve in reading this drek.
Ignore praedar. I would agree with him that this is not one of your better stories as the dialogue was stilted and the characters were not as developed as I would have liked. However, there are so many other ones you have written that are good that I would hate to see you stop writing due to reviews on this story. Do keep writing, please.
is the fool, the dead fool. What is it with women and these "girls' nights out" that always get them into trouble. It's one thing to go out to dinner at a regular restaurant and maybe have a drink, it's another thing completely to go to a bar and dance with men as if you're still single and unattached.
cali
by
Anonymous05/25/12
Praedar?
Isn't that the the way the French spell DWornock? Good work DG.
It is GOOD to have fans who appreciate one's portfolio!
Elaborate story. I am not sure the switching PoV from BB to Marci and back was effective ... I DO appreciate that each switch was clearly labelled!
I know it's the story genre, but the girl's night out is a big problem for lots of guys in real life. If a wife wants to "experiment", why can't she just get out of the marriage? And to want forgiveness is so ridiculous to me. Fidelity rules...if it's broken, get out of the marriage. Another great story by DG Hear
English
GREEN GROCERS AND BUTCHERS
are not to be chopped with nor derided. TK U MLJ LV NV
Nicely written and edited
Wow ! A very fast moving story, and I didn't even notice that there wasn't that much sex in it, until after I read it. The story held my attention that well.
Also the story has a happy ending.
Thanks for the very good read.
Good, well written story
The narrative style will probably put some people off, since it lacks dynamics and emotion. I found the idea that an accountant could not do book-keeping very strange!
The mother wanted to do better for herself, but going out, screwing around with mob people certainly is not better. Now if she had wanted something better she should have started taking courses at the local university and...... playing like a good cougar. The dead boy could have accidentally been the son of a mob boss..
Sorry, DG, but I could not resist thinking about the story line. Thanks for posting!
Sorry, good theme but not well written.
To many elementary chopped paragraphs. "I did, "he did," "she did," etc. But theme was fine. Welcome change from vast majority of cheating wife themes written here by childish authors or authors with serious emotional and/or maturity problems.
Good Story
Good Story!! just want to know how he pulled it off?
Very much enjoyed your story................... Happy Thanksgiving..........
You made an effort,
but it only seemed like a half effort at that. Too many open ended sub-plots, (I mean really, who killed Romeo? -Why leave a glaringly obvious hook like that off???? ) and a lot of over-explaining particularly where it's not needed. Much of the story read like a synopsis only.
You seem to be a reasonably prolific writer, but not one who puts any effort at all into improving his writing ability. Why? With the reasonable imagination that you have, you could end up writing some awesome stories. For example, the change in point of view. What was the point? Seriously, it added nothing to the story. It's something that even the best authors avoid, because it's a crappy device. Pick a point of view and stick with it.
Over-explaining. It's where you point out the obvious, and then proceed to go into detail about it. It's even worse when the detail doesn't enhance the story anyway! Really. It's unnecessary, and actually lessens the appeal of the story. So, stop doing it. You seem to have a good grasp of English, which means you're 75% of the way there. You can do so much better, if you try.
The line between pablum & heartwarming saga of virtue & courage is a thin one !
This story zig-zagged that line practically every paragraph . So what if I don't care if D.G. didn't meet my standard with this story. He's written dozens of others that have.
So tell me...
How does one "chock" a person? How can someone "weight" 300 lbs?
I quit reading this poorly-written dreck by the end of page one.
Nice Fantasy Story
Good read.
Turkey Anyone?
Nice of you to phone in a story for the holiday's, although this read more like a narrative than a story, and a rather banal story at that. To this reader it felt hurried with little or no description, it lacked your usual depth and detail, and the dialog was choppy & sloppy with an ever changing point of view - creating a feeling of disjointedness. Anyway: Thank you for sharing your turkey with us, and Merry Thanksgiving to you too!
Poorly written but enjoyable
I normally enjoy your stories and this was no exception but it just wasn't up to your usual standards. I wish you would pick a narrater and sick with them instead of giving us a mix of two people and a third unnamed narrater. Also he couldn't have been much of a kingpin if it only took his brother being murdered(he was murdered by Bill) another man murdered and one arrested to leave him totally unprepared and unprotected. Also why did the wife cheat that was never explained?
Apart from those problems it wasn't too bad
One last point Mary really was a bit of a prostitute she stayed with the mob boss because he took nice places and bought her nice things and why didn't she have an abortion as she said she wanted to leave him?
I liked it nice story DG
I gave it a 5 stars
Painful
I could not get past the first page. But reading that I got why she cheated on him. It was a 2 way street.
Excellent tension all the way through the story
nice of change of POV
No one ever writes a LW story from the point of view of the kids. It's nice to read how the kids view their mother's fooling around and how it affects them. And not letting the reader know who killed Romeo allows us to use our imagination in figuring out or who killed the mobster.
badly written
This read poorly. The storyline itself was okay, just like any episode in a TV crime series. Erotic? It was not at all. But the problem was, it was just bad writing. I know you can do much(!) better.
If huecuckdog gives you 5. I give you 1. They started this
now we're in troll wars. I like your stories a lot DG, but seeing his fucking comment, this repulsive woman hater, who with his cronies is destroying the site.
"'Meat" the new boss"...
Hello Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver...hows the beaver?
reads like a plot outline
does not engage.
Good story
I reads a little stiffer than your others. Someone said it was more like a story outline. I didn't think it was quite that. Good characters and interesting story.
But the last paragraph stood out like a boil. No sex at all during the story except to say he had been "intimate" with Mary. Then the last paragraph in which you suddenly remember you are writing an erotic story:
"That night Mary came over to my apartment and we made love. I gave her oral sex till she came. I then laid on my back as she climbed upon my erection and we fucked like rabbits most of the night. It had to be one of my best Christmas's in a very long time."
Good read liked it
DG you always write a good story and this was no exception. Thanks for your sharing.
I second Hodunk's comment.
Thank you!
5 stars.
"If huecuckdog gives you 5. I give you 1. They started this now we're in troll wars. I like your stories a lot DG, but seeing his fucking comment, this repulsive woman hater, who with his cronies is destroying the site."
Hey Anon, make a username, go on, coward, make one up, it's really easy. Then we can really get down to troll wars, and YOU started this war, and YOU are the one's destroying this site, so any blame is at YOUR door. Better yet , write a story, try and write a story and see how hard it really is, cowards and wimps like you always bark loudly but always hide in shadows, time to man up Anon, or woman up if that is the case.
Zzzzzz
I can't believe I wasted my time reading this story. Your editor is probably ashamed at the mention since there are so many mistakes "than" instead of "then," "has" instead of "have." Call me a freak but I like my sex stories to be free from grammar and spelling errors.
I come to Literotica to read stories that turn me on. Sex as an afterthought doesn't turn me on. This should have been posted under Non-Erotic.
@ BFG85
What you wrote counts for this story, but in general that Anonymous was right. "huecuckdog" gives a story 5 if "the bitch" is killed - the worse the better and if a couple reconciles or the cheating wife isn't punished enough in his opinion he'll give 1. No matter the reasons!
I think it's stupid to rate a story on such measures. What does it say about a person?
Good Read!!
Very entertaining thanks for sharing.
I didn't like this one bit
....but then I read stories on Literotica in the hope that they will give me an erection. This was all about mayhem and murder, which do not give me a hard-on.
Must be the day for violent stories
I did notice a few grammar errors and a mix-up of Mary and Marci. The story could have used better proofreading.
For a story with a mob boss, this one seems pretty tranquil. You cannot protect a group of people all the time. It's just not possible. The mob boss is aggressive when he takes actions but then hibernates. That doesn't make sense. Aggressive men are always aggressive. He would have a couple guys just floating around and waiting for opportunities. It wouldn't happen on a wedding day when everyone was expecting it, It would happen on an ordinary day in an unguarded moment. I guess he wasn't very good at what he did. That's why he ended up dead.
With all the connections he had Billy Bob was a bit of a "Don" himself. It was a decent read but didn't seem to radiate vitality to match the ongoing action. Things happened and then more things happened.
Keep em coming
Too many Joe Jim,Tom,dick,Jane ,Harry fuck my wives 5 alabastard holes my maggots have puked . This site NEED MORE OF( DG's) THIS TYPE OF STORY and less of the others.
Tom
HELL! I liked it and gave it the Five Stars it deserved.
DG does not write bad stories. He just does not know how. All of you anonymous assholes need to be a little less full of yourselves. Happy Thanksgiving!
There was no erotica to the story at all.
No, there wasn't any erotice in this tale at all
Just good solid storytelling :)
great work once again DGH
Great job
Another great story DG
I like the story concept.
I enjoy reading your stories DG and you've really been pumping them out lately. While your Loving Wives stories are in the appropriate category they always seem to be able expand beyond the genre. And this one is no different.
If there is one thing that could make this story better it would be to have some dialog between the characters.
The story was pretty much told in first person which was great to understand the thoughts. But with this length of story I think some dialog creative would make it even better. Especially dialog between Billy and his daughter. I read a one page story recently which was all narrative and because it was a quick flash story it worked very well. But the longer stories need more variation.
You're one of my favorite authors on Lit and I don't see that changing. Thanks for the story.
I Enjoyed It
It was entertaining. Like it says on the Kids headstone.... Pals.
1. It is a very good story, as DGHear writes. I am rarly disaponted with his stories.
2. Whether who is the murderer of the boss? Is a Bill's prison buddy or from the gang somebody had the boss killed as in the story Bill suggested?
As allways
As always, good job.
Formbdy2k
more like reading the outline than the whole story
Another DG story worth reading
DG it seems you have really been finding time to write. It’s been a long time since I visited the site but you still do the down to earth, no grey area type guy. I enjoyed your story and see some of the critics are really more actively after each other than the story. I see people still get mad because there isn’t enough sex for them to jerkoff. I would think the first few paragraphs would tip off someone. Thank you for the entertainment!
Very Respectfully
PT
mmmmm
Agree total with likebob just like reading a draft
1 star
Almost...
But there were plot/character points left out that made the story incomplete for me. The story was written such that the only emotion shown was when he grabbed the guy and choked the life out of him. The rest of the writing seemed to be more like a police report than a story.
Sorry for the bad review
I'm sorry but I have to agree with likebob and scorpio44. It was rather cold and emotionless. Even when Marci was narrating it felt like there was something missing, that little spark. I didn't feel any connection with the characters at all. It read like something from dragnet. Almost like billy-bob was giving his confession at the PD interrogation room.
God help the reader!!!!! If you've made it this far you are a brave soul indeed!!!!!
Uhmmm, where's the story? Is this even classed as a holiday story? There is almost no comment about any holiday except at the end when the protagonist says it was "his best christmas ever."
The miniscule sex in the story is so cold and emotionless it's pathetic. "I gave her oral sex until she came then she sat on my erection and we fucked like rabbits all night" ??? Why even bother to ad that line into the story. The gangsters were truly pathetic, about as vicious as a yorkipoo on tranquilizers.
Please stop writing, it will save you any further embarrassment and us from having to torture ourselve in reading this drek.
Keep writing DGH
Ignore praedar. I would agree with him that this is not one of your better stories as the dialogue was stilted and the characters were not as developed as I would have liked. However, there are so many other ones you have written that are good that I would hate to see you stop writing due to reviews on this story. Do keep writing, please.
Grrrrrreat story DGH
I see the cuckold wanna be's are out. praedar must be a natural born cuckold.
The first wife
is the fool, the dead fool. What is it with women and these "girls' nights out" that always get them into trouble. It's one thing to go out to dinner at a regular restaurant and maybe have a drink, it's another thing completely to go to a bar and dance with men as if you're still single and unattached.
cali
Praedar?
Isn't that the the way the French spell DWornock? Good work DG.
Fans are loyal
It is GOOD to have fans who appreciate one's portfolio!
Elaborate story. I am not sure the switching PoV from BB to Marci and back was effective ... I DO appreciate that each switch was clearly labelled!
The first wife
I know it's the story genre, but the girl's night out is a big problem for lots of guys in real life. If a wife wants to "experiment", why can't she just get out of the marriage? And to want forgiveness is so ridiculous to me. Fidelity rules...if it's broken, get out of the marriage. Another great story by DG Hear
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