All Comments on 'The Teen Orgy Ch. 01'

by dutchpantyraider

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  • 6 Comments
LarryInSeattleLarryInSeattleover 12 years ago
Stupid

That about sums it up.

BenLongBenLongover 12 years ago
needs work

Anybody seen Nicole Kidman or Tom Cruise on this re-write of "Eye's Wide Shut?" Truthfully, besides feeling like a re-run, it has some potential. Needs an editor however.

"he was accompanied by a handsome guy, I believe about 38 years old.

When was the last time you estimated an adults age at 38? Too precise, more likely you'd say something like "something shy of 40" "mid-thirties". Holly appeared to be 18? Exactly? Maybe "the young side of 20" or "20ish" or "seemed so young she couldn't have been over 18" but she would only appear 18 to someone that KNEW she was 18. Subtle changes will help a lot.

"It was my friend who now was going to fuck my best friend." Friend? As in the guy that studies with you in the quad every day? Friend as in the guy who lived two doors down but you were never "close" with but showed you his cock when you asked if he'd show it to you? Friend as in "the Boyfriend" that stood you up earlier who's dick you thought you were going to get? As in "I thought I recognized that dick: not too big, sturdy, and very little pubic hair", yet he didn't recognize your body, his supposedly main squeeze?

A little lame on the female chatter also, more like a male fantasy of female chatter - needs a bit of work there.

ericahopeericahopeabout 12 years ago
Agree with belong

I agree completely with what Ben said above. It needs an editor and reads like a male fantasy. Get a female editor to tell you how a woman really thinks and feels.

dutchpantyraiderdutchpantyraiderabout 12 years agoAuthor

Ben, would you believe me I never saw "eyes wide shut", truthfully! Nor did I read the book. I defenitely must see that movie if my story gives you this reaction.

To Ben and Erica I say I couldn't agree with you more. A few years back I've tried to contact an editor, but wasn't succesful. Since english is not my native tongue, I'm very aware my stories are not flawless. Sometimes it's quiet a struggle to get on paper what's on my mind. So if anyone out there would be willing to proof read my stories I would be very much obliged!

Thanks for your comments!!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 12 years ago
Excellent

Pantyraider,

Ignore some of the criticisms. Overall, this is a fine story.

Critics lose their authority when they demonstrate poor grammar, or spelling, themselves.

BenLong uses "that" when referring to people. Yet, even the most inexperienced writer should know the pronoun for people is "who". So, Ben's criticism is, at best, envy of someone who knows how to write. It certainly does not qualify as valid since it amouts to a glass house resident throwing stones.

prop69prop69about 5 years ago
What a Party

BEST EVER

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I love Literotica and love to share my fantasies with you. Your feedback is happily accepted. Please note: I write for my own and your enjoyment, like I relish other writers' stories. If you like my fantasies, please vote. If you don't like them, no problem, but please don'...

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