Would have giving you five stars, but you didn't have an ending. Hope this is only part 1. Anyway, I gave u 4 stars for the effort...looking forward to the "2nd" part! ;-)
by
Anonymous12/14/11
Chapter 2
There's got to be a follow up - you can't leave it there.
If this is the entire story, it disappoints. If it is a chapter, it is too short and it should be so labeled. I am interested, but have no idea if there is more or not. If this is a chapter, it should have been two or three times as long. If it is a story, well, it was brief.
by
Anonymous12/14/11
Follow up
Continue with a scorch wife policy though steve boy has been eating shit sandwich for a while migh be pleasant to find out how they survived . Like all of your work good start 4 * due to the incomplete nature.
I really like the premise, it is excellent, however;
This reads like a "preview of coming attractions", not a complete story or even a chapter of one.
Rather than belabor it, I fully agree with HDK's comments.
Thank you
M1
by
Anonymous12/14/11
Meh,
I didn't hate the writing, but there is no closure. And it's awfully brief also.
All in all, I'd say a fragment of a story.
Hope you've got it in you to come up with an ending.
Good luck. M.
That story was written 1 year ago. My editor at the time, Grogers7, told me that the story was good but I needed to flesh it out. One week-end, I got in the groove and fleshed it out to twice the lenght and on my final save poof! my memory stick had a problem and I lost the complete document. I was never able to recreate the groove and I sat on it for months, trying to make something more out of it. I was unable.
As for a sequel, I might come with one but I find nothing that could do a good interesting job. The only plausible outcome is that the police finally caught up with him and there is no statutes of limitation on kidnapping. If you have a nice idea about a sequel take the keyboard or PM me.
I had not realized that the Canadians were into this no fault business.
Basically it does not pay for a man to get married under those conditions! I guess that declaration will get me defined as a misogynist twerp.
The funny thing is that when I first defended the equality of sexes it was so the gals could be engineers and scientists if they wanted to.... but now I would have to defend turning adultery back into a crime, etc. I really do not get it why can't I defend my space? I paid for it!
1. Good romantic revenge story (RRS), it deserves 5 stars.
2. In JPB's story the husband blackmailed the wife with the video of the planning murder.
3. I think it is very difficult to disappear in the nowdays. You are right a sequal is very difficult. Forsyte's excellent thriller's (The day of the Jackal) method for the ID change does not work at all.
For the amount of action going on this tale just seems too short for me. You could have made it more complex story for what was going on. Don't get me wrong, I liked the story and would like to know what happens next.
I hope you or someone else comes up with a chapter two. Myabe Stangstar can help you? Or maybe HDK? anyway what you have written is good thank for writing.
It explains the husband's side. I am hoping there is a second chapter, from the wife's point of view.
by
Anonymous12/14/11
Very good story
but I only gave it 4* because it was left unfinished. You need to give the wifes side of what was goingl on and how he and the kids did after running again. Let the kids snail mail her about there feelings about how she had treated there dad. Just some type of closer for dad and the kids.
by
Anonymous12/14/11
Good stuff likegoodwine. Since you've declined a sequel perhaps hawk or hue coulkd take up the baton just for fun. She deserves whatever they'd end up doing to her, the slut. Anyone except you x_John_x.
Well worn plot but you hit it running, and never lost control. I liked the - he came three times - quip. The protagonist may have acted despicably taking the kids away from the mother but we don't really give a fuck, though having to produce the vids was the laziest get out. Still, sharp tight writing, thanks.
Something Bruce22 said struck me about how it's not a percentage winner for men to marry in a no-fault state. Good point, but apart from the obvious angle of that counting for women, I think most of us still marry for lust, sometimes mistaken for love! Karma's a bitch, too. You fuck a girl you've just taken from a guy (however big a jerk he is) and then marry her??
It's a shit happenstance of human nature that rejection hurts and is worse if the rejection comes with betrayal. It'll happen to most of us in a lifetime. It's how we deal with it.
Who said anything about me writing a second chapter? I suggested Stangstar Or HDK but you are right your two suggestions would be good, I am sure they would write a very good second chapter.
He finds his wife cheating, collects his assets and runs away with his kids. That's the formula for a lot of LW stories. There is no confrontation whatsoever, no justice visited on the arrogant Steve, and not much on his faithless wife. The rest of the story is about having to come clean with his kids and that's pretty easy because he had the evidence.
Why would he think he couldn't run again? He has fake IDs that the cops are probably not aware of. He has significant assets, Buy a used car with the fake ID, get across the border quickly before they post it. Switch IDs once more to disconnect the car purchase and border crossing, travel a little ways and get another used car, drive a ways and dump the old car in a lake, and then meander across the country. Look how long Whitey Bulger was in hiding (17 years) and he was a most wanted felon. The kids know enough now so as to not give themselves away. No one is going to look very hard for an on the run husband who could be almost anywhere.
that an ending would be appreciated. A high profile northern mobster was caught recently after fifteen years. He and his wife were living in a condo in California. If he had chosen a rural location he would probably not have been caught. A famous newscaster said that he walked by the place everyday and had no clue. Interest in cases like the one in the story wane in time, especially with with the ton of new stuff that happens everyday.
by
Anonymous12/14/11
planned murder
Your character seems strange, is got the brains to make money etc but does not have the intelligence to go to the police with a murder plot...
Courts might give no fault divorce but would they really give custody to someone plotting murder?
"I'm thinking that we would be better off if Mark had an accident, you know, like a car accident or a hunting accident. It could be arranged you know. You would have everything, including a good pay-off from the insurance."
would the above look good in a custody dispute....
Simple go the police with your solicitor and get them to place surveillance on them..
At best it would cause difficulty for her in a custody depute, at worst they can be looking at jail time
more then likely she would settle out of court to his advantage
make this a series of close calls and in the end he meets a nice woman and life goes no....great story
by
Anonymous12/14/11
insipid drivel
Great idea ruined by pedantic and uninspired writing. Stop pandering to uni-brows and exercise the writing talent you've displayed in other stories. Build more tension, add more depth to the characters, more natural dialogue/less boring narrative. C'mon Man!
I agree with th rest of the pack, this is a great opening. give us a great ending. the guy below is right a series of close calls would be great. You' re a great writer, we know you can deliver the goods. all you have to do now is be the mailman.SS06
I decided that I wasn't going to read the "Sultan of the Endless story" 's offering today! So I go to read one of my favorite author's stories instead. Guess what? I get a story that doesn't have an ending! C'mon Man!!!
jasonh nailed it when he mentioned in his comment that there was no confrontation scene. These stories just come up short when the cheaters are not held to account.
In any event, thanks for sharing the story. If this one is ended, then I guess so be it. I will read your next one.
I am still not going to read the 'Sultan of the Endless story" 's offering for today.
LOL-that was cruel to tease with a story like that!
Fine story-you can bring back the ending!
by
Anonymous12/15/11
Short as it is, it is still a great little snippet of a story...
not a full story --- despite the brief recount of what happned 8 years in the past --- but it is better than 98% of the junk here these days.
of course, I wish it were longer.... but that could have ruined it, too. So, it's short and bittersweet... more sweet than bitter... so I'm totally for it.
what helps the snippet is the humor in it; short as it is, it has a tinge of dark humor in it; the REVENGE was so raw and simple but also so CLEVER --- on both the first escape from the law and wife as well as the second, done BY THE KIDS --- it's very satisfying....
by
Anonymous12/15/11
Hey - short by sweet!
Liked it - but would like to see them get away with it and the slut ex-wife have a fatal accident on the way. Stupid bitch!
there's more...........and some from HPV after he left.
by
Anonymous12/15/11
how clueless
You that leave coments about the evidance aparently dont have a clue on how the real world works. This is most likely thee most accurate story I have read in a long time. the evidence I had on my ex wife was almost the same and the courts still gave her half of everything and my kids, wich I only get to see for 2 weeks in the summer. If i had this guys money and resorces i would have done the same thing he had.
Yes we do live in the real world.. let’s try other real world out comes..
Bitch arranged to have her husband killed had her lover stab him repeatedly.. she now in jail for attempted murder..
Real world second example man fled to Mexico with his kids, he told his kids wife died in a plane accident (sounds like this story) he changed his name and his kids moved back to California where he lived for decades.. Until he was caught because of his kids found out she was still alive has now serving jail time with buba and the kids will not speak to him..(Great win).
Case three the Jacqueline pascarl
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacqueline_Pa scarl
she divorced she got the kids, he snuck them back Malaysia were his a prince the stayed there until the kids contacted the mother in this case it went in his favour ie he was a prince in Malaysia
His approach to solving his problem was a good one for both himself and his kids, but illegal. Had he told them the truth before they discovered part of the truth the story might have been quite different. The stuff of perhaps another story?
English
not bad
Would have giving you five stars, but you didn't have an ending. Hope this is only part 1. Anyway, I gave u 4 stars for the effort...looking forward to the "2nd" part! ;-)
Chapter 2
There's got to be a follow up - you can't leave it there.
Yes
More please
Great Read
This was a great short story. Please finish it
Next Part?
I would like to read the next part - nice change from the usual cheating wife stories with the added drama.
Nowhere near enough!
Damn! You have me totally engaged!
More
I sure hope this wasn't the end of it.
Please
Get a good editor.
I hope that was chapter 1......
Otherwise it will be filed under "Good story with no ending."
Needs a follow up. Good start.
Keep going.
Good start
Let's see where you go with this. And don't you dare leave us hanging like some other authors ;-)
PLEASE continue!
Love your writing and this one was no exception BUT....I would really like to see you continue this one. Too much left hanging!
The start is easy.
If this is the entire story, it disappoints. If it is a chapter, it is too short and it should be so labeled. I am interested, but have no idea if there is more or not. If this is a chapter, it should have been two or three times as long. If it is a story, well, it was brief.
Follow up
Continue with a scorch wife policy though steve boy has been eating shit sandwich for a while migh be pleasant to find out how they survived . Like all of your work good start 4 * due to the incomplete nature.
Puzzling
I really like the premise, it is excellent, however;
This reads like a "preview of coming attractions", not a complete story or even a chapter of one.
Rather than belabor it, I fully agree with HDK's comments.
Thank you
M1
Meh,
I didn't hate the writing, but there is no closure. And it's awfully brief also.
All in all, I'd say a fragment of a story.
Hope you've got it in you to come up with an ending.
Good luck. M.
5 stars
Good stuff wineman, look forward to the ex and the asshole lover being incarcerated for conspiracy to commit murder and insurance fraud.
I knew it
That story was written 1 year ago. My editor at the time, Grogers7, told me that the story was good but I needed to flesh it out. One week-end, I got in the groove and fleshed it out to twice the lenght and on my final save poof! my memory stick had a problem and I lost the complete document. I was never able to recreate the groove and I sat on it for months, trying to make something more out of it. I was unable.
As for a sequel, I might come with one but I find nothing that could do a good interesting job. The only plausible outcome is that the police finally caught up with him and there is no statutes of limitation on kidnapping. If you have a nice idea about a sequel take the keyboard or PM me.
Interesting piece
I had not realized that the Canadians were into this no fault business.
Basically it does not pay for a man to get married under those conditions! I guess that declaration will get me defined as a misogynist twerp.
The funny thing is that when I first defended the equality of sexes it was so the gals could be engineers and scientists if they wanted to.... but now I would have to defend turning adultery back into a crime, etc. I really do not get it why can't I defend my space? I paid for it!
Good RRS
1. Good romantic revenge story (RRS), it deserves 5 stars.
2. In JPB's story the husband blackmailed the wife with the video of the planning murder.
3. I think it is very difficult to disappear in the nowdays. You are right a sequal is very difficult. Forsyte's excellent thriller's (The day of the Jackal) method for the ID change does not work at all.
Too short
For the amount of action going on this tale just seems too short for me. You could have made it more complex story for what was going on. Don't get me wrong, I liked the story and would like to know what happens next.
Good story so far.
I hope you or someone else comes up with a chapter two. Myabe Stangstar can help you? Or maybe HDK? anyway what you have written is good thank for writing.
THERES ALWAYS A FLAW IN THE PUDDING
its terrible when its family. TK U MLJ LV NV
Good Start...
It explains the husband's side. I am hoping there is a second chapter, from the wife's point of view.
Very good story
but I only gave it 4* because it was left unfinished. You need to give the wifes side of what was goingl on and how he and the kids did after running again. Let the kids snail mail her about there feelings about how she had treated there dad. Just some type of closer for dad and the kids.
Good stuff likegoodwine. Since you've declined a sequel perhaps hawk or hue coulkd take up the baton just for fun. She deserves whatever they'd end up doing to her, the slut. Anyone except you x_John_x.
Well worn plot but you hit it running, and never lost control. I liked the - he came three times - quip. The protagonist may have acted despicably taking the kids away from the mother but we don't really give a fuck, though having to produce the vids was the laziest get out. Still, sharp tight writing, thanks.
Something Bruce22 said struck me about how it's not a percentage winner for men to marry in a no-fault state. Good point, but apart from the obvious angle of that counting for women, I think most of us still marry for lust, sometimes mistaken for love! Karma's a bitch, too. You fuck a girl you've just taken from a guy (however big a jerk he is) and then marry her??
It's a shit happenstance of human nature that rejection hurts and is worse if the rejection comes with betrayal. It'll happen to most of us in a lifetime. It's how we deal with it.
Re: The last comment.
Who said anything about me writing a second chapter? I suggested Stangstar Or HDK but you are right your two suggestions would be good, I am sure they would write a very good second chapter.
OK but kind of bland
He finds his wife cheating, collects his assets and runs away with his kids. That's the formula for a lot of LW stories. There is no confrontation whatsoever, no justice visited on the arrogant Steve, and not much on his faithless wife. The rest of the story is about having to come clean with his kids and that's pretty easy because he had the evidence.
Why would he think he couldn't run again? He has fake IDs that the cops are probably not aware of. He has significant assets, Buy a used car with the fake ID, get across the border quickly before they post it. Switch IDs once more to disconnect the car purchase and border crossing, travel a little ways and get another used car, drive a ways and dump the old car in a lake, and then meander across the country. Look how long Whitey Bulger was in hiding (17 years) and he was a most wanted felon. The kids know enough now so as to not give themselves away. No one is going to look very hard for an on the run husband who could be almost anywhere.
I agree...
that an ending would be appreciated. A high profile northern mobster was caught recently after fifteen years. He and his wife were living in a condo in California. If he had chosen a rural location he would probably not have been caught. A famous newscaster said that he walked by the place everyday and had no clue. Interest in cases like the one in the story wane in time, especially with with the ton of new stuff that happens everyday.
planned murder
Your character seems strange, is got the brains to make money etc but does not have the intelligence to go to the police with a murder plot...
Courts might give no fault divorce but would they really give custody to someone plotting murder?
"I'm thinking that we would be better off if Mark had an accident, you know, like a car accident or a hunting accident. It could be arranged you know. You would have everything, including a good pay-off from the insurance."
would the above look good in a custody dispute....
Simple go the police with your solicitor and get them to place surveillance on them..
At best it would cause difficulty for her in a custody depute, at worst they can be looking at jail time
more then likely she would settle out of court to his advantage
The story itself is very good
Excellent
Great story but it begs for a sequel. Please someone add a sequel to this tale.
GREAT SHORTY!!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing!!
RandomHardon
got his creampie :)
Well Done
Well written as a very tight story. I made it one of my favorites.
I gave you credit...
...with 5 * - now you owe me an ending, likegoodwine!
Very nice
make this a series of close calls and in the end he meets a nice woman and life goes no....great story
insipid drivel
Great idea ruined by pedantic and uninspired writing. Stop pandering to uni-brows and exercise the writing talent you've displayed in other stories. Build more tension, add more depth to the characters, more natural dialogue/less boring narrative. C'mon Man!
Timing, even when leaving a place/situation.
I hope this is a continuing saga...
I want to know how it ends:)
okay LGW
I agree with th rest of the pack, this is a great opening. give us a great ending. the guy below is right a series of close calls would be great. You' re a great writer, we know you can deliver the goods. all you have to do now is be the mailman.SS06
No Ending!
I decided that I wasn't going to read the "Sultan of the Endless story" 's offering today! So I go to read one of my favorite author's stories instead. Guess what? I get a story that doesn't have an ending! C'mon Man!!!
jasonh nailed it when he mentioned in his comment that there was no confrontation scene. These stories just come up short when the cheaters are not held to account.
In any event, thanks for sharing the story. If this one is ended, then I guess so be it. I will read your next one.
I am still not going to read the 'Sultan of the Endless story" 's offering for today.
MissouriUSA
You TEASE!
LOL-that was cruel to tease with a story like that!
Fine story-you can bring back the ending!
Short as it is, it is still a great little snippet of a story...
not a full story --- despite the brief recount of what happned 8 years in the past --- but it is better than 98% of the junk here these days.
of course, I wish it were longer.... but that could have ruined it, too. So, it's short and bittersweet... more sweet than bitter... so I'm totally for it.
what helps the snippet is the humor in it; short as it is, it has a tinge of dark humor in it; the REVENGE was so raw and simple but also so CLEVER --- on both the first escape from the law and wife as well as the second, done BY THE KIDS --- it's very satisfying....
Hey - short by sweet!
Liked it - but would like to see them get away with it and the slut ex-wife have a fatal accident on the way. Stupid bitch!
Hope
there's more...........and some from HPV after he left.
how clueless
You that leave coments about the evidance aparently dont have a clue on how the real world works. This is most likely thee most accurate story I have read in a long time. the evidence I had on my ex wife was almost the same and the courts still gave her half of everything and my kids, wich I only get to see for 2 weeks in the summer. If i had this guys money and resorces i would have done the same thing he had.
hope there is more to come
Great story hope for many chapters to follow.
well done
Great story it begs for more chapters
dont have a clue
Yes we do live in the real world.. let’s try other real world out comes..
Bitch arranged to have her husband killed had her lover stab him repeatedly.. she now in jail for attempted murder..
Real world second example man fled to Mexico with his kids, he told his kids wife died in a plane accident (sounds like this story) he changed his name and his kids moved back to California where he lived for decades.. Until he was caught because of his kids found out she was still alive has now serving jail time with buba and the kids will not speak to him..(Great win).
Case three the Jacqueline pascarl
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacqueline_Pa scarl
she divorced she got the kids, he snuck them back Malaysia were his a prince the stayed there until the kids contacted the mother in this case it went in his favour ie he was a prince in Malaysia
Interesting...
His approach to solving his problem was a good one for both himself and his kids, but illegal. Had he told them the truth before they discovered part of the truth the story might have been quite different. The stuff of perhaps another story?
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