It's an amazing read, that is one lucky girl and I would love to be part of the action. A little more description and detail would be good, altho I loved the description of being outside. Setting the seen is very important, even in a short story. I can't wait to read more of your work.
The repeated shifts in point of view from 1st to 3rd to 1st and back to 3rd was aggravating. The shift in tenses from past to current dropped it another star.
Find an editor. The story was hot, but the mistakes detracted from the experience.
You change tenses like this all through the story. Keep it third person as a fly on the wall, or the simpler first person and stay inside Zach. "as he laughs" should be "I laughed."
English
Great start, lucky girl if only it was true
It's an amazing read, that is one lucky girl and I would love to be part of the action. A little more description and detail would be good, altho I loved the description of being outside. Setting the seen is very important, even in a short story. I can't wait to read more of your work.
JackVettriano
Good story....but
It will MUCH sexier and easier to read if you write it in the 1st person (Zach).
Hot!!!!
That was so fucking hot! My neighbor and I both came so fucking hard from reading it.
Downgraded
The repeated shifts in point of view from 1st to 3rd to 1st and back to 3rd was aggravating. The shift in tenses from past to current dropped it another star.
Find an editor. The story was hot, but the mistakes detracted from the experience.
Good story.
"Hell, I'll make sure she does," as he laughs.
You change tenses like this all through the story. Keep it third person as a fly on the wall, or the simpler first person and stay inside Zach. "as he laughs" should be "I laughed."
Smokin Hot
Loved reading this, especially the anal part. Anal is my favorite.
Good stroking story.
Steve
still so fucking hot
Don't know how many times I've ready this story, but never fails to deliver.
That was an exalent story. Very hot!
That story really got my juices flowing
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