You have a great story, if a bit rushed. Maybe it was just me, but it was not long enough to even make any type of contact or empathy with the characters. For me, my advice would be to take a deep breath and slow it down. Take the 5000 words to give some depth to your work. Write in the accidental brushes as she gathers her stuff, and heighten the tension between them; so when they combust, it is not out of the blue.
Well, that's my two cents worth.
Good writing Myhands316
I hope you do keep going with this one as I think it starts quite well. It helps that it's one of my favourite themes--widower getting it on with nubile but grown-up babysitter. Now what about those handcuffs....was it him, the first wife, or ...both of them?
This is actually the very first story I ever wrote (about a year ago) so no more chapters but your feedback is very appreciated! :)
by
Anonymous01/10/12
No handcuffs?
It was a good story, but when you mentioned the handcuffs, I was looking forward to a little bondage. But each writer must write his or her story the way they see it.
by
Anonymous01/10/12
*****
Good first effort.
by
Anonymous01/10/12
Excellent
Very good , real situations and feelings. Keep writing you have a lot to offer
I am very proud of your loving to this black man. I am a married 53 year old white man who feels that white women are much more appreciated by the black men.
You go with your heart and good luck.
Most of all, be proud of yourself. You have the right to be human !
Mark
by
Anonymous07/19/13
What a idiot.
Domestic violence is 3 times as high with black men then any other race, last comment was just stupid and gay.
Not sure what the last two comments have to do with anything in my story... main characters are black and no one is getting hit. Still, thanks everyone for the ratings and comments :)
by
Anonymous05/08/15
Just need to be longer
by
Anonymous02/03/16
Great read.
Please write another story that has James as the lead, or extend this one.I enjoyed this story immensely.
English
A bit fast, that!
You have a great story, if a bit rushed. Maybe it was just me, but it was not long enough to even make any type of contact or empathy with the characters. For me, my advice would be to take a deep breath and slow it down. Take the 5000 words to give some depth to your work. Write in the accidental brushes as she gathers her stuff, and heighten the tension between them; so when they combust, it is not out of the blue.
Well, that's my two cents worth.
Good writing Myhands316
Nicely done
I hope you do keep going with this one as I think it starts quite well. It helps that it's one of my favourite themes--widower getting it on with nubile but grown-up babysitter. Now what about those handcuffs....was it him, the first wife, or ...both of them?
Thanks guys!
This is actually the very first story I ever wrote (about a year ago) so no more chapters but your feedback is very appreciated! :)
No handcuffs?
It was a good story, but when you mentioned the handcuffs, I was looking forward to a little bondage. But each writer must write his or her story the way they see it.
*****
Good first effort.
Excellent
Very good , real situations and feelings. Keep writing you have a lot to offer
Cinco Estrellas!
Five Stars, Amiga! You tell a beautiful story.
I'm a regular dreamer... And you made me dream. Tks.
Handcuffs
Room for handcuffs in the follow up, maybe?
A wonderful relationship there
I am very proud of your loving to this black man. I am a married 53 year old white man who feels that white women are much more appreciated by the black men.
You go with your heart and good luck.
Most of all, be proud of yourself. You have the right to be human !
Mark
What a idiot.
Domestic violence is 3 times as high with black men then any other race, last comment was just stupid and gay.
Not sure what the last two comments have to do with anything in my story... main characters are black and no one is getting hit. Still, thanks everyone for the ratings and comments :)
Just need to be longer
Great read.
Please write another story that has James as the lead, or extend this one.I enjoyed this story immensely.
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