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English
GRAMMAR
PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR. Or at least something close to it. Your punctuation and grammar was so horrible I could barely keep up with what you attempted to write. There are millions of people on the internet, try to find one you can use as an editor to revise your work before you post it.
IT WAS AMAZING
Although the punctuation was a bit of a problem, it can easily be fixed.
Overall though I thought your story was absolutely amazing. Especially the ending was so sweet.
Although you might not intend to, you could surely write a sequel. Or a continuance of this in greater detail. I really loved it. Good job! :D
First person is hard to write
I like your style. You have potential as a writer, but you need to take more care over the use of first person, and changing tenses.
The only way to do it, is to write more. Take care.
It would read soo much better...
...if you coudl only stick with one person's viewpoint. The switching is a killer.
wow
oh wow please continue with the story.
Really liked it!
Great job, looking forward to chapter 2!
needs a total rewrite
use one point of view ONLY and always use a GOOD editor. there were way to many STUPID errors that should have been caught during proofreading and would have been caught by a GOOD editor.
Nice plot but grammar is really inconsistent
The story line was excellent but you constantly change the perspective of the story. One time it's 1st person, next its 3rd person them it's second person. It became quite confusing towards the end.
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