You basic concept is fine but you have no idea of how to write a story and frame paragraphs so you wind up using convoluted sentences and restating things in the next paragraph. You also jump from first to second person perspectives in the same paragraph.
by
Anonymous02/13/12
Story Good, command of English not very
This was a good story that desperately needed a good command of written English. I would advise at least a study of better syntax and grammar. Flaws in the written work as I read are like potholes in a road and damage the reader's concentration much like a suspension on a vehicle can be harmed by the hole.
English
You need a proof reader!
You basic concept is fine but you have no idea of how to write a story and frame paragraphs so you wind up using convoluted sentences and restating things in the next paragraph. You also jump from first to second person perspectives in the same paragraph.
Story Good, command of English not very
This was a good story that desperately needed a good command of written English. I would advise at least a study of better syntax and grammar. Flaws in the written work as I read are like potholes in a road and damage the reader's concentration much like a suspension on a vehicle can be harmed by the hole.
Description sucks
What ghost? And from the sounds of things the girl was underage also..sigh wasted 10 mins of my life reading this tripe
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