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English
Not badly written at all
And it's a nice set up. However, I am still uncertain where Olivia would think this is a nice caring guy. According to him, he's never been in a long term relationship with a girl, he had almost no relationship with his siblings, a horrible relationship with his father and his mother's death didn't warrent much of a mention except as a passing reference once in each chapter.
He is alos a rough guy, fucks reasonably indiscriminantly and dangerously, and hangs with a crowd who treat women as a) the town bike, or b) personal property to be lent out occasionally like a sawzall.
So I guess I'm not just taking it for granted that he's particularly special. I'm sure you meant him to be, but I haven't been shown it except by the statements of Olivia. I guess the tenderly fucking Sharon behind Carlos' back and the fact he'll engage in cunnilingus is supposed to prove his chops, but that really doesn't do it for me.
So I'll take it on faith and enjoy the story.
There were a few grammatical errors but none the did more then slow my appreciation of the story.
As always a good story
The uncertainty about the nature of the people is part of the story. We do not know for sure but suspect that Sheila will betray the protagonist, whether or not he will do it first is a question, but it looks like he will end up with Olivia! A lot of road ahead of us....
good
The story is going along well and even though I think I can see whats coming, I still want to see how everthing eventually happens.
BEING FOREWARNED
doesnt stop life-changes or happenings TK U MLJ LV NV
Very slow
This story is moving verrrrrry slowwwwwwwwwwww.
I quess randy will fall in love with oliver
shiela is doomed to cheat
We do know for sure what will happen
We do know for sure what will happen. Sheila will cheat on Saturday and Olivia and Randy will end up together. The questions are how does Randy find out; what, if any, retribution he wreaks; and how does DGH manage to tell us this as excellently as usual.
Pretty good so far......
You've caught my attention and am looking forward to the next chapters. Thanks so much for your effort.
A question
If could DG Hear write a wrong story?
Getting Interesting!!
Keep the chapters coming. Thanks for sharing.
FD, It's the Narrator
This story is written as first-person narration. One of the hardest tasks a copy editor faces in a FPN story is to remember that the narrator is not an English teacher (except in the rare case when s/he is an English teacher, and DG Hear, MFG, doesn't write that kind of story).
This narrator does not speak grammatically, and is certainly not an English teacher. He's a biker who works in a blue-collar job. The story would ring so false that you would stop reading it the first time Randy spoke like an English teacher. And so would everybody else, even assuming DG Hear, MFG, let me do such obvious violence to his story.
OK
I see where this is going. Excellent read.
ALMOST BELIEVABLE
Gives a good discription of what really happens in bars like that. Been there done that. Good story so far.
I don't get it
Obviously he is in love with Olivia, and she with him. He doesn't trust Sheila, and she is a slut that he knows will give it up to anyone. They have nothing to tie them together, so why ARE they together? Why all the complication? Obviously he and Olivia will end up together, so why all the bullshit in between? Hell, they aren't even married, and have no kids, so what exactly is the point? Six chapters of this? Six lines would suffice! When you said that there were going to be twists, I thought you meant that this was going to be your first story that wasn't completely predictable!
Enjoyed it
Thanks for the offering.
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