well written, but still a few editing issues and word choice problems.
by
Anonymous03/09/12
rewrite
THIS NEEDS A TOTAL REWRITE. this is nothing but a first draft and should not have been posted. you left out a lot of words and used a lot of wrong words it reads like you never proofread it i know you didn't use an editor like you should have. SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND A WHOLE LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND REWRITE THE SERIES AND USE A GOOD EDITOR EITHER DO IT RIGHT OR NOT AT ALL.
by
Anonymous03/09/12
Love the story line
I enjoy your story keep it up and don't let the negative people stop you.
by
Anonymous03/09/12
Great Storyline
A really nice storyline, but as has been said, you need some help with editing and grammar. I've had a similar life with my younger sister - hasn't been easy but HAS been extremely satisfying and gratifying.
Please spend some time in the "How to" section of Literotica. There are some good posts in there on how to edit and tips on word choice, etc. You have a talent for telling a good story - just need some help putting it on paper.
Don't let the nasty comments (probably from fools who couldn't write to save their lives) deter you. Just work on the fundamentals that are in the How to and you'll do well!
Just wanted you to know I loved the story. Is there gonna be any more, would love to read more if you have it.
by
Anonymous05/14/12
Write more!
The story turned me on so much since my name is the same as Lanie's. Please write more it's really good.
by
Anonymous08/25/12
Continue.
I hope you continue writing this story and others like it.
by
Anonymous03/28/13
all i can say is
EDITOR EDITOR EDITOR
by
Anonymous04/12/13
Issues here...
Is it B, Bren, Brendan, or Brendon? You've used all four.
Story does seem like a draft; you're on the right track to a good tale, but it seems to move too fast or without good reason. Develop the characters & give them some substance and personality, yes, even abusive Dan.
Marvin
by
Anonymous07/31/15
It was a good story....but the one part about her time with abusive dan it was sex and sex more sex then later in story her brother took her virginity that was very confusing
English
very good
well written, but still a few editing issues and word choice problems.
rewrite
THIS NEEDS A TOTAL REWRITE. this is nothing but a first draft and should not have been posted. you left out a lot of words and used a lot of wrong words it reads like you never proofread it i know you didn't use an editor like you should have. SHOW SOME PRIDE IN YOUR WORK AND A WHOLE LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE READERS AND REWRITE THE SERIES AND USE A GOOD EDITOR EITHER DO IT RIGHT OR NOT AT ALL.
Love the story line
I enjoy your story keep it up and don't let the negative people stop you.
Great Storyline
A really nice storyline, but as has been said, you need some help with editing and grammar. I've had a similar life with my younger sister - hasn't been easy but HAS been extremely satisfying and gratifying.
Please spend some time in the "How to" section of Literotica. There are some good posts in there on how to edit and tips on word choice, etc. You have a talent for telling a good story - just need some help putting it on paper.
Don't let the nasty comments (probably from fools who couldn't write to save their lives) deter you. Just work on the fundamentals that are in the How to and you'll do well!
@ rewrite
A rewrite my butt,the only thing needed is an editor! Other than that,very good story!
OMG!
This reads like something from the Hillbilly Gazette. "I seen him coming". Geeze!
SCHOOL=a place you need to go back to...
Loved it
Just wanted you to know I loved the story. Is there gonna be any more, would love to read more if you have it.
Write more!
The story turned me on so much since my name is the same as Lanie's. Please write more it's really good.
Continue.
I hope you continue writing this story and others like it.
all i can say is
EDITOR EDITOR EDITOR
Issues here...
Is it B, Bren, Brendan, or Brendon? You've used all four.
Story does seem like a draft; you're on the right track to a good tale, but it seems to move too fast or without good reason. Develop the characters & give them some substance and personality, yes, even abusive Dan.
Marvin
It was a good story....but the one part about her time with abusive dan it was sex and sex more sex then later in story her brother took her virginity that was very confusing
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