Things are About to Change

Too many spelling errors

I notice that this is your first submission and you have fallen into the trap of not having someone edit your story. The number of spelling errors detract from the story. Keep trying.

Don't bother

Don't bother to write any more stories, have you ever heard of spell check? Try to develop the characters and have some sort of plot. It's not worth the effort to even read this story. I am surprised that literotica posted this story.

editing

While I give anyone who tries some credit, do you have a clue about spelling? or editing? Sorry, but until you make an attempt to clean this up it is almost unreadable.

Attention to detail

The plot line had some interest, but the other comments you have received are accurate. You must find an editor, you but use spell check after every paragraph and YOU MUST GET AN EDITOR!!!

Stay in school (or go back) and start LISTENING

I could tell from the prefacing Warning: "please look else ware" ... should be "where".
And then repeatedly your misspelling "listening" as "listing". Also you spelled "though" where it should have been "thought", and so on. A computer spellchecker program would not have caught these errors, as "ware", "though" and "listing" are all valid words, just not the correct ones for the sentences in your story. As for the sentences ... Missing are Capitalization, Periods, Commas. The frequency of run-on sentences was mind numbing. Seriously, stay in school and start paying attention (your "story" shows immaturity) or if you are older, you have good reason to be embarrassed; but don't let that stop you from enrolling in a local community college and taking some basic courses in English and Composition!

Needs edited

I appreciate your efforts and I looked forward to reading the story. However, I could only read the first six paragraphs when I was bothered too much by the lack o editing. You need an editor, not just a spell checker.

"Todd are you even listing to me?" is ed correctly. But I believe you wanted to used the word listening, not listing. One is actively hearing, the other is tilting to one side.

What I did say? should be "What did I say"?

I commnd your attempt, but in the future, please use an editor and proof read your material.

Thank you

Even I mke mistakes.

The autocorrect feature on my I-pad changed "spelled" to "ed". Some errors happen as true mistakes, others are due to a lack of followthrough.

I am truely sorry for the spelling errors in my comments.

I am truely sorry for the spelling errors in my comments.

not bad find someone to prof raed !

oh for fuck's sake it's a story, not a doctoral thesis. it's a damn good story please continue to write

School System

What a sad reflection upon your school system. You did go to school, did you not? Presuming so, you obviously did not pay sufficient attention.
I don't think I have ever seen such a pathetic posting. Others say you need an editor - I cannot disagre. I submit, though, that you need to go back to school and stay awake this time. Pathetic. . . .

More please.

I hope you will continue with this story, I enjoyed reading it.

Nice

Nice story but you do need a proof reader there were a bunch of mistakes that would have made the story flow smoother if they weren't there. Looking forward to reading what happens next hopefully there will be another chapter.

Nice.....

... really nice.

it's a story

To all who are bagging on this person for his bad spelling and grammar. Hey guess what...Chances are this person is Not a English Major so Back Off! If you really get off to that thing go read Doctoral Thesis's I'm sure that will get you going because clearly all you care about is spelling and grammar.

Now onto the writer. Nice build up.....but it shouldn't have been the story alone. Write more :)

Impossible to read

Just the occasional comma (in the right place) would be a treat.

Spell Check &Grammar!

You needed to proof read your work before submitting it. That helps but you would be better off having someone else proof read and edit the story for you.

What language do you speak

Check your spelling chum!

Pretty good story

Keep going and maybe get somebody to edit for you.

needs work

Story line was ok, but not cohesive, and as other comments have shared, the piece needed editing.

To the person defending his poor grammar:

You don't have to be an English major to use proper grammar. They teach that shit in elementary school, for Christ's sake.

* * *

Three stars. I loved the over all theme. I would have
marked four but so many errors made it really
hard to get into.

I'm guessing you rushed to have this posted
instead of taking your time to revise it.

Good try

Everything was pretty disjointed which screwed the story for me. You need an editor if you think the way this story is marked is good to go public.
RS

Ugh

Don't listen to the mindless illiterate bots that say the grammar doesn't matter. It DOES matter if you want votes. The mindless illiterate bots are the ones who can't even put together a coherent sentence themselves because they failed 8th grade.

Your grammar in this one was atrocious. Really bad. Periods go at the end of a sentence. Commas? There was none where they were supposed to be.

Get an editor or you'll be seeing lots of bad comments. That and people won't even bother reading your stuff if you do more stories in the future. There's a few authors who post stories and I avoid them because of lousy grammar.

I post this anonymously because I get tired of assholes sending me comments via my "page" to tell me I'm an asshole for not going , rah, rah, rah.'

These are the babies who say us anons are idiots for posting anonymously. Once you post with your username, you get hammered for being a critic.

Why the errors?

I agree with MrLurker, and marked this down for the same reason.

Score down

3 for the god-awful English. You've got the makings of a good story; the language expression is pitiful. E.g. "deiced" twice for "decided"? Give us a break & get an editor.

You probably don't know what the word "gibberish" means.

Rather than explain it, I'll just tell you to look up the definition. Then I'll tell you to apply that definition to what you've submitted. (Here's a clue: it's not praise.)

Do you proof read?

I have to agree with alot of the comments here. Please get someone to edit your future stories. There are people here that volunteer to edit stories that you write.

You have the beginnings of what could be a very good story but, PLEASE, get someone to edit it before you post it.

Lousy grammer

The story is fine. Your GRAMMER, SPELLING and PUNCTUATION are atrocious.

Grammar/Spelling

I agree with alot of the comments. Grammar and spelling really makes a story sell. It also helps when describing intimate situations. Please get someone to proof read and edit your next story. Otherwise not bad, could do with a bit more on the description with the sexy bits. Take the advice and I look forward to your next story.

Cowards

I generally have a real problem with anonymous critics and those who've never written anything. Anonymous critics are cowards plain and simple. Anybody who hasn't written anything doesn't have the right to criticize a written story that includes myself. MrLurker, & Monagamous_Now, have written stories, their comments are the only criticism that really counts. As the saying goes "You have to walk a mile in someone's shoes", before you have that right. It was a good story thanks for writing it.

Thanks For Feed Back

Well thank you all for the feed back and regardless of people trying to defend me I enjoy reading the feed back it makes me a better writer, so thank you.
I'm working on part 2 and I hope to have it out soon and yes, I found a editor so it will be done right.
And to the other most asked question yes I have a high school education and I graduated with honors not that it should matter but there it is I'm in college for Home land Security and Crime scene investigation.
I only wrote the story because I did one other that some friends liked and said i should do one for this site I'm sorry if you did not enjoy it, but hey I put my self out there and hoped for the best
Thanks for reading, it more to come enjoy the rest of your night/day

Hot hot hot

OMG .. That was so hot, I love this stuff.
Keep up the good work. I need more of your stories.
Happy Little Pervert
HLP

Pervy

is good.

typical

typical trash for this site a college guy that can't write. notice mr pervy complains about nonwriters commenting yet he never wrote anything himself . TALK ABOUT A POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK. EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO COMMENT ON EVERY STORY LIKE IT OR NOT ASSES LIKE PERVY JUST THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN THE REST OF US BUT ARE REALLY WORSE.

@ "Typical"

Poor sad lad... seen you here many times before. Pure drivel, you. And hypocracy as well: it was you who told me that I had no right to comment on comments, yet you're doing it here.

Hint: if you wish to remain anonymous in the future, lay off the Caps Lock key. If you can.

Proof read!

With the lousy spelling and punctuation, it was hard keeping up with the story.

seriously?

Paragraphs that are one long sentence, countless spelling and grammar errors. I had to stop about a dozen times to figure out what the hell you were saying. One of your tags is even 'bother sister sex'. Couldn't you just stop for one second and hit spell check?

tuff reedink

tuff too reed bekause of teribulll cpelink. neks tym youse Eengish.

Hey, don't give up hope!

You, too, can write like the people here who diss you for being "inconsistant" and having bad "grammer."

But, seriously this was not only bad, it was childish and boring. You must have finished high school (how?) because you say you're in a criminal justice program, or something, so I wonder why you learned nothing there, and why you think good, clear, writing isn't needed in your present field of study.

Good concept but bad grammar

The premise of your story is interesting in and of itself but unfortunately I was unable to fully enjoy it because of the numerous spelling and grammar mistakes it contained. I am glad to see that you are considering the comments here and are going to seek out help in proofreading your stories in the future. Do not listen to the rather poor advice of those who say grammar does not matter. They are uneducated morons who couldn't string together a coherent sentence if they were given instructions made simple enough for a kindergardener to understand. Many advise you to use your spell-check to catch mistakes, and while I will not contradict them, I further advise you to take a break from your stories after you finish them. Then come back a day or so later and print them out to proofread them yourself first. I have found that doing this highly increases my ability to catch errors I make that I did not see on my computer screen. After you proofread your stories, then find another person to do the same for you. When that person returns it to you, make all the necessary corrections and then submit your story. I realize I am probably repeating what many have already said but I see potential in your writing. I wish you good luck.

Ok Enough is Enough

Ok i understand the grammar issues at hand and yes i can read ffs people i did it for fun and you bashing my grammar i have auto correct on my lap top and it does stupid stuff but i re read it when it got posted and knew i messed up a lot but thanks for the comment's i enjoy reading them they make me better part 2 will be out this month watch for it

forget those jerks

I liked your story it was good enough to make me forget about the errors with its overall quality keep writing this ertic gold

Too many errors...

not in the plot, in the spelling & word use. Get an editor.

End it please

Are you foreign honey? First story or not this was just painful. Then toward the end your narrative started to sound like Tarzan. (she came hard-I feel good) don't continue this story. Let it die here. Study writing, or read often, then attempt again with a more interesting character.

baby

nothing hotter then incest inprenation

Unreadable!

Rule No. 1: Do not annoy the reader!

I exploded what felt like a gallon of cum deep inside of my sister

fucken he ha ,ride that pussy cow boy .this just stupid

Interpunction.

Pain to my old, overused eyes. Nice story, but the writing... there are people who would spellcheck it, help with almost everything. Just ask for them on the site ;)

People can be so mean. Yes there was some grammar and spelling mistakes, but it did not take away from the story. I loved it and would love to read more!! :)