Yes I see what you mean. Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate all feedback. I think I was a little over anxious to get a new story out quick. I hope the next one gives readers something more to dive into.
by
Anonymous03/28/12
It was ok until....
...you got to the bit about "......its full 9 inches."
Dream on!!
apart from that - really mediocre
by
Anonymous03/29/12
Participles and gerunds
are certainly legitimate in writing, but .....
"Yawning as I stumbled ...
Getting up at 4:00am ...
but going early ...
Chugging down a protein shake ...
Pulling into the parking lot ...
Walking into the well-lit gym ..."
... in the first TWO paragraphs alone is overdoing it.
And it gets worse towards the end.
Please think of alternatives and, as has been mentioned, shrink the cocks.
by
Anonymous06/30/12
Erotica does not need semantics
To the grammatically correct and obtuse
Erotica existed before the English language and the queen is German as well know! So let the man write : if semantics dictate your imagination, then your taste is fuddled up by letters and vowels, fuck knows what your min is filled up of.
Superman, pull up your red underwear and shoot it from the hip, well keyboard in this case!
English
OK
But no plot development, no character development. You can do better, I think you have the talent.
I thank your right.
Yes I see what you mean. Thanks for the comment. I really appreciate all feedback. I think I was a little over anxious to get a new story out quick. I hope the next one gives readers something more to dive into.
It was ok until....
...you got to the bit about "......its full 9 inches."
Dream on!!
apart from that - really mediocre
Participles and gerunds
are certainly legitimate in writing, but .....
"Yawning as I stumbled ...
Getting up at 4:00am ...
but going early ...
Chugging down a protein shake ...
Pulling into the parking lot ...
Walking into the well-lit gym ..."
... in the first TWO paragraphs alone is overdoing it.
And it gets worse towards the end.
Please think of alternatives and, as has been mentioned, shrink the cocks.
Erotica does not need semantics
To the grammatically correct and obtuse
Erotica existed before the English language and the queen is German as well know! So let the man write : if semantics dictate your imagination, then your taste is fuddled up by letters and vowels, fuck knows what your min is filled up of.
Superman, pull up your red underwear and shoot it from the hip, well keyboard in this case!
To all you rascals out there, Mind It!
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