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English
Nice!
Kinda quick, but pretty good all the same.
Please
more . Liked the story . Little quick, but that part is over and now you can write more chapters . Thanks
Fitting
A pretty good evocation of the clumsiness and haste of many first times, especially with a forbidden partner. It's kind of a shame about Literotica's over 17 policy, because so many of the stories here more acurately fit partners at least several years younger than 18, as do these characters.
Nice work
I enjoyed the read, although, like others have pointed out, seemed a little rushed. I liked the different perspectives, however, they were a little hard to follow at times. I suggest you find some way of letting the reader know who is talking or having the internal monologue. Other than that, good work and I look forward to your next chapter. Take your time!
Great Story!
This was a great story, I hope you keep it going it is very interesting and pulled me in to it. Thank for your time and effort.
good job
I agree with others, more chapters on these kids,
Good story, but...
It was not a great story, but I did like like it. I agree with others regarding it being rushed. Take a bit more time to develop your characters and plot.
Next, follow the link below and read what this this woman has written. Print it out and follow the examples. Go back and re-read what you have already written and compare it to the examples and you should see what you need to do.
http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-charac ters-talk
Last: Seek out an editor to help you make sure you didn't leave out words, or use the wrong ones such as 'to' and 'too' or 'here' and 'hear'. English has so many words that are pronounced the same, but spelled differently with different meanings.
I look forward to reading the next and hopefully better written next chapter.
S347
NOT WORTH READING
no real background as to their relationship way to rushed and unrealistic. all in all a waste of your time our time and the sites space take the advice of the reader below and learn. after reading the site mentioned delete all stories and rewrite them properly until then STOP WRITING.
great story
your story had a lot of great aspects I particulary liked that you where able to masterfully change the perspectives without compromising the nuances of the characters personality
Why the annoying perspective changes?
I couldn't stand the constant changes in perspective.
I gave up, skipped to the end, voted one star and wrote this comment.
Your other stories are so much better.
Great story
Keep up the good work
a fine story
It's so cool when siblings find out what they can do with what each of them has between their legs. I messed around with my baby sister when we were kids, I used to rub her cute little coochie and stick a finger up inside a little ways. I egged her on to handle my boy stuff, and sis thought that was so neat, what a boy's got. She'd smile while grasping my cock in her little hand and cupping and cuddling my balls, or at least what could fit in her hand. My cock and balls were the first my kid sister ever saw, she got bug-eyed when I sprang a hard on the first time, it was so funny, and her sweet slit and pretty little clit were the first I ever played with. I never fucked my sister, dammit, now she's married, but I bet when she's with her hubby with his diminutive pecker (which I've seen), my pretty baby sis misses her big brother's big fat cock.
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