Nice job on the second chapter and I am still hooked and want to read more of your interesting characters, Again nice job and thanks for the time and the effort.
by
Anonymous04/10/12
Good story, but an editor would be very helpful.
She laughed and punched me "Jerk."
I waited until she stopped crying before pulling back onto the road.
Also, the segway from person to person was a little distracting.
All in all it was a good story.
You definitely need an editor. Misspelled words that pass a spell checker should have been caught before submission. Example: "I blew faintly as I pulled my mead back a little and watched the nipple grow." Mead is a honey wine, but it passes spell checking, even though the word should have been 'head'.
Re-read the 5 paragraphs starting with the one the above line is in, and pay attention to how many times you used the word 'I' and especially how many sentences started with 'I'.
A good editor can help you rewrite your story to make it much better.
S347
by
Anonymous04/10/12
way to rushed
from the time he left the house to what happened here should have taken months not overnight. this isn't a race slow down and properly build the plot. take the advice of the readers and read the how to section then rewrite both chapters and use a good editor before reposting.
great story with lots of emotion and don't worry about the critics its not about build up or having some ten page epic its about telling the story you want to tell
I wasn't a fan of the first story. It started out good, but turned into a quick fuck without any emotion or drama leading up to what would have been an even better break in tension. This story is much improved but is still lacking a little but to make it a great story
English
Great Story!
Nice job on the second chapter and I am still hooked and want to read more of your interesting characters, Again nice job and thanks for the time and the effort.
Good story, but an editor would be very helpful.
She laughed and punched me "Jerk."
I waited until she stopped crying before pulling back onto the road.
Also, the segway from person to person was a little distracting.
All in all it was a good story.
Good story, just 'OK' writing
You definitely need an editor. Misspelled words that pass a spell checker should have been caught before submission. Example: "I blew faintly as I pulled my mead back a little and watched the nipple grow." Mead is a honey wine, but it passes spell checking, even though the word should have been 'head'.
Re-read the 5 paragraphs starting with the one the above line is in, and pay attention to how many times you used the word 'I' and especially how many sentences started with 'I'.
A good editor can help you rewrite your story to make it much better.
S347
way to rushed
from the time he left the house to what happened here should have taken months not overnight. this isn't a race slow down and properly build the plot. take the advice of the readers and read the how to section then rewrite both chapters and use a good editor before reposting.
Good Story
I enjoyed the story. You developed this story a little bit more. Try not to rush it, let it flow. I hope you continue this series. Job well done.
excellent work
great story with lots of emotion and don't worry about the critics its not about build up or having some ten page epic its about telling the story you want to tell
Great work
Even better than the first chapter
Much improved
I wasn't a fan of the first story. It started out good, but turned into a quick fuck without any emotion or drama leading up to what would have been an even better break in tension. This story is much improved but is still lacking a little but to make it a great story
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Sibling Rivalry Ch. 02 or
More submissions by Saintisidore.