All Comments on 'Honey, I Have a Headache'

by ElaraCollins

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AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
And this is why...

...the whores will always be with us.

If you pay for sex with money, you don't have to pay for sex by listening to complaining.

DmitryDmitryalmost 12 years ago
Thanks

for the honesty. I have been married for some time, and only now some of the things make sense. THANK YOU. Isn't funny, how one can fit a women s perspective on sex in 30 headings? I think for man it will take 1 or 2.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago

A thing I learned from my wife's gynecologist when we first got married, was to wait until morning-don't try to have sex when you're both tired. It really works. A good night's sleep will prepare you for good, if not great, sex.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
To the 2nd anonymous

Actually, the reason that we'll always have whores is because that's all a loser like you can get.

As for the author, if I weren't already married to the sexiest babe on the planet for 35 years, I'd love to take her to dinner and have a delightful conversation about HER (not just sex)...and I'd even shower first.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago

These were great and true. Harry, i am glad you are not a steroetype but from someone who is out there dating...most men are like this. Be proud you are the exception.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
You are not having exciting enough sex with your man

When you have an exciting and vigorous time with your man, most of the time your desire will trump every reason you mentioned. When sex become old, boring and routine, every reason you mentioned above will trump any reason to have sex. Try teaching your man what you enjoy and try learning what he enjoys and your sex life will explode with passion and frequency will be exactly right for both of you.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
All of that means no sex ever

I have a wife who has used every one of these at one time or another and many many more you haven't even thought of. The real truth is that some women are frigid bitches who's real wedding vow ends, not with "I do" but with "I did to hook you in but I won't ever again." Heaven help you though if you give up after a few years of celibacy and look elsewhere.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago

To annon, 'all that means is no sex ever', is it any wonder you don't get any with that attitude, if I was your wife you certainly wouldn't be getting any. I'm guessing you're a wam bam thank you mam kind of guy who likes to get off but doesn't give a shit about your wife enjoying it. Maybe if you took the time to learn you might get some.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Top 5 reasons men don't want to have sex.

1) you talk too damn much, and never listen

2) you complain about EVERYFUCKINTHING I say, do, or like.

3) you throw Oprah in my face every time we have an argument. I didn't marry that stupid bitch, I married YOU! Maybe you two should hook up and leave my ass in peace.

4) you always bring up shit I did THREE FUCKING WEEKS AGO whenever we argue. Keep it current, or keep it to yourself, okay?

5) you're more concerned about my money than you are about me.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
All too true

We mid 60's, married 32 yrs, empty nest, haven't slept together in yrs. We both snore and have to get up during the night for the bathroom.

I'm retired, my wife still works, and we had a very active sex life.

I'm amazed at how our relationship has improved since I started doing the cooking and grocery shopping. I'd been doing the bulk of the dish washing and laundry but just making dinner when she gets home lets her de-compress and we're both more relaxed and enjoy each others company more.

I'd also been guilty (and still am) of spending too much time with my car(s) - addicted to old Lincolns, but she tolerates my 2nd passion.

She's #1 of course. markedman

ReiDeBastosReiDeBastosalmost 12 years ago
Nice essay

My first reaction upon reading about this piece was Only thirty? There are at least as many reasons as there are couples out there. But yes, many/most of those reasons and excuses fall into broad (no pun intended) categories, and you covered many of them here nicely.

I just wish that more women were willing and able to express their reasons rather than letting their partner guess what the problem is. Or, worse, insisting that their partner be psychic, like my first wife did (ME: Hon, what's wrong? HER: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!)

I would far prefer the pain of a blunt truth (You smell bad!) to the pain of not knowing, and imagining things far worse.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
True? Probably. Balanced? Definitely not.

As I read through this, the main thing that went through my head was the unstated premise that the author used as the basis of her commentary: the notion that all men who are refused sex on a regular basis by their partners are in some way unworthy, and that all women who refuse sex regularly do so for perfectly reasonable reasons. With the greatest of respect, I do not buy that at all.

First, the bits that I agree with: personal hygiene is an absolute must, for both parties. Fair division of housework and parenting is a reasonable expectation. Partners have a right to expect emotional support from each other. Every act of intimacy must begin from a place of mutual respect and continue that way throughout, even if it does become consensual "rough sex" that both parties enjoy. Taking advantage of a beautiful, consensual intimate act without consent to make it into a power play isn't acceptable - i.e. the blowjob that becomes some kind of face-fucking exercise.

Now, the bits I don't agree with: catering to neuroses, body image problems and the like. If you're unhappy in yourself in some way, have the courage and the initiative to get off your backside and do something about it. Sitting there and expecting your man to love you "no matter what" isn't reasonable, it's weak. Most of the time pro-actively looking after your physical and mental health will prevent you getting into that situation in the first place, regardless of how busy you are in today's modern world where everyone - including men - juggle multiple roles on an average day as a matter of course. Next: the implied assumption that a man's need for physical intimacy in a relationship is something that ranks last in a long line of requirements that he needs to meet to even get a look in: sorry, but that's not very respectful. In a relationship a man has every right to expect his woman to be as mindful of his need for intimacy as she is of her other obligations. If she finds herself consistently ignoring, side-stepping or manipulating her way out of it, she shouldn't be surprised if there are eventual consequences - in my case those would come in a very direct, above-board, and (as you can tell) perhaps very harsh way. And don't get me started on the "being in love with someone else" thing - the woman who's asserting that point needs to be asserting it from some physically different location than the person who may have previously reasonably expected intimacy from her - i.e., if you're moving on, actually move on.

There's a plethora of "advice" for men who are automatically assumed to be too stupid, hapless or brutish to know how to treat their women right, but precious little for women on how to treat their man right. A lot of that, in my opinion, is down to the over-sensitivity of women to the notion that they can be anything less than perfect, no matter how flawed they actually are. Take it from someone with personal experience in these matters: if a woman doesn't meet up to my expectations, she can damn well expect me to set her aside and go find someone who does. To those of you who'd assert that I'll never have success in such an enterprise: I've already proven you wrong.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Leverage

Too bad this essay sounds like an explanation of how women use sex for leverage to get men to give them more things or do things for them. If a man didn't enjoy sex he wouldn't do it. If a woman did enjoy sex she would look for reasons to do it not reasons to not do it. If she doesn't want to then she should say she doesn't want to. She shouldn't use euphemisms. That makes men wonder. Does she mean she doesn't want sex right now, or she doesn't want sex ever again, or she doesn't want sex with him ever again? If it's right now, then whatever is wrong can be fixed. If it's the other two then say so, so he can invest his time elsewhere instead of wasting it with her. I was married to someone who only offered sex after any big purchase I made for her such as each time I bought her a better house or bigger car. It was supposed to be my "reward." If I tried at any other time the answer was no. When I got to the point where I could not possibly fulfill her material needs she took out a life insurance policy on me that WOULD fulfill her material needs then tried to murder me. I should have hesitated marrying someone who was so proud of being in drama club in high school. So pardon me if I think women are more apt to use sex as leverage than to believe that they genuinely have some legitimate reason for not feeling like it today. It's hard to believe that they legitimately like sex but still place so many restrictions and addendums on it that it makes it almost impossible to find the right set of conditions whereby she would partake.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Reads like a Free Pass to the strip club

There a few reasons/situations where a spouse doesn't want sex and can be communicated without a lot of bullshit. This list is basically a passive-aggressive manual for sending your man to the nearest firm and willing piece of ass, and unless your man is a total loser, firm and willing tail is out there to be had. Fun story in a not-at-all serious sort of way.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Wow--

What an interesting range of responses! Guys, please don't get so defensive--she actually makes some useful suggestions.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Wow, spot on!

Been married 30 years and hate to admit that the first 20 were pretty sexless for all of the reasons you list except another or past lover. I feel bad that husbands have to deal with a wife's body image neurosis but we are ill prepared for what pregnancy does to our bodies, and men are even less prepared to understand that. I couldn't, at the time, understand the link between being essentially ignored as a woman, not as mother to his children, and my lack of desire. All I knew was that my life revolved around giving care to others and NEVER feeling emotionally supported by him. It was my job as mother to think, plan, and arrange every facet of their lives. To orchestrate their daily lives and OUR lives as parents. My husband didn't understand, and I never found a way to explain it well enough, that his passivity in following my lead as Mommy only caused me to view him as another child or as a Dad. I do not want sex with a child nor my father, but would love sex with a lover.

NEVER getting affection, just giving affection. I breast fed, I cuddled, I soothed and loved my children and the only time he touched me was when he wanted sex. Fuck off douche bag! I've spent the day giving to others and a titty squeeze as I load the dishes only pisses me off!

NEVER getting a reminder that I was god damn hot, and I was smoking hot! I'm still hot for a 50 years old! NEVER heard him say I was beautiful, never heard him exclaim how attracted he was to me, even with the scars of child birth. The best I EVER got was a very mild... You look nice... Telling me dinner was yummy, and noticing the clean house is NOT what a lover says to another it's what Dad says to Mom. I'm not your mother and you are NOT my father. I'm your lover/wife/friend!

You men say "she never let's it go... She's still pissed about last month!" Because you still don't fucking get it! You may have said words indicating an apology but my bet is that you A, aren't really sorry that what you did hurt her feelings because she's too sensitive anyway; B, really aren't sure how you were supposed to know that what you did was going to hurt her feelings because she hormonal as hell; C, did not deliver a real honest apology but instead spoke words to placate so that your world would return to peace. You were right though. My feelings got hurt and it was my fault for being too sensitive and too hormonal. And if you gave a damn about me you'd realize that if I could control those things, I absolutely would NOT be too sensitive or too hormonal!

My husband fucked up right left and center and I only understood that I didn't want him touching me. If I had had this list I could have communicated better and understood that my needs to feel emotionally connected, to have affection (outside of the bedroom) to feel that in his eyes I was beautiful, sexy and desired, maybe we could have had 30 years of smoking hot sex rather than just the last 10.

My husband was absolutely clueless. But so was I. I hate that we wasted so damn much time being total fuckups as spouses. At least we didn't totally fuck up as parents and now we are the annoying couple who can't keep their hand off each other and make so much noise in the bedroom our neighbors snicker at us. Couldn't care less what they think. Sex is awesome, but it takes insight and honest communication to get it.

If you're married and you aren't getting any, ask her her why. Ask her over and over until YOU understand why. You have a right to have your needs met, just as she does. If my husband had let me know that he needed to understand why I never wanted sex, I probably would have been able communicate better. But he just got mad, tuned me out and emotionally checked out. He felt rejected, I felt rejected and on and on we went horribly unhappy and thinking this is just what happens when we become parents. Total fuck ups as lovers.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
No

Generalising one's personal experience and pretending it's universal doesn't make it universally valid. There are plenty of men who do the right things but still don't have fulfilling relationships with their wives. The notion that in order to do so, they have to become subservient to their spouse's rage simply because it's something she can't control is completely ridiculous: how to reconcile after a fight and to let go of one's anger is a skill taught to kids in a playground. Taking responsibility for one's actions -and their consequences - is a fundamental part of being an adult. So is the obligation to communicate clearly, for both parties, and the incoherent expression of rage does not constitute clear communication.

Men have no reason or cause to put up with disrespect from the one person whose validation they are most entitled to, unless they have done something extreme to earn that disrespect, which shouldn't have to include such trivialities as minor omissions of compliments. Also, calling the male response "defensive" is simply a way of de-valuing it instead of really listening to it. But then I suspect this is a potentially endless argument, because the women commentators will simply refuse to accept that they are anything but utterly and completely blameless for such a state of affairs. That is a great pity.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Too Anon "No"

You are right. We women have to take responsibility for our actions. We have to let the past stay in the past. We have to communicate effectively to our spouses, what we need, what we want, what we desire and what we dream about. You are totally right that no man should have to put up with hormonal rages and that every husband is entitled to validation from his wife. I know some women are in fact insane bitches and I wonder how their poor husbands deal with it! I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to pull those men aside and advise them not to allow anyone to talk to them that way. Think of the example they're setting for their children!

Your comment came just after I left mine "wow spot on" and though we make similar points it seems that you did exactly what you accuse women of doing cause it sounded darn close to a rage to me. You just trivialized a woman's need for reassurance, you totally ignored a woman's need to feel understood. This is exactly what a defensive man sounds like. Instead of investigating how it could possibly make such a difference in my spouses sex drive that I compliment her, you turn it around and label it trivial.

And past misdeeds, when not repeated, do indeed stay in the past.

Seek first to understand, second to be understood. I wish you peace.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
30 reasons why a man does'nt want sex

Turn all the 30 reasons around to a males perspective (he as a house-husband, wife as the leading bread winner. Been there & done it) We are now divorced after 12 yrs, but thankfully still talk, meet, drink & occasionally still 'make LOVE'.

I have used all 30 reasons & more, IE if you can't show me some affection, why should I show you?

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Not bad in general

But you painted yourself into a corner. See, men will go to incredible lengths to have sex. Let's say a husband comes home from working all day, after having stopped off at the gym because he gives a damn and wants to look good for his wife, and just before he heads into the shower so he's all clean and smells good, he tells her how hot she looks and that he loves her. After the shower, he helps make dinner, tells her what a wonderful cook she is, and that he loves her and that she's super sexy. After dinner, he cleans up, but not before telling her how hot she is and that he loves her. Well, after all that, his reward? "I just don't feel like it." Ah...of course. And you know, that might actually fly for a day or two, maybe a week, MAYBE even a month or two, depending on how forgiving a man he is. But at a certain point, the bullshit-o-meter starts flashing and blaring, and a man gets an actual physical ache to have sex with his wife. Guess what then? A man starts noticing that other women might be attracted to him, women that don't put out a list of 30 or so points that looks more like a contract, only with his obligations set in stone and her obligations are more of a maybe. Women that think he's pretty sexy just the way he is, and think his wife is possibly (definitely) using sex as a weapon. Women that might just be willing to comfort him emotionally, and not long after, physically... You ladies might want to think about that before emailing this list of demands to your husbands.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Hilarious...and so true!

If you read it with the sense of humor that was probably intended, this is actually pretty well written. Believe it or not, a lot of women feel EXACTLY like this, and Ms. Collins is simply brave enough to point out what most of us won't dare say to your face. I'm sure a lot of men take offense to some of this, but those of you who do, please remember, MOST men (especially the younger generation) are completely clueless when it comes to REAL romance. They are equally clueless about how women think and feel about how they are generally disrespected. Most women are treated like dirt by the men in their lives. For those of you who feel you DO have a clue about women and think this doesn't apply to you...relax...why are you taking this so personal? It's not about you.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 11 years ago
as an aside

I think in my relationships I've been aware of these factors as they come up. Whether or not I wanted to acknowledge them is a different story. The thing is, when I have acknowledged these things, it really turns me off from my partner. My love for them shrinks and my horniness subsides. I don't become desperate. When I've conveyed this to my partners, it has really messed with then much more than withholding sex ever messed with me. And then they start to initiate the sex, but it feels wrong and coerced. I want the love. i want us both to lust after each other. In the absence of that, I think there are underlying relationship issues that come through this list. The problems in your sex life is probably incidental to the greater issues within your marriage. Men should never feel desperate for sex. Even the most sought after man was single once and got along just fine without sex for a significant period of time. You're spouse might be a dick. But I'm wondering.. has there been a time in the past year where you seem duffering inside(even if he was witholding it from you). Did you hug him? Did you hold him? When was the last time you did something nice for him? I don't mean something extravagant. A small love letter.. a few words.. a sweet text message.. ? Assuming you do the above, your husband will probably understand that you are not always in the mood and appreciate that you care about him and meet his emotional needs. But from where I'm sitting it sounds like on some level you think you are better than him, that you are doing him some sort of favour by being with him. Honestly, if he does cheat I bet it would be with someone a lot less attractive than you. Just someone who seemed to care about him. If only people extended even 1/2 of the love and care for their spouses as they do for their own children. On the issue of lusting over past lovers.. it's important to address those feelings, but underneatt that, I mean it's obvious, you have lost the love for your husband and you blame him. Heck, maybe it's his fault but just be honest. There is no need for this list. A loving husband will understand when you are not in the mood.

Mister_ShyMister_Shyover 10 years ago

I well and truly enjoyed reading this. Cogent points that clearly and fairly outline a woman's perspective. After a few years living with a woman, some of these were obvious. But you go into great depth and made me consider the mentality of my partner the way I hadn't before.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 9 years ago
some men need to be treated just as fair

now my wife and i have been through everything together i helped her come out of her shell once she opened up things in the bedroom did as well before her i never liked going down on exs but with my wife i love it i do it every chance i get sometime not every day but as a treat or as a i want you more than anything now sign i would like a bit of head even as a warm up im not like most guys who only want head but i like a bit fairness in everything in our lives

KingCuddleKingCuddleover 5 years ago
I'll watch for a version of All This.......framed positively.

Maybe...Fill-in-the-blanks? Like Mad Libs?

I love it when you _______________,

My favorite things about you are _______________, ___________, and __________,

Thank you, so much, for ______________. And especially, for __________!

It was so exciting when you _____________.

Can we please ______________________?

It feels so good when you___________________.

YESSS! Just like that! __________________.

How did I get so lucky, having ____________________?

I'm so glad you're not one of those men who _________________.

Feel free to add more!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 4 years ago
Headache didn't exist until women invented it

Go MGTOW, please!

chefjess2039chefjess2039about 1 month ago

I love how it's always about the Woman's wants and needs when if ever had a woman thought about what her man might need. If a man is in the mood but the woman isn't and he asks he is being selfish and just thinking about himself and he's told to put her needs above his own which I understand but when is it her turn to put his needs above her wants. If you constantly turn him down for sex don't be surprised if he seeks sexual release elsewhere. We shouldn't have to always be the one to initiate sex. If the women is feeling unloved or neglected you need to ask yourself when was the last time you made him feel loved or wanted if you can't remember then maybe just maybe he's just given up showing you just to be ignored himself. Women think we only want sex because we are horny when it's about being closer to the one we love a way to connect with you. To the women that's husband's can't get them off. If you haven't either showed or taught them what you need then you only have yourself to blame. Men aren't born with the knowledge on how to pleasure their partners. By all means just let them stumble in the dark that way you can be justified with your disappointment and my final point stop using the old size matters line if you can get yourself off with your fingers then it's not about size it about the power of humiliation

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