All Comments on 'Awakened Guardian'

by arisamorak

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  • 18 Comments
Lioness_QueenLioness_Queenalmost 12 years ago
More!!

I love it. Its interesting. You just need an editor to Polish some parts

avidreadravidreadralmost 12 years ago
MORE, PLEASE

Very interesting and different. Very good characters, especially Killian. It sounds like it will be continuing so I'll keep me eyes open.

Cia81Cia81almost 12 years ago
Good but. . .

I think you need to sit down and write out what you plan for this story. There were a few things that didn't make a whole lot of sense. Showing who/what the characters are, especially in a fantasy, has to be done carefully to avoid confusing readers but I understand this is just the first chapter. You have a good hook, and an interesting new world started but it seems a tad muddled. Things like you say 'their guardian' is the brother of the guardian that is sleeping. But where is their guardian? That seems to be a pretty important part of the story, and he is missing.

I have a different style of writing, I introduce characters gradually as it pertains to the story. It seemed a tad weird that your character would be thinking of the businesses and his brother's characteristics and their ages while he was fleeing for his life from his family's killers, but that's just me. Also, with a blind character, you really have to focus on the other senses. You do get around that by sharing descriptions his father gave him and then letting him see when he touches his protector, but you could highlight how he feels things. Is the air musty, can he feel air currents? Can he smell dust? Even if he knows where he is going, does he run his hand along the wall to keep track of the path? Is it rough, smooth, warm, wet and cold? Does the air warm against his skin when the torches light in the final chamber? Why did he never talk? Why didn't he have to talk before? That didn't make a lot of sense.

A beta reader or editor would help you with grammar/punctuation rules as well as refining the story. Your flow is a bit jerky when it comes to your dialogue, your past/present tenses are off, and you have missing words and things spelled incorrectly. A major issue is using predecessor for Damon, that means a person that comes before, like an ancestor. He would be the descendant or successor. My first story was full of things like this, writing is hard and there are a lot of rules to learn. Having help is invaluable and I wouldn't know what to do without my beta catching most of my mistakes.

Good luck, and keep writing. I think you have a good plot here, you just need to work a little on your execution. Your hook definitely kept me reading through the issues I mentioned, which was very important, especially in a first chapter. I'll be back to read the next part when you post it.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Not adding up

Cia81 hit all the points I would have, so I really hope you take the advice. If you don't have/want a beta reader you need to train yourself to read your story critically after writing it. Taking some time away and coming back to re-read days later might help you notice some of the confusing bits/lack of flow.

I have a big pet peeve, and that is when fantasy writers use elements from culture in the real world as metaphors/similes in their stories. In your text you have your protagonist comparing his brother to Bambi, which completely brought me out of the mood of the moment (blind Damon fleeing for his life through a labyrinth of tunnels) because it was so glaringly inconsistent. In a world with cursed hibernating gaurdian-creatures and spelled swords, surely there is no Bambi. Make the effort to express yourself without using incongruous references to our real pop-culture and your writing will be more effective and enjoyable to the reader.

Good luck!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Great start!

I think I'm going to love the tale you're spinning, and I'm looking forward to more of it. I do agree that you definitely need a proofer, and probably an editor to help you tell the story well. Looking forward to more!

jadelilacjadelilacalmost 12 years ago
More Please

I love it ! Can't wait for part two.

If I were you I'd listen to Cia. She knows what she is talking about and is one of my favorite authors. It's your story and the new world you've created will keep us coming back for more, so be proud of it. You'll get better with time and experience. Everyone does. Keep it up!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
moreeee!!!

more please!!

arisamorakarisamorakalmost 12 years agoAuthor
sorry

you right cia i should have added factors about his blindness. thank you all for your comments and concerns. i will try to keep from mentioning things in the real life and i do need to get an editor. i will look into that. but otherwise thank you for enjoying my new world and please try to have patience with me. i am but a newbie. > ^ <

canndcanndalmost 12 years ago

I think Cia did a great job giving you ways to improve the story. She pointed out the big issues I would have noted here. I think you have an intriguing story here. I think you may be trying to put too much info in this chapter. I'd like to see you slow down and when you mention something, like their need for a Guardian, explain what their world is like. What do they need a guardian for? What are the threats to them other than his twin brother? What will his twin brother do?

Using a beta reader/editor is important (the best writers on this site, like Cia, depend on them too) b/c they will point out where you could clarify something to the reader. I think b/c the author has the story in their mind and knows their world and characters so well, it is easy to take something for granted and not realize the reader might need more.

Look to the authors like Cia who have done so well and put out the best stories. They can be a great help and are usually happy to give advice. Ignore the Anonymous and others who choose to say nasty things or insult. Look to the readers who like the story enough to take the time to comment and use it to make a better story. I think you have the beginning of a great story. Take the time to get an editor, sometimes people will even offer to help, and I'm sure many of us will be happy to see another chapter. Great start.

lonesomedove66lonesomedove66almost 12 years ago
I am going with the consensus here

Cia explained it perfectly. There is so much intrigue and potential with this story I can't wait to read more but I had to figure out that this is part fantasy/non human and why a boy/man so young has so much responsibility on his shoulders but I like where I think/hope you are going and can't wait to read more

secretsidessecretsidesalmost 12 years ago
Interesting

I really like this. I am in no place to give advise on story writing, I just know what interests me. This story is prime for so many twist, turns and surprises.

I sure hope you continue it. Please take Cia's tips to heart. She is one of my fave authors on here and off. She only wants great things and could be of tremendous help to you.

Keep it up, with your imagination this is going to get good!!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Having some de ja vu feelings...

No point in going over again what the others have said. You've obviously taken everyone's advice, including Cia's own sage advice, into account. I found myself having some de ja vu kind of feelings about some of the first chapter because I was seeing pieces of various animes that I enjoy. I could point these out but whether you meant for them to be similar or not is moot. I think mainly because of the similarities that I saw with a few of my favorite animes is what will keep me interested to see the continuation of this story. Good first chapter and here's to always improving :)

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
I disagree

There are "best writers" on this site and there are Best Writers. You could be in the latter.

Your style is very interesting and individual, don't fall into the trap of letting someone mentor you into their style. Become aware of the best elements of what you are doing, that is characters, ideas, plotlines, world creation, pacing and MYSTERY. While careful proofreading would improve readability, you don't actually need to explain everything to the reader. The reader has their own work to do and revealing bits at a time keeps all the interest on what's coming next, forming our own questions, like 'why hasn't he spoken before?' and wanting to read on to find out. For example, to stop at the stage in the story where we find out he has never spoken in order to explain why would have destroyed the suspense and point of the moment.

Also, we have no way of knowing at this stage wether this is a completely different world to ours or one that co-exists with our reality and therefore the Bambi reference was excellent.

There is one problem that no-one has mentioned so far and maybe you are going to suddenly skip ahead a couple of years but this is the gay male section on an erotic fiction site. At the risk of stating the obvious - your main male character is 16. Two years too young to get it on with another male character or even himself erotically on this site by law.

PS Sometimes your best advice will come from anonymous so don't discount the advice simply because of prejudice against anonymous identities.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Very Good Read

I really wish this chapter was longer.

You already have me addicted.

:)

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Hello. Help.

I read some of the other comments about AWAKENED GUARDIA, and I'm not sure what they were reading. What I read was a confusing jumble of incomplete sentences, poorly constructed and incomprehensible paragraphs, I can't believe the same person who wrote ENEMIES NO MORE, which I love, could have written this mess

MercyTigerMercyTigeralmost 12 years ago
Good

I liked your story and think you're a very good story writer. You have great, creative ideas and good characters but I think you still need to work on grammar and/or editing. Keep writing and maybe consider finding an editor.

nuckin1futsnixnuckin1futsnixabout 11 years ago
lord!!!

i actually shivered when Dragoste said'why did you stop little one?i loved it cant wait to read more

lonleylucaslonleylucasalmost 11 years ago
oh dear

i hope this stories ending is posted absolutely spectacular

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I have deleted Enemies No More because I didn't like the way it ended. I apologize to anyone who was actually reading my crappy story. I want to thank all of the commenters for their good and bad reviews. Any critiques help. Also I want to apologize for my absence, I am cur...

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