Siblings and Lovers Ch. 07

UGHHHHHHHHH

I have absolutelyloved this story up to this point. I don't think I like the direction now. Will wait to see but, hopefully, this will get resolved with the 3 of them deciding to be together.

Your narrative is all over the place...

I am not sure what you are trying to achieve with your story. Is this a novellla with erotic elements or is this a dark erotica? Unfortunately it does not work in either genre because your writing style and structure is all over the place and your characters are thinly sketched out with confusing motivations. You started this as a romance incest and then it turned into a disturbing story where the male protagonist, Kyle, is emotionally black-mailed into a sexual relationship with his sister because of his guilt from her attempted suicide when he initially rejected her. Later, it is never clear whether Kyle can overcome his ambivalence and desire his sister as a woman even as they settle into their sexual relationship. It seems his only motivation for embarking on physical relationships with women is because he feels sorry for them. You add in the realism of the 9/11 attacks which is perhaps maybe too much realism for this type of story unless you are trying to make an emotional point (which unfortunately falls flat). The real drama in the incest story is the taboo of the relationship. By writing about a real-life tragedy you draw focus away from the principal characters' internal turmoil, which in contrast, is nothing compared to the death of thousands of innocent lives. I understand that 9/11 affected you personally but storywise you have done yourself a disservice. And now the principal character, Dana, is becoming more unstable, (which I suppose was sign-posted from her lack of shame/regret at guilting her brother into sex at the beginning) and starting to plot her rival's demise. All this could have been interesting if your characters were more sympathetic and compelling rather than selfish or wish-washy. If you are planning a novella with a complex storyline with difficult plotpoints such as para-suicide, jealousy, war, and hospitalisation and want to make it a success you should plan the structure and pacing beforehand and think about what motivates your characters. Or if your story is developing organically you should go back and remove the fat when you have finished. I am sorry if you are offended but I am just being honest. Most stories I don't bother to comment but you have obviously worked hard and your writing style is good in some parts. They just don't hang together well.

I believe this is what we call jumping the shark.

The entire tone of your characters and their relationships has completely changed in this chapter. The previous six were spectacular, but this one .... I mean the CIA? Poison? Murder? Really?!

Why the change

Agree with the others. You've completely changed the tone. From nowhere, Dana is homicidal and Stella is suicidal. A happier resolution, or at least Stella finding out about Kyle and Dana, and breaking up with Kyle, would make more sense.

Whoa! This story just jumped shark. Big time! Not good. I think I'll end reading this story here.

ok well
first things move too fast
especially the first couple of chapters, the idea is here, but it's developed way too fast
-sister love brother but don't accept it, then she accepts it. This is too fast
the transition seems too fast, an event to make her change her mind would have been good, as well as some more background setting as to why she loves her brother (there is some but too little in my opinion)

-brother is emotionally blackmailed into sex by sister, sister loves brother but don't show any little bit of regret doing this ? is she just mentally unstable or what ?

-brother accepts the relationship a bit too fast too, you don't tell us much about his duality besides taking viagra the first time ...

-now, about that last chapter, I don't like it much however murder is plausible. Given that she's pregnant, her emotions are in even more turmoil than usual. so that's fine
however the CIA & perfect invisible poison ? it's like: how well let's just delete stella from the story. Doesn't make any sense at all either, if something like this existed the creators would probably have been killed/locked up/watched closely so they can't recreate the poison for another agency/person. It's also too quickly introduced (I'm no writer but maybe a phone call to one of her military contacts, then a reluctant contact giving out details to meet with the "Dr Shaw" perhaps)

Hope, you don't take this criticism as anything more than a mere reader opinion that hopes for more from you, the author...
have a nice day.

I agree with whisermill (guy below me)

You done fucked up this series, and you even removed the voting, what a coward

Conclusion

-I believe you owe your readers an ending to this story. You have dug yourself into a VERY deep hole; I think a lot of us want to see how you try to get out of it & whether or not you succeed.
-One editorial comment from someone who was on active duty on 9/11 and for some years after that: you don't know SQUAT about the military, or about PMCs for that matter.

Advice from a wrllwisher.

Hi LaRascasse,

First of all thank you for this series. I am a big fan of your stories and in free time used to read these stories.

But I am giving you an advice to complete this series. I am also a professional writer and knows that writing is a hard work to do. It needs full concentration but I also knows that a writer has a duty to complete his story as his readers and fans wants to read more written by you.

I am also suggesting you to please make this series climax a happy ending as people wants to read happy endings. They have more sad circumstances and things in life. We writers are here to tell stories and helps to live people in there fantasy world for some time and releive there stress. So please make sure that the climax will be a happy ending and Kyle will go back to Dana as she needs Kyle more and without any violence. So I am a wellwisher and only can give you suggestions.

Writers writes for their reader's happiness. I am giving you advices after looking at previous comments. So take my advice and complete this story happily without violence.

But apart from this your story is amazing. Truly spectacular. You are a master in writing. This is an inspiration as well as my comment on this series. I know that writers also needs inspiration.

So give some thought to my advices as there are people waiting for your submission out there.

Thank you.
Wellwisher.

I really like this story but i hope your not going to let it end like this

Not bad but Dana is annoying!

I really hope Kyle is still with Stella. Dana is ugh!! I means why she gotta be pregnant? She is so obsessed with him. It getting annoying!

I was really liking the story until Stella an Tom got romantically involved. He knowing goes to her house know the implications and after his little talk with Dana thinks that his sister is gonna be ok after tying to kill herself years prior... I may not be an expert when it comes to women but even I know that he flat out idiot. Another thing that bothered me about the series as a whole is he talks a lot about how they need him but doesn't mention much of how really feels about them. This is and addition to all the other points to that has been made.

I personalty think this chapter should have been scrapped and rewrote. Maybe somehow the two women could find out a way to share him but in either case this chapter just didn't feel right.

Well, get on with it.

At the beginning of Chapter 7, you say there is one more chapter to go. Where is it? Ch 7 was posted in May 2012, It is now July 2015. Three plus years?

I have to say that I'm not really excited about this story, but I would like to see it completed.

What does this chapter

have to do with how the story began?

perhaps too ambitious and a step too far?

Not you too

Didn't think you would be one of those writers who likes leaving the stories they started, in between. Or are too busy to post the closing part of the story even if it is already written?
Or is it because you can't figure out how to finish this story in one chapter, which at max. is usually two pages long only?

Not another one

This started off good but slowly got worse and then Stella involved after what these 2 have been thru I just couldn't read any more after that. That was more sick than incest itself.

more please

will there be more of this story? its been along time.....