This is a great start. You are so right. Those stupid ignorant Rebipans will destroy everything good and right if left to their own delusions. BTW, you switched tenses for about two paragraphs. Kind of hoping that'll be fixed in next chapters.
I noticed you have up to 12 chapters on this story, so I guess I'm a bit late. I realy enjoyed the story and at first thought it would be a turn off being it semi-scifi but that did not take away from the experience at all. I like the change in tenses because you are able to see both sides to the story, the Repiban and the Demagons point of view. I can't wait to read the rest of you stories :)
I abserlutely love it already, i aspecially like the SIFI story line.... and just everything about it so far... im defferenlt looking forward to continueing :)
x
by
Anonymous07/27/12
Good, but clean up the use of both past and present tense
It really throws me off when going from past tense to present tense, and you even go back to past tense again. Choose, and stick with it. Are you writing about something that happened in the past, the most used way of writing, or are you writing about something that is happening right now?
This is where it changes the first time:
"The expression on his face didn't turn to disgust or distaste like Curtis. Instead his presence quiets and he focuses on her" From "didn't" (past tense) to "quiets and focuses" in present.
English
Good start
Good start to a story. I hope there will be more.
Looking forward to more
This is a great start. You are so right. Those stupid ignorant Rebipans will destroy everything good and right if left to their own delusions. BTW, you switched tenses for about two paragraphs. Kind of hoping that'll be fixed in next chapters.
Back
Glad to see you are back. I enjoy your stories.
Hooked
Omg this is amazing. I hope you continue, as im hooked :)
Looks like another great story in the making!
Always pleased to see your stories :)
Great story
It's so good to see you back. You have such an evil mind. I love all your stories except the gay male ones.
Interesting Story
I noticed you have up to 12 chapters on this story, so I guess I'm a bit late. I realy enjoyed the story and at first thought it would be a turn off being it semi-scifi but that did not take away from the experience at all. I like the change in tenses because you are able to see both sides to the story, the Repiban and the Demagons point of view. I can't wait to read the rest of you stories :)
Great Story
I had read a couple of parts earlier, but I can tell from this that I'll enjoy reading the whole series. Magnifico!
It's a nice story, but I hate third person :( I'm still gonna read the entire series lol
Loving it so far
I abserlutely love it already, i aspecially like the SIFI story line.... and just everything about it so far... im defferenlt looking forward to continueing :)
x
Good, but clean up the use of both past and present tense
It really throws me off when going from past tense to present tense, and you even go back to past tense again. Choose, and stick with it. Are you writing about something that happened in the past, the most used way of writing, or are you writing about something that is happening right now?
This is where it changes the first time:
"The expression on his face didn't turn to disgust or distaste like Curtis. Instead his presence quiets and he focuses on her" From "didn't" (past tense) to "quiets and focuses" in present.
So far so good
I do agree that the change from past to present tense is difficult to read. I like the idea and the characters so far.
are there really...
Perfect men out there?
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