i stopped part way down the page way to violent keep it loving and romantic or don't bother to post it this is a waste of time. reading what little i did was as bad as reading the news paper.
between 2 people who did not know the morals of society. I can see how it might happen in a time long ago....
Well written, the other commenter who hated the violence should have continued.
by
Anonymous05/09/12
TERRIBLE
Poorly written. Too much focus on the violence. I kind of skimmed through until I got to a bit of cheesy "innocence" I love incest stories but this was monstrously bad.
Nice try, but too much useless detail of war and fighting.
by
Anonymous05/09/12
Not as bad as some think.
It was a story of despair and love, of sadness and joy. What more could a story want, a tender love between two people who would do whatever it took to save the other.
Too much needless violence, made it too hard to have much sympathy for the kids. The love of each for the other towards the end seemed to be as an apology for all the killing in the first parts of the story. Try rewriting the story with the focus being the kids love for each other and his wanting to take care of his sister. Show real reason for them to leave their home to go to the capital. Use much more development but keep it focused on the love between them: protect her of course but try to keep them away from situations that leave him only one path, killing! All these suggestions of course are based on the thought that you actually want to write a loving incest story and not one that uses incest love to justify killing people.
I don't see any inherent problem with the violence...but it didn't seem to serve any real purpose, because we don't see how or if the characters even care about it. He kills her attackers, helps a random man (why does he do that, anyway, if they have an attitude of 'us against the world?'), gets arrested, kills a couple policemen...and then the next thing we know it's months, years later on a whole other continent.
If I were writing this, I would put the focus on a particular moment. Go way back to the first killing. She feels sick, seeing the body, knowing that her brother killed someone. Horrified - but she also knows he did it to protect her, to prevent something terrible from happening to her. Almost frightened of him, even as she feels indebted. Perhaps she's uncertain of exactly what the men wanted to do, while her brother is older, more aware - she asks him, while the two huddle together against the cold nights of (wherever on earth they're supposed to be)...and events unfold from there.
First of all, you began in some country that was warring with another country. It was kind of like a sword and sorcery story. Suddenly, the kids hop on a train! When breaking out of prison, he takes muzzle loading weapons, powder and shot. Then the ship docks in New Orleans? A bit later they had come from a farm in New York and are headed for Colorado!
This is a tender and touching story of innocence between siblings who only have each other in the world. It is told with sensitivity and taste, and it seems apparent you have made an attempt at realism in the telling. However, I have to wonder about your choice of wording in much of it. Were you trying to sound more "literary" (for lack of a better term)? If so, don't. Just use plain and simple language. This would actually be more fitting for this story as it also describes the couple and their world. Don't try to use fanciful wording to sound more like a serious author. Just sound like yourself and tell your story. You have some potential, but just skip the pretentiousness and use your own words. Also, get an editor. There are some grammatical and technical errors that could quickly be corrected with just a little extra effort. (For example "its" as a possessive pronoun has no apostrophe, a very common mistake.) It might be nice to find out what happens along the way and once they get to Colorado, as long as it doesn't lose its innocent flavor.
English
NO GOOD
i stopped part way down the page way to violent keep it loving and romantic or don't bother to post it this is a waste of time. reading what little i did was as bad as reading the news paper.
A story about love and trust
between 2 people who did not know the morals of society. I can see how it might happen in a time long ago....
Well written, the other commenter who hated the violence should have continued.
TERRIBLE
Poorly written. Too much focus on the violence. I kind of skimmed through until I got to a bit of cheesy "innocence" I love incest stories but this was monstrously bad.
Nice try
Nice try, but too much useless detail of war and fighting.
Not as bad as some think.
It was a story of despair and love, of sadness and joy. What more could a story want, a tender love between two people who would do whatever it took to save the other.
Pretty much as bad as some people think...
Too much needless violence, made it too hard to have much sympathy for the kids. The love of each for the other towards the end seemed to be as an apology for all the killing in the first parts of the story. Try rewriting the story with the focus being the kids love for each other and his wanting to take care of his sister. Show real reason for them to leave their home to go to the capital. Use much more development but keep it focused on the love between them: protect her of course but try to keep them away from situations that leave him only one path, killing! All these suggestions of course are based on the thought that you actually want to write a loving incest story and not one that uses incest love to justify killing people.
I don't see any inherent problem with the violence...but it didn't seem to serve any real purpose, because we don't see how or if the characters even care about it. He kills her attackers, helps a random man (why does he do that, anyway, if they have an attitude of 'us against the world?'), gets arrested, kills a couple policemen...and then the next thing we know it's months, years later on a whole other continent.
If I were writing this, I would put the focus on a particular moment. Go way back to the first killing. She feels sick, seeing the body, knowing that her brother killed someone. Horrified - but she also knows he did it to protect her, to prevent something terrible from happening to her. Almost frightened of him, even as she feels indebted. Perhaps she's uncertain of exactly what the men wanted to do, while her brother is older, more aware - she asks him, while the two huddle together against the cold nights of (wherever on earth they're supposed to be)...and events unfold from there.
Well...
First of all, you began in some country that was warring with another country. It was kind of like a sword and sorcery story. Suddenly, the kids hop on a train! When breaking out of prison, he takes muzzle loading weapons, powder and shot. Then the ship docks in New Orleans? A bit later they had come from a farm in New York and are headed for Colorado!
Get it together for crying out loud!
A touching story of innocence
This is a tender and touching story of innocence between siblings who only have each other in the world. It is told with sensitivity and taste, and it seems apparent you have made an attempt at realism in the telling. However, I have to wonder about your choice of wording in much of it. Were you trying to sound more "literary" (for lack of a better term)? If so, don't. Just use plain and simple language. This would actually be more fitting for this story as it also describes the couple and their world. Don't try to use fanciful wording to sound more like a serious author. Just sound like yourself and tell your story. You have some potential, but just skip the pretentiousness and use your own words. Also, get an editor. There are some grammatical and technical errors that could quickly be corrected with just a little extra effort. (For example "its" as a possessive pronoun has no apostrophe, a very common mistake.) It might be nice to find out what happens along the way and once they get to Colorado, as long as it doesn't lose its innocent flavor.
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