I don't think I've read a more original story. Incredible premise. I can't even imagine something like this. The nonchalance of the cheating wives was priceless. I'll say it again. You Da Man.
The only thing I found wrong was that it needed editing. There was no dialogue markers, yet there was dialogue. There were a lot of grammatical errors.
Based on your other stories, I know you're familiar with punctuation. This is hard to read. I'm guessing at who is saying what?
Sorry, I usually give you 4 or 5*'s, but the best I can come up with is a 3 for this.
You must be joking, perhaps you mean Switzerland? Anyway people who want to hide money bank in Swiss banks but it is difficult to gain residency, so people don't live there. People don't bank in Sweden, but it might be easier to settle there. Warning! The tax rate in both countries can go over 50% for millionaires.
Good read, really like the righteous indignation and the torched earth. This story met the burger and frys rating (3-4) but it had the potential for prime steak. Still a good read thanks for sharing
Please retract this story and run it passed an rditor
Good story, but the miss words, change of thought in the middle of a sentence, the miss spelling are killing it.
As it stands it is only a 2* but if you edit it it could go 5*.
Although this story again brings up the point of "What about the poor bastard working two jobs and driving a Mustang II"? The stories are always about the rich having problems how about the other guys?
But it wasn't. The idea is quite good if a little outlandish. But there are so many gaps and so many unanswered questions. I guess the biggest is "What did Rick have that was so great? Its also missing your normal revenge plot, which while reviled by some, I quite like. Go back and finish this one, do some character and plot development,, it could be very good. Oh, and let Jacobs kick have hit the kidneys and then leave for Sweden.
The overall idea is a good one, but this reads more like a first draft where you just get all your thoughts down first. Sorry to be critical, but this should have been set aside for a few days for a re-read before publishing. This needs a LOT of editing, and not just for grammar and punctuation.
Learn to read and write English before you write anything else. Whatever semblance of a story there might have been was impossible to decipher in between the constant grammar, spelling and composition errors. Possibly the worst written story I've ever read on this site. A first grader could write better then this!
I am a fan of your stories and this one has great potential, but it's choppy. The transitions from one idea to another need to have a smoother flow. I think an good editor would've made this a much better story
A really crudely written story. Do get an editor, or at least someone else to read it over. An example of an egregious gaff: "Why would I want a whore that fuck my a bastard like back?"
So the story. Not bad in concept, sort of over the top, but then, so are a lot of them because something big has to drive the story.
Wonder if the old order Mormons would have a problem with the family practices, maybe the secrecy. Hard to imagine so many people holding such secretes. Also hard to imagine them as millionaires.
liked storyline but hard to read due to no editing?
WOW! I really liked the story. Believable in this time and age. But REALLY hard to read due to so many errors. Really needed to be proof read and edited.
No issues with story it is a good storyline! Agree with another commenter could used to be pulled and edited.
OR maybe you already did and posted an early version prior to editing - I hope that is the case - since you have posted other good stories.
Please do post again - with editing next time
Thanks
I think this was a good little story that could have been a bit longer. I don't think enough was said about the reason for the adultry. Over a good story.
great, awesome story but requires a lot of proper quotation marks. the he said/she said wasnt clearly outlined in the story. i couldnt give a 5 for this reason but i did give a 4. very good work, try to edit better next time and thanks for sharing.
Story was interesting (the story origines from a Class introduction, which is the couse of the short tale), I agree an editor could elevate it for better.
I liked it. However, as others have mentioned a bit of editing would help make it easier to read. The whole Rick attraction and reasons for it needed to be addressed as well. This would have helped make the story better. I am usually a torch the bitch kind of guy and I like your attitude so it gets a 5. Cheers!
I make a mistake with a quotation mark and they bounce it untill I get it right. How could they read this and publish it? Was it perhaps written in a language other than English and run through a translater program?
When I taught fourth grade I had students that could write better than this. Please learn how to do dialogue. Start a new paragraph for each speaker, and use the quote marks for the words spoken.
I couldn't follow what was going on. I gave up on reading.
Let's see if I got this right. All your children are actually your brothers and sisters? Your 'father' and his siblings are your brothers and sisters? Your 'kids' and their 'cousins' are in fact brothers and sisters and they're all brothers and sisters of their 'fathers' or 'mothers' and all of them are brothers and sisters to you and your 'daddy'?
And then you all go to Sweden and become millionaires and marry supermodels?
I didn't realize there were so many elem school teachers here
I have already submitted the edited copy, I submitted the one by mistake. I never realized that I was be graded for my grammar, maybe next time I'll have to bang erasers after class. WOW and some of you call me an asshole.
There were a lot of holes in the story, and you need an editor.
I was waiting for Jean to get the line "I can't marry my sister's mother, that's incest!" The weird thing is Rick's hold on these women was never explained. He fucked his son's wife and had a son, and then the wife of that boy, and had three children. My first thought was that Rick was a sperm donor, because Jacob was sterile. That was not true, because Jacob later had two children with Amber.
I don't think the women understood there was nothing to keep Jacob and Justin from bolting, once they knew the truth. It seems insane that they would even think they could get their husbands back, after what they had done. This seems like a big hole in the logic of the story.
The other hole in the story was that Jacob seemed to have everything ready ahead of time, and was waiting to bolt. The only thing that I can figure out is that he already knew, and was only planning to bolt if the family secret ever came out. This again, needed to be explained.
What also bothered me was that Paul was not told, but just the sisters. Was Paul being set up to be the third in line?
I had to come up with a different way of saying, "very shitty." As in the writing, which could have been improved by passing it through a retarded orangutan.
I have to think this was just to tweak those of us who care about writing. No one writes this badly. At least, I hope not.
Even an editor couldn't help this convoluted crap.
Please don't quibble about grammarians! Yes, there are commenters who like too (sic) play 'Gotcha!' How are they to know you filed a draft? A draft that is HIGHLY incomprehensible in parts - many parts! Does the main point of the story come through? Yes, at least for those willing to work hard at reading this (what we now know is a) draft.
In the rush to 'scorch the earth' the author neglects to introduce us to Jean, so we can see the good mother, but also the flaw that entices her to boff someone old enough to be her Hubby's Gramps (because he kinda IS!) We don't know if it is a Gynormous prong, shit that don't smell (bad) - (nope, that's Sweety!), or billions of bucks ...aha, gold-digger - but we don't really even meet the fucker (oops) until the punch (in the gut) line! He also neglects to establish that Big Brother/Dad/Mommy's Hubby makes enough to squirrel away 10 mil or so (taking PBJs for lunch in your Dora the Explora lunchbox really pays off, thanks Mr. Trump!) Don't think a grammar/spell-checker will fix that kind of whole (sic)!
So there is an edited copy which was not submitted by mistake. One assumes that that copy was more readable or filled with fewer errors.
So, one could say "Opps. Guys, I put in the wrong one. My bad." After all, no one's perfect.
"I didn't realize there were so many elem school teachers here
I have already submitted the edited copy, I submitted the one by mistake. I never realized that I was be graded for my grammar, maybe next time I'll have to bang erasers after class. WOW and some of you call me an asshole."
Perhaps your reply is a little rude. Whatever. Nor did i have an issue with the grammar.
Sometimes the words are a voice and this is the voice of Huedogg. I love raw and ardent and thats the sound i heard. It hurts to lose a Jean. Every hyperbolic strand of the plot emphasized the analogy of real agony. Grandpops is an evil god. For Sweden read basement. Happy ever after well thats easy the deepest pits of despair. At a guess i say Huedogg lost someone he would have given his life for but she never needed that from him. Well if you aint been smashed to fucking pieces once or twice in your life you missing an emotion or two. Maybe i read it wrong but the more absurd-and the author knows where hes going-the story went on the more i liked and at the end when he was gentle with Jean i nearly fucking cried. 5 stars.
You published a story.
Others who make nasty comments to other authors don't have the guts to try.
Remember these comments when you are reading and commenting on other authors work down the line.
It doesn't matter what type of stories you write, just do them as well as you can.
Then at least you can tell your critics to go to hell. Just ask MM or JPB.
But when you submit a story that is poorly thought out and executed, you just need to take your lumps.
Not too bad of a story line but...you need better use of grammatical marks. It is a pain in the butt to have to type them and slows down the thinking/writing process but these marks are clues to how you want the sentences to be read AND who is saying what to whom.
ex.
What do you mean?
What? Do you mean?
What do you, Mean?
same words in all three sentences but each has a different meaning just from punctuation. Help your readers. That is really who you write for, isn't it?
I loved it! Cheating whores get exactly what they deserve .... The grammar is shotty but I still enjoyed reading it... Right more like this.... I just wish the story was a bit longer
That's not saying I didn't enjoy reading the story, because I did, but I think if the story were to be cleaned up a bit with an edit, it would be easier to read.
Interesting story, but you should have included a reason for why Rick had this seemingly magnetic influence over (married) women and no scruples in destroying his son and "grandson" 's lives.
You definitely need an editor to help with the writing and sentence structure this time -
This story also had an almost too simple story line to it - the my father's brother aspect is a fascinating idea and the truth made for a very good story to tell for all involved but without the editing it got so distracting that I got impatient in spots and I generally do not let something like that interfere with my reading - I just found I had to "fix" so much while reading for it to make sense it should have had more work first.
what a great story. the bitches got wacked money wise. he got what he deserved by way of a faithful wife. they sons got all the money and did not have to forgive the old man and in fact laughed as he died. you get a 5.
English
WOW
I don't think I've read a more original story. Incredible premise. I can't even imagine something like this. The nonchalance of the cheating wives was priceless. I'll say it again. You Da Man.
need some brefing and a editor
it like read just the plot of the story
What can I say?
A bizarre sequence of events indeed. Please use an editor.
WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED
the after math and legality of it all. TK U MLJ LV NV
Well spun story!!
Your still one of the few writers that leave the men with their junk still attached at the end of the story. THANK YOU!
Good Story - Needs Editing
I liked the story.
The only thing I found wrong was that it needed editing. There was no dialogue markers, yet there was dialogue. There were a lot of grammatical errors.
What the hell happened....
Based on your other stories, I know you're familiar with punctuation. This is hard to read. I'm guessing at who is saying what?
Sorry, I usually give you 4 or 5*'s, but the best I can come up with is a 3 for this.
Sweden?
You must be joking, perhaps you mean Switzerland? Anyway people who want to hide money bank in Swiss banks but it is difficult to gain residency, so people don't live there. People don't bank in Sweden, but it might be easier to settle there. Warning! The tax rate in both countries can go over 50% for millionaires.
Good Story
Good read, really like the righteous indignation and the torched earth. This story met the burger and frys rating (3-4) but it had the potential for prime steak. Still a good read thanks for sharing
Please retract this story and run it passed an rditor
Good story, but the miss words, change of thought in the middle of a sentence, the miss spelling are killing it.
As it stands it is only a 2* but if you edit it it could go 5*.
Although this story again brings up the point of "What about the poor bastard working two jobs and driving a Mustang II"? The stories are always about the rich having problems how about the other guys?
Interesting Premise, But Really More Of An Outline
No character development, just an idea with some paragraphs wrapped around it. Intriguing story though.
This could have been great...
But it wasn't. The idea is quite good if a little outlandish. But there are so many gaps and so many unanswered questions. I guess the biggest is "What did Rick have that was so great? Its also missing your normal revenge plot, which while reviled by some, I quite like. Go back and finish this one, do some character and plot development,, it could be very good. Oh, and let Jacobs kick have hit the kidneys and then leave for Sweden.
Difficult to read
The overall idea is a good one, but this reads more like a first draft where you just get all your thoughts down first. Sorry to be critical, but this should have been set aside for a few days for a re-read before publishing. This needs a LOT of editing, and not just for grammar and punctuation.
Ummm please...
Learn to read and write English before you write anything else. Whatever semblance of a story there might have been was impossible to decipher in between the constant grammar, spelling and composition errors. Possibly the worst written story I've ever read on this site. A first grader could write better then this!
Pull it, do an edit, and then post it again
I agree with the other comments. This is unreadable. The story has it's own problems, but please work with an editor before you submit anything.
I understand the TTBness of it.
But I'm confused, did your wife cheat on you with quotation marks and other grammatical tools, and you've sworn to never use them again?
Snark aside, awesome story. Going to give it probably a 3, but if you pull the story and rework it(grammar et al.), it will totally be a 4-5.
it needs an editor
I am a fan of your stories and this one has great potential, but it's choppy. The transitions from one idea to another need to have a smoother flow. I think an good editor would've made this a much better story
Nice story idea
Horribly executed. Proof read!!!
Normally I don't carp about proof reading, but
A really crudely written story. Do get an editor, or at least someone else to read it over. An example of an egregious gaff: "Why would I want a whore that fuck my a bastard like back?"
So the story. Not bad in concept, sort of over the top, but then, so are a lot of them because something big has to drive the story.
Wonder if the old order Mormons would have a problem with the family practices, maybe the secrecy. Hard to imagine so many people holding such secretes. Also hard to imagine them as millionaires.
liked storyline but hard to read due to no editing?
WOW! I really liked the story. Believable in this time and age. But REALLY hard to read due to so many errors. Really needed to be proof read and edited.
No issues with story it is a good storyline! Agree with another commenter could used to be pulled and edited.
OR maybe you already did and posted an early version prior to editing - I hope that is the case - since you have posted other good stories.
Please do post again - with editing next time
Thanks
Good little story
I think this was a good little story that could have been a bit longer. I don't think enough was said about the reason for the adultry. Over a good story.
totally agree with previous comments!
great, awesome story but requires a lot of proper quotation marks. the he said/she said wasnt clearly outlined in the story. i couldnt give a 5 for this reason but i did give a 4. very good work, try to edit better next time and thanks for sharing.
Story was interesting (the story origines from a Class introduction, which is the couse of the short tale), I agree an editor could elevate it for better.
Unreadable
Unintelligible. Sorry, unable to get through it. Not clearly written.
Good story had it been edited
Gotta love the storyline.. sounds like something that could actually happen. Only needed editing to help with readabilty
Nice story
I liked it. However, as others have mentioned a bit of editing would help make it easier to read. The whole Rick attraction and reasons for it needed to be addressed as well. This would have helped make the story better. I am usually a torch the bitch kind of guy and I like your attitude so it gets a 5. Cheers!
Where were literoticas editors
I make a mistake with a quotation mark and they bounce it untill I get it right. How could they read this and publish it? Was it perhaps written in a language other than English and run through a translater program?
In the beginning...
In the beginning, it was an interesting concept. In the end, it was the most poorly written piece of crap I've ever read!
How can anyone read this?
When I taught fourth grade I had students that could write better than this. Please learn how to do dialogue. Start a new paragraph for each speaker, and use the quote marks for the words spoken.
I couldn't follow what was going on. I gave up on reading.
Wow. Brilliantly realistic.
Let's see if I got this right. All your children are actually your brothers and sisters? Your 'father' and his siblings are your brothers and sisters? Your 'kids' and their 'cousins' are in fact brothers and sisters and they're all brothers and sisters of their 'fathers' or 'mothers' and all of them are brothers and sisters to you and your 'daddy'?
And then you all go to Sweden and become millionaires and marry supermodels?
Thanks for writing.
I didn't realize there were so many elem school teachers here
I have already submitted the edited copy, I submitted the one by mistake. I never realized that I was be graded for my grammar, maybe next time I'll have to bang erasers after class. WOW and some of you call me an asshole.
There are a lot of siblings.
There were a lot of holes in the story, and you need an editor.
I was waiting for Jean to get the line "I can't marry my sister's mother, that's incest!" The weird thing is Rick's hold on these women was never explained. He fucked his son's wife and had a son, and then the wife of that boy, and had three children. My first thought was that Rick was a sperm donor, because Jacob was sterile. That was not true, because Jacob later had two children with Amber.
I don't think the women understood there was nothing to keep Jacob and Justin from bolting, once they knew the truth. It seems insane that they would even think they could get their husbands back, after what they had done. This seems like a big hole in the logic of the story.
The other hole in the story was that Jacob seemed to have everything ready ahead of time, and was waiting to bolt. The only thing that I can figure out is that he already knew, and was only planning to bolt if the family secret ever came out. This again, needed to be explained.
What also bothered me was that Paul was not told, but just the sisters. Was Paul being set up to be the third in line?
ANyway, a difficult, but interesting read.
No need to bang erasers
Just bang all the school teachers
Très shitté
I had to come up with a different way of saying, "very shitty." As in the writing, which could have been improved by passing it through a retarded orangutan.
I have to think this was just to tweak those of us who care about writing. No one writes this badly. At least, I hope not.
Even an editor couldn't help this convoluted crap.
@ Huedogg2
Please don't quibble about grammarians! Yes, there are commenters who like too (sic) play 'Gotcha!' How are they to know you filed a draft? A draft that is HIGHLY incomprehensible in parts - many parts! Does the main point of the story come through? Yes, at least for those willing to work hard at reading this (what we now know is a) draft.
In the rush to 'scorch the earth' the author neglects to introduce us to Jean, so we can see the good mother, but also the flaw that entices her to boff someone old enough to be her Hubby's Gramps (because he kinda IS!) We don't know if it is a Gynormous prong, shit that don't smell (bad) - (nope, that's Sweety!), or billions of bucks ...aha, gold-digger - but we don't really even meet the fucker (oops) until the punch (in the gut) line! He also neglects to establish that Big Brother/Dad/Mommy's Hubby makes enough to squirrel away 10 mil or so (taking PBJs for lunch in your Dora the Explora lunchbox really pays off, thanks Mr. Trump!) Don't think a grammar/spell-checker will fix that kind of whole (sic)!
Hmm
So there is an edited copy which was not submitted by mistake. One assumes that that copy was more readable or filled with fewer errors.
So, one could say "Opps. Guys, I put in the wrong one. My bad." After all, no one's perfect.
"I didn't realize there were so many elem school teachers here
I have already submitted the edited copy, I submitted the one by mistake. I never realized that I was be graded for my grammar, maybe next time I'll have to bang erasers after class. WOW and some of you call me an asshole."
Or...you could do it that way.
Perhaps your reply is a little rude. Whatever. Nor did i have an issue with the grammar.
Sometimes the words are a voice and this is the voice of Huedogg. I love raw and ardent and thats the sound i heard. It hurts to lose a Jean. Every hyperbolic strand of the plot emphasized the analogy of real agony. Grandpops is an evil god. For Sweden read basement. Happy ever after well thats easy the deepest pits of despair. At a guess i say Huedogg lost someone he would have given his life for but she never needed that from him. Well if you aint been smashed to fucking pieces once or twice in your life you missing an emotion or two. Maybe i read it wrong but the more absurd-and the author knows where hes going-the story went on the more i liked and at the end when he was gentle with Jean i nearly fucking cried. 5 stars.
Wow...
I like the story but I have a serious complaint about the editing and grammar. Seriously...edit your story next time.
I have to give you some credit.
You published a story.
Others who make nasty comments to other authors don't have the guts to try.
Remember these comments when you are reading and commenting on other authors work down the line.
It doesn't matter what type of stories you write, just do them as well as you can.
Then at least you can tell your critics to go to hell. Just ask MM or JPB.
But when you submit a story that is poorly thought out and executed, you just need to take your lumps.
punctuation
Not too bad of a story line but...you need better use of grammatical marks. It is a pain in the butt to have to type them and slows down the thinking/writing process but these marks are clues to how you want the sentences to be read AND who is saying what to whom.
ex.
What do you mean?
What? Do you mean?
What do you, Mean?
same words in all three sentences but each has a different meaning just from punctuation. Help your readers. That is really who you write for, isn't it?
Loved it : )
I loved it! Cheating whores get exactly what they deserve .... The grammar is shotty but I still enjoyed reading it... Right more like this.... I just wish the story was a bit longer
I understand what you are trying to say
but at times it was difficult and I had to guess.
The premise behind the story is good, the presentation needs some work.
Really and engaging story about the other side of the cuckold coin.
Yeah the punctuation wasn't great, but the story was. Anytime you want to crank out another one like this, I'll enjoy it in whatever format.
Yuk.
Nothing in this story made it worth the time it took to read it.
A good concept of a revenge story
But I found the story a bit hard to follow.
That's not saying I didn't enjoy reading the story, because I did, but I think if the story were to be cleaned up a bit with an edit, it would be easier to read.
Thanks for the read
Interesting
Interesting story, but you should have included a reason for why Rick had this seemingly magnetic influence over (married) women and no scruples in destroying his son and "grandson" 's lives.
Very simplsitic story line this time -
You definitely need an editor to help with the writing and sentence structure this time -
This story also had an almost too simple story line to it - the my father's brother aspect is a fascinating idea and the truth made for a very good story to tell for all involved but without the editing it got so distracting that I got impatient in spots and I generally do not let something like that interfere with my reading - I just found I had to "fix" so much while reading for it to make sense it should have had more work first.
wow
what a great story. the bitches got wacked money wise. he got what he deserved by way of a faithful wife. they sons got all the money and did not have to forgive the old man and in fact laughed as he died. you get a 5.
My man, Huedogg2!
No willing cuckolds for you (or for me). I am reading your stories right down the line and they just keep getting better. Thank you for writing.
Reminds me of Parking Wars
You claim anyone who cares about grammar and punctuation is a Nazi. Very assholian of you.
"You cannot park here," says the official.
"It only say I cain't STAN here, beyotch!"
Your writing FUCKING SUCKS. You u"se pun"ctuation mark"s as if t"they were opt. Ional.
Quit fucking bitching about the Grammar Nazis and learn to WRITE!!!!!!!!
Are you so goddamned stupid you can't get that point?
Oh, and BTW: your earlier stories were almost good. Did you suffer a stroke?
You are easily the most intractably shitty writer here. Means you WILL NOT ADMIT IT AND SEEK HELP!!!!!!!!!!
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