I was part way finished when I saw your name, pretty good one honey.
But your grammar really needs some work. Punctuation is off, sentence structure was skewed often times, and the general conversation just kind of turned me off about 1/3 the way through. You have potential with your writing and your story lines. Your biggest problem is getting the writing so that the story just flows along.
Try submitting your work to some of the proof readers listed. And if you don't have it, enlist the assistance of spell check and grammar check in MS Office or some other word processing program.
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