All Comments on 'My Boner Turns Me Invisible Ch. 01'

by JeffreyFreemont

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  • 15 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
interesting premise

i have been reading your stuff on another site for a few days now nice to see you on a better site

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Please keep writing more.

Loved this story, I hope it continues

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Hopefully it is not every boner...

Consensual will be difficult without being visible. It would take a very special girl to go along with an invisible screw every time.

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 12 years ago
GEEK

please ..no one gives a shit your are a loser

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
great

looking forward to seeing this develop

arincharinchalmost 12 years ago
18 years old

...and second year in high school. OK geek NOT, MORON most probably.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Ridiculous

but wacky and fun.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
@arinch You are the moron

You know that everyone in the story have to be 18 to be posted on literotica. The characters in the story are fiction, but you are really trying to look stupid.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Horrible writing

He "starred" at her? Hear instead of here? Is it present or past tense? Have you heard that run-on sentences are to be avoided?

Too many mistakes, too stupid.

PancakemixPancakemixalmost 12 years ago
This was almost pretty good

Then it went pretty bad. I must give you credit for the best title for a story on this site I have ever seen, apart from your sequel series of course

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 12 years ago
Too wacky to be fun

3/5 b/c while the spelling and grammar are so bad it hurts the enjoyment and the characters are so flat I can barely care. The premise is really really good.

I hope you got an editor for the rest of the series because you need proofreading. The typographical errors, the grammatical ones, they really pull you out of the story. Things like using "affective" instead of "effective" are genuinely confusing to those of us who actually know the difference. Honestly even if you don't know the difference I'd bet it just looks wrong.

The story has an interesting premise but the characters seem empty. More empty than the average story. Melody for instance seems to be a rebel but gave in too easily without trying to fight back or even get revenge when free. Cassandra who by all indication should be quite enraged at Melody does nothing Melody wouldn't like. She didn't force Melody to eat her out, or tie her up, or any of the creative sexual punishments that are common even outside the BDSM stuff. Going down on here to punish her doesn't really work with the motivations listed. I just have to assume that they're secret lovers the whole time and the ball hitting thing was a farce so they could have a reason to get together (As seen in /The Gangs of Camden County/).

Protagonist's discovery didn't really evolve. I'm not saying I need a full origin story but it would have helped to get a paragraph showing him learning how it worked (at least a little bit) rather than the most successful raid ever on the first attempt. He should have tried it out once or twice and then formulated a plan. Instead he just goes from discovery to execution without any training/development.

You criticized someone else for not being helpful with their comment. I hope this clarified some of the issues people are having with your story.

- RW

P.S. I hope Melody turns into a partner in crime. Selecting and setting up the girls for him to take his vengeance upon.

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
Meh

Honestly, it was bad in the first two paragraphs. Immediately describing his penis length and having him whine about sex just seems like you're trying to smack us over the head with the sex stuff. Be more subtle. "RW" described faults really well. Awesome title and premise (which is why I read it in the first place) but poor writing.

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
Learn Words

Effective not Affective. Learn grammar before you write things.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 8 years ago
Details

Why is an 18-yearold a sophomore?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 3 years ago
Funny story

The sex was ridiculous but the premise and writing were funny, especially the self-deprecating description at the beginning.

Anonymous
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