Ian's Trap

Oh WOW!!

I was quickly drawn in by the intro, loved how the story got straight to the juicy drama, and hated that you didn't continue!!! YOU MUST CONTINUE!!! I FREAKIN LURVE IT
-Blk Chi-town native

Goodd!

Woww, That was awesome. I would love for you to continue the storyy.... and fast!!! Lol. LOVE THE STORYLINE! Great Job!!

More please

Wow. What a nicely developed set up. The elder Mr. Rodgers is an evil man, despite his "compassion" for Olivia. To force this on his children and her wasn't about responsibility, it's about control. HIS control. Still, it makes for a fascinating premise, ripe with tension and conflict. 5 stars.

Really good

The story could be a very interesting. I look forward to the next chapter. I did see some grammatical errors, but nothing too bad. Very good first effort!

Now that was a twist I didn't see coming

Please continue...editing will make this flow better...not bad and dying to see where you are going to take this...

Helllllooooo!!!

kinda crazy of mr rodgers... But i'm loving his cukoo brain.. Bring it on

*****

Excellent first effort.

Five.

Well, the plot you've concocted

is surely an original one...and an interesting one: Huge amounts of money, deep friendships, loveless marriage. Sex? I guess we'll have to wait to find out. You have captured this reader's interest! I will certainly be on the lookout for the next installment. (One extra thought, though. There are way too many grammatical and word choice errors. The errors hurt the story because they give lie to the narrator's claim for an education at an elite high school. The errors also interfere with a smooth read. They would be so easy to repair. Why not submit your story to an editor?)

it's start off perfectly for a drama filled story! haha, please update soon.

Very interesting!

I' am going to keep checking for updates of this story, it is unique and definately stands out right off that bat. Can't wait to see where this goes and progresses throughout the chapters

Ooo

Your right this is all so absurd, yet intriguing. So she's being punished and essentially blackmailed into arranged marriage because of an accident? Strange... Well guess I'll have to see where you take this..

This is a great start

I'm definitely interested in reading more!

Good start

As I said, good start. Interesting story line and good character development. There are a few spelling and mis-use errors as well as grammatical errors. Find and work with an editor/proof reader get the few mistakes cleaned up and this will move from ok to good or even very good.

wow

Great start. I am soooo excited to read more from you,and this amazing tale.

OMG !!!

I love it it was very interesting from the start .. I was like WTF she has to marry some dude she dont know or lose everything thats alot of pressure for a young girl to make... and whats Ian's problem he better be happy he's getting his daddy's money ....

I want more, please

Interested

This story caught my attention can't wait for more!!!!!

Great!

I can't wait to see how this all unfolds! Please don't have us waiting too long.

Can't wait!

This sure looks like a promising story. Please hurry!

SOOOOO EXCITED

i cant wait until your next update. you have me totally hooked. hurry with you next update please.

Intresting....alredy add to my favorit story....
Want more now please!!!

And then?

A one page teaser requires a fast follow up, to retain your audience. I had forgotten all about this beginning, until I looked back at a few stories.

Next

Or not, right?

please update soon I wanna know what happens next!!!

please continue!!!

Great Start

Waaaay tooo short. You got us now reel us in. It seems to be an interesting story and I would love to read more.

Looking 4 editor

Thanks for your comments. I am looking for an editor.

I also am thinking again about the characters, i.e., why does every hero has to be handsome, wealthy, and sexy. I would like to think that I am not that shallow.

So don't give up on me yet.

intriguing

Please don't make Ian unsexy lol!!!
My only critique of this chapter is that it would be nice if Olivia recognized that by "arranging" this marriage he is also stripping her of her right to choose her own suitor and marry for love. There is a dark element of control there by the father that I felt could have been explored a bit more. Otherwise this is a very cool beginning.

I know this is your first story, and it is 'fiction', but.........

you could have made it a bit more realistic. While I will give you that Ian't parents would want to leave a little something for Olivia given that their son killed her parents, no way in hell would a rich white family give a poor black girl equal share to their fortune and arrange for their son, heir to their throne, to marry a black girl. I'm all for fantasy, but this is one of the most far-fetched stories on this site.
One star

Interesting.

I'm intrigued and avidly waiting for more. You did the introduction into the situation/setting beautifully now I'm just really eager to see how the characters develop and interact with eachother. Please, please keep up the good work, keep writing.

~EnchantedGreen~

I am intrigued...

So far so good. A bit of a "stretch" with the amount of money promised; but, this is fantasy :-)

This has a really good start and I'm really looking forward to seeing where this is going. Really good start.

warmfuzzies

Plz more! I'm intrigued by this chapter!

I love it...

Where is the rest of the story? Please continue.

come on

u really need to finish this story. U cant star a good story like that and leave us hanging for 3 months. pleeeeeeaaaaasssssseeeeeee finish it

Come on man!!

I'm so ready for more !!!!

Stop playing..................

Needs some minor grammatical tweaking, but one hell of an opener!
Work the magic. Ya know
if you build it they WILL Come.......so do it.

Please more........

Okay this story has a great opening and i wonder why you haven't finished it,please it's been month!

Where's The Next Chapter?

Lady, I like where this story is heading. I could literally feel the tension in the room. Anxiously awaiting more from this story. Please update soon. Syn'

Please update soon. It's really good.

wow!!

Please add more. I can tell that this is going to be a really good story!!!!I want to know what happens next

More please

Much much more. Write it yourself

Next chapter please

You have us hooked. I am waiting with baited breath to read what happens next. The first chapter was well thought out and has captured our the readers interest know we want to learn more about these interesting charecters.

Good start

This is the start of a very good story. A few minor glitches can be easily fixed with a little proofreading. I'm looking forward to the rest.

Great story

Great story I really like this story. I hope you get a chance to finish it so we can find out what happens next!

good jump off

Cant wait to read more very good.

Quite caricatural and upsetting

Rich white people coercing a black orphan girl into marrying their only son to teach him and her commitment? Really? So now the white family whose very son accidentally killed her parents wil now take control of her life and dictate her into a 5 years marriage with some one that she doesn't know so that THEY will feel better?? nd to have the black girl explaine that SHE is not racist because she has a white godmother who looks like and angel and is so good to her? And I supposed that we are to side with them because they are SO loving her and they are SO good white people??? It is quite upsetting to say the least!!! I mean, yeah it is fiction but even with Science fiction or supernatural stories there need to be some semblance of...coherence and realism.

Intriguing Storyline...

Eager to read the next chapter. Keep going.

OMGoodness, Really?!!

Wow, did not see this in any story or real life. Drama, the parents are a hoot. Could not have even imagined writing a story like this one. Not in a million.

Caricaturist, but

I do agree with the previous anonymous statement regarding the implausibility of the storyline, but it is what it is; a story. The writer has the right to plot the the development as he/she deems fit. I do like the direction it's now taking so will
continue to read with an open mind.