Hmmm I had to go back and reread to see if I missed the part that didn't match.
I thought it was a break, then a memory, still thinking thats where it was going. As in the first time he noticed her ass it was her place. The time he was recalling, her friends dorm. It wouldn't take much to fix it either way.
First person prologue doesn't require revealing the characters name, the last lines were a preview of whats to come. If it were all up at once, the last bit wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be odd.
For getting your feet wet, great job!
Perhaps maybe a smidge more of her physical reactions as seen through his eyes. He was aware she was interested, but we had no clue. a look, an unnecessary touch, a blush..but then, that may be coming so I might be nitpicking. "wink" :)
English
Minor correction
The end of paragraph 1 says they meet in her (Holly's) apartment, but the next sentence says it was some other girl's apartment.
Also, you mention Robert;'s name for the first time in your description of the next part of the series. Odd...
Hmmm I had to go back and reread to see if I missed the part that didn't match.
I thought it was a break, then a memory, still thinking thats where it was going. As in the first time he noticed her ass it was her place. The time he was recalling, her friends dorm. It wouldn't take much to fix it either way.
First person prologue doesn't require revealing the characters name, the last lines were a preview of whats to come. If it were all up at once, the last bit wouldn't be there and it wouldn't be odd.
For getting your feet wet, great job!
Perhaps maybe a smidge more of her physical reactions as seen through his eyes. He was aware she was interested, but we had no clue. a look, an unnecessary touch, a blush..but then, that may be coming so I might be nitpicking. "wink" :)
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