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English
WHEN SAFETY IS AT PERIL
from worn out clothing and apparel. TK U MLJ LV NV
at first
I wasn't sure if this one clicked for me or not, but when I got to these lines-
The quiet evening light
sifts through her drowning eyes,
which search with fruitless stare
for some new vision
of a sharp and brilliant future.
Nothing appears
to change the awful sameness.
~~~~~
I would however, drop the "her" in front of drowning eyes and words like "quiet" are merely your opinion of th elight and not very necessary to the success of the work but it does okay with it regardless. I was looking at it and thinking how to tighten it up a bit. Feel more than free to disregard my suggestions as you have done a fine job without them.
I do love the lines- "Nothing appears....to change the awful sameness."
I know how that feels and you captured that hopeless feeling in 7 words. Bravo!
I realized this wasn't your first poem, and if it is, you need to send your work out into the rest of the world. It is a definite 5 in my book tonight :)
There are only a couple of things I would change, your use of "like" is understandable though overused. You show a good grasp of how to write a poem and get your message across without being a story teller. A good poem isn't told, and you did a fine job here, There is one cliche, you might want to think about rewriting, that would be the part about swollen eyelids and a dam breaking. I just know you can come up with something fresher than that.
I enjoyed the read. Keep writing, keep up the good work. And never be afraid to try new things!
good work-
~ maria
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