All Comments on 'A Gift From His Father Ch. 01'

by Absolutelywickedthoughts

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  • 66 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
better not stop here!

love these stories. don't give up on continuing this theme...

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
since you are going down that path,

he has some sisters to look up as well.

barepussloverbarepussloverover 11 years ago
Great Read!

Left me wanting more and very soon! Please??

kaisermatthiaskaisermatthiasover 11 years ago
great story!

Grab a proofreader and this could be on top of Literotica. Keep writing!

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Not Bad

Not too bad for what appears to be a first effort, but there are a lot of errors in the story. You might want to find an editor or proofreader to review chapters for grammatical and other errors before posting.

McBaconMcBaconover 11 years ago
Great stuff - needs some polish

First, loved the concept, and I love where it is going.

I just recently went through my first story initiation. I made a lot of the same kinds of mistakes you made with typos and wrong words.

I think you could have caught a goodly percentage of the issues if you read and edited your work a few times. I know it is painful, especially when you got like 7-8 thousand words here, but even if you fixed some of the typos it would be more palatable. This site has a volunteer editor program which you could check out, but there are so many editor options, I found it a little overwhelming. You might get a volunteer from your readers which I would recommend taking up if you get a chance, or you can try asking for an editor in the "editor's forum". That's what I ended up doing..

I know PhantomOp is a volunteer editor with some good instincts and a passion for MC, so you might want to approach him through the site.

Just so you know, you can go back and edit this story to fix it to make it more readable. I would strongly recommend that. I recently resubmitted mine.

The mechanics aren't that complicated. You basically re-submit all of the text with same title and *edit* appended. Then in the "notes" box, indicate that you are replacing the text and put in the end of the URL, like "a-gift-from-his-father-ch-01" to help reduce any confusion.

I like submitting online rather than sending a doc, because you can preview and edit your piece, and you get a couple of days before it finally gets approved. And you can implement bold and italics using markup language, and it will show in the preview.

For the story, you got me worried with consequences. I want our protagonist to make all of the wrong choices, but not get too penalized. Looking forward to the next chapters.

TrilloTrilloover 11 years ago
Well thought out

I definitely like the play of this story. Please continue, I think there is a great potential with ch 1. The mystery, the rhythm of the story, the pace and the building of characters. I Look forward to the next chapters.

michassmichassover 11 years ago
not bad

The initial concept and the box were good. The test that he passed was decently done. As others have said, take a bit more care, think, and edit. Is John Smith, and the ring of power the best you could come up with? Would his friends really recognize him so easily? He can manipulate clothes, and shrink objects to the size of a marble but not change the car? If he was really so concerned with treating April carefully, would he have given in so easily? Also, how did his Mom age from late 30s to late 40s in one day? It sounds like you want to gear this towards incest; please don't.

texhudtexhudover 11 years ago
Very Good

Great story line, I really enjoy the restraint that the ring requires. Looking forward to more

reader018reader018over 11 years ago
Please keep going!!!

Can't wait to see what happens next,so please keep writing!!!

C_frommnC_frommnover 11 years ago
Great Story

I Hope you do continue this story. There are so many choices and things he can do with his New Power. and his Fathers guidance. Maybe he needs to visit his Step Sisters.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
very good

i am looking forward to many sequels to this story. nicely done

digdaddyrichdigdaddyrichover 11 years ago
A super freaky storyline.

The dude can have any female he wants, and has the power to convince them that it was their idea to fuck him.

That's a hell of a good gift his dad gave him.

Now all he has to do, is convince his mom to fuck him and not date other men, just like his dad did to her.

I hope to see more soon.

Thanks for the read.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
about the box

is it connected to the ring, if so how long has it been asking for DNA sample? Modern man has recently discovered DNA so a few generations ago the new owner would not know how to open the box.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Great Story

Love it! I hope to read more soon, and many more afterwards

frillylittlesissyfrillylittlesissyover 11 years ago
Great Start

This story has so much potential. I like that the ring or some aspect of his father in the ring is giving him guidance. Most stories like this just turn into a quick fuckfest. He has a chance for real power and the kind of opportunities for pleasure it brings. More please.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Interesting first chapter

Jerry in Washington state - Although a ring of power is a common plot device, I enjoy how you have introduced several interesting elements - that there are penalties for some poor decisions. I look forward to future chapters.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Great Beginning!

I hope that this is only the 1st in a LONG line of chapters to follow. Great story so far with a lot of potential.

Eric_ShiftEric_Shiftover 11 years ago
Please please please continue this story.

It has me hooked already.

I must know how things go.

buyuacoffeebuyuacoffeeover 11 years ago
This could be a homerun!

Your writing and the story have me hooked. You will be a favorite author here. I look forward to the rest of the story.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Not trying to be a dick or anything, but....

is English a second language for you? I gave this story 3 stars, but only because the plot has promise. Your spelling and grammar are atrocious.

As a few examples:

Breast is singular, and women tend to have two. You should be using breasts.

Breathe is verb and breath is a noun. You used breathe several times when breath was appropriate.

"Quotes," he said, "are always surrounded by quotation marks." This is one of the first things you learn about grammar. I don't know how you messed this up on so many occasions.

I like where this story seems to be headed, but you really need to find an experienced editor to help you make this readable.If you don't want to go through the trouble of finding an editor, at least have the courtesy to proofread the story.

Once again, I'm not trying to be harsh or deliberately unpleasant. You could make this an excellent story with just a little work. If you aren't willing to do the work, then why post the story at all?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 11 years ago

the story line is good enough but the way you write it is atrocious. check your grammar mate, and your facts. better yet get an editor to proof read your stories before you post them. its funny how in the same chapter his mother's in her late 30s in the beginning and then she is in her late 40s towards the end.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 11 years ago
grammar

If it's grammar those two people are on about I suggest they read Charles Dickens it's a brilliant story and John comes across as a nice bloke keep it up!!!! mate your doing alright.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Eroticism is kind of lacking.

I like the story and where its going. Even like the point of "with great power comes great responsibility". My sticking point is the eroticism is lacking. Its not like you're writing the scenes with women in mind or you'd be describing more of the feelings the characters where going through. So whom are you trying to turn on? I certainly didn't feel much when I read about April and John going at it. I'm looking for some excitement on the part of the characters. It doesn't have to be smut but some more description would add to the eroticism. How did Aprils boobs feel in Johns hands when he first got to touch her? etc...

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago

George5xx

About his mother. First Page; She was still a very attractive woman, only in her late thirties.

Third page; Although in her late 40s, she kept her body in excellent shape and maintained a beautiful hour glass shape, maybe a little "top heavy"

I did notice some grammar errors but they didn't take away from the story for me. I will continue reading thank you.

DWornockDWornockalmost 10 years ago
3 stars

because of errors and mother watching him have sex.

rightbankrightbankover 9 years ago
lots of potential here

I like the cautions and limitations in place.

you have my curiosity.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago
Criticism is important thing but,

not as important as being able to write a story people want to read.

I have to admit though, my favorite was her "taunt"nipple". I suppose it did taunt in way.

AnonymousAnonymousover 8 years ago
Has potential but horribly written

The basic premise of this story is ok, but there are major problems with the plot and the writing. I get the feeling (having read about half of the chapters) that you did not think about any actual storyline before you started writing. 11 chapters in, nothing has actually happened. To write a story this long, you need to have a coherent plot and readable characters. You also obviously need to work on your grammar and spelling.

darussiandarussianover 8 years ago
Oh dear lord my eyes are burning

You should really consider the editor program on this site. Autocorrect surely saved you a little, but really, this was painful to read.

I'm hopeful for the next few chapters. But I really have to wonder how this is rated as highly as it is.

RB1947RB1947about 8 years ago
I realize

now why I didn't read anymore of this story the first time I encountered it. At least get a friend to proof read it before posting it.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 8 years ago
I am hoping you read and took to heart the comments you have received

I am hoping you read and took to heart the comments you have received so that the following chapters will tell your story without making you sound illiterate. The story has started out entertainingly, but I can't continue to read it if you don't get it edited before posting.

jkthekatjkthekatabout 7 years ago
Take the comments to heart BUT !

DON'T YOU DARE STOP WRITING! Great plots and stories. Flowing and entertaining. I too get the 'helpful comments and they can stress you out. I overlook the all but blatant bad edits and try to enjoy the offering- don't have to try hard in your case.

Jack

hellinahelmethellinahelmetabout 7 years ago
Thanks....

Thanks partner, really a good read will definitely continue to read more of you if you post more...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 6 years ago
fun but a little silly

He's not supposed to take advantage of April because she is 'not the one' but he does so without 'penalty'.

Also, first his mom was in her late 30's, now she's in her late 40's.

Need to clean up the basics to get 5 stars, but it's still entertaining, if not quite a 'great story' or 'hot and sexy'.

J

FirestromFirestromalmost 6 years ago
Not bad, not good either though

I've read stories similar to this before, but yours has a unique feel to it. Unlimited power can get boring, so good for you for adding some limits, although I would've added different ones. The story itself is good, but the writing needs work. Everything is stilted, and you did an awful lot of telling, rather than showing. Other than that, good job.

illwindillwindover 5 years ago
That was...awful.

There is an interesting story at the core, but everything that was built on top of it just didn't work. Near constant grammar mistakes, far too much reliance on the narrator(you can't just "tell" the reader, you have to actually work exposition into the story in some way), and just plain bad writing ruined the chances for this story. For instance; I'm not sure why you chose to have him weeping for his dead father when we just found out that the guy was keeping his mother as a mental slave. Or when five seconds later John should be figuring this out for himself, he is too busy rushing out to do the same thing to women that his father did to his mother.

I'm glad that the comments reflect what is obviously a story that is in desperate need of work. Though I am disappointed that it has somehow garnered 1k+ faves; while far better written stories are doomed to obscurity.

AnonymousAnonymousover 5 years ago
Sorry, fun concept, poor execution

I skipped ahead 20 chapters to see if you had improved your writing, and you had. You seem to have learned how to use quotation marks for example.... But these early chapters are nearly unreadable i'm afraid, please consider a re-write.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 5 years ago
Great!!!

I have read thousands of stories here and at asst.org. I like mind control stories more than most other categories. Don't let the grammar patrol geeks discourage you. Any one with a brain can decode the grammar errors and get what you meant to say. Keep writing..Id like to see where this goes.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 5 years ago
liking everthing

don't be put off by the naysayers - will be interesting to see where you go

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 4 years ago
Bad Error

Hopefully the error is a one time thing and it gets fixed but it's a very annoying one. When we first meet John's mom, Mary, she is 36 or 37 and then at the end of chapter one she is described as in her late 40's. Not a good start.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 4 years ago
A Good Start...

but there are too many missing pieces, and way too much useless clutter in the story.

AnonymousAnonymousover 3 years ago
Grammar patrol is right

Yes they are. But the story has potential. I wish more authors would be like BurntRedstone, fewer chapters just longer stories. Take the time to create the story line outline the characters make use of a whiteboard for character and story line notes to keep everything in mind to reduce the errors such as moms age. Do a rewrite and reduce the number of chapters and clean up the mistakes. Someone wrote that at ch.20 the story still had not developed. I have only read ch.1 and the errors make for difficult reading, a story should flow along, but it can't with all the errors. It is difficult to proofread your own work because you "read" what was intended to be said and not what was actually written. You do need an editor / proofreader to clean it up and suggest alternatives. I see from your submissions page that you kept writing I hope you used someones assistance to clean it up. Take the time to rewrite the story and merge some of the chapters together after fixing them. But keep on writing.

Anony Mous

roveroneroveroneover 2 years ago

Looking forward to reading more.

While she might not be 'the one' he's fulfilling April's(and love body you've given her-my ideal) fondest wish, while getting her off big time-just experienced enough to really appreciate his new bod...not sure how his mom watching fits in.

AnonymousAnonymousover 2 years ago

Sorry Must agree with..Anon.. grammar patrol is right comments ..other than that, good storyline though..⭐️⭐️⭐️

RegretsRegretsover 2 years ago
Have a Nice Day

This is what all those people meant over the years when they said Have a Nice Day.

AnonymousAnonymousover 2 years ago

I love it-damn the grammar errors I'm sure you'll do like me and have a volunteer editor

spice them up!

auhunter04auhunter04over 2 years ago

I have read several chapters of this presentationand each record seems like a broken record

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 years ago

How old is mom? At one point late 30s and then late 40s. That along with spelling and grammar errors make this story irritating.

Jutah3995Jutah3995about 2 years ago

Very well thought out and interesting story. Amazing writing talent.5🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 so far .

Rancher46Rancher46about 2 years ago

What an interesting story, can't wait to see what happens next. Well done 5 stars.

Marklynda2Marklynda2almost 2 years ago

Back for a reread!

This was one of the first Literotica stories/series I read years ago and I saw it pop up on someone else's favorites list recently so I thought I would reread it as I recall it was very well written and captivating. My thoughts and recollections have been justified! Thank you for sharing your vision and talents.

Chris7swChris7swalmost 2 years ago

If I only too off one star for each 10 grammatical or spelling errors then I'd be left with no more than 3 stars at best, so that's what's happened. And then I also took off another star because of the way this story jerks along like an old engine firing on just three cylinders.

The idea is good but sadly the telling doesn't match.

breaoribreaorialmost 2 years ago

this was my first literotica book i read, i'm back for a reread.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

I like the balance you've set up, between power and self-control.

Michael56SmithMichael56Smithover 1 year ago

I liked the rather slow reveal, and I kept thinking about Stan Lee's famous Spiderman quote: "With great power comes great responsibility", ... A powerful artifact, a ring, not a genie or a space alien, or a magic creature of any sort, made it a little different, ... And yeah, typos galore, making who was speaking difficult to decern at times, ... but these stories are, in general, the work of talented amateurs, ... and this one was a fun starting chapter. ;-) TTFN

ScottishTexanScottishTexanover 1 year ago

I was originally interested in this story from the beginning. It had a slight Rick Riordan feel to it. I was even getting more interested in it when you brought April in as a childhood sweetheart that had been right under his nose the entire time. But then you started ruining the good vibes. The ring says April is not the right girl. Our hero has gifted himself a porn star cock. But the straw that broke the camel's back was bringing Mommy in as a possible sex partner. 😠 😡 I'm already near to dropping this story and reading something else. If you have your main character fuck his own mother, I'll put a 1/5 on each and every chapter to downrate the entire series without wasting any effort reading the rest. This installment gets a 1/5 right now.

Aussie1951Aussie1951over 1 year ago

Fuck me, what I say that haven’t been said. I mean about all the negativity this story has generated. To be fair the storyline itself isn’t too bad but for me that’s it. It’s a shame really that you didn’t get it edited before posting it. I only hope the next chapters show greater improvement..…⭐️⭐️⭐️

roveroneroveroneover 1 year ago

Can't imagine anything freakier than mom standing in doorway, nude, climaxing and screaming just as me and new babe getting off at same time...

And, you write about her as if her small boobs a bad thing...!

While I love all boobs, really like small to medium ones...tho would really prefer she was natural rather than shaved

tinfoilhattinfoilhatabout 1 year ago

I thought his mom was in her late 30's and was on the way to the airport????

blackknight314blackknight3149 months ago

Good job, thanks for sharing your work!

AnonymousAnonymous9 months ago

Wrong category. Mythological gods, extraterrestrial, and other stupidity. This belongs to the sci-fi fantasy category. What a waste.

VerbaliniansVerbalinians6 months ago

Good start, but the grammatical errors are a bit

Time4LuvTime4Luv3 months ago

Slow build no sex until the end, I would have liked to see maybe son and mom hookup after he left the condo. Then hookup with the gals at the mall before he meets his crew. Awsome he finally hooks up with April, I'm not sure yet if I like mom joining. Maybe hearing John and April, masterbating so hard her vibrator ov

Time4LuvTime4Luv3 months ago

Over heated and after April falls asleep or takes a shower. John senses mom wanting to hookup again. Tit sizes very that's fine, dick sizes should mostly be average 5 to 7 inches but at least you had nice clean shaven pussies. Nothing worse than getting curly pubic hair back of the throat gag plus the odor that builds up. Fun story and I'm terrible at English punctuation so I barely notice lol...

AnonymousAnonymousabout 1 month ago

The story starts out like it has potential, but gets progressively worse. If you've read the first chapter, you've read the best. Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time.

Anonymous
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