A Gift From His Father Ch. 02

Shaping up nicely

I meant the story but that applies to the women as well.

That scene with Lizzy at the bank was fun. Now we wonder what we don't know about the ring.

I'm not sure how the idea of Dad mentoring John is going to playout. It seems too convienient a device.

But I am loving the story so far. I'm even glad you sort of shutdown the mother-son angle. In almost every story I read here, it would have exploded. Nice to have a little variety.

a very good start....eagerly anticipating more

I'm loving the way the story is unfolding - need to keep writing so I can keep reading this wonderful story !! Keep it up !!

Great story!

Please keep writing...I find myself constantly looking to see if you've added more:)

Excellent second chapter

Jerry in Washington state, USA - Too often, the 2nd chapter of a story is a bit of a let down after the first chapter. But you avoided that. I really liked that John is trying to do good with the power of the ring and I look forward to John maybe getting together with Lizzy. I also enjoyed that John was able to resist sex with his mother, but I wonder how much longer he will be able to resist - since he obviously is attracted to her. Many interesting possible story scenarios available - I look forward to what you share with us. Thanks for one of the most interesting reads I've come across in recent months.

great story

I was a bit annoyed when you had him command his mother to not think about him sexually again. I thought "oh great, this is gonna be a mind-control story with no incest." Then later you had him notice how hot she was - hoping this leads to him eventually undo that command.

After all that advice...

I worked through the first chapter, but shortly in the second you mis-use the word 'reminisce', and then provide this sentence.

"You are not nor have you ever been sexual attraction to me. I am you son and that would be wrong"

Sorry, had to stop reading. You are making me do work that you should have done.

wanting more

I really enjoyed your story, both chapters are excellent. Although I did notice some of the grammatical errors, it dod not keep me form reading and enjoying the rest. I hope you can finish another chapter done soon.

Quote from your author's note.

"Thanks for your fine feedback. I have taken it all into consideration. And now Chapter 2." That's a direct quote, and apparently "taken it all into consideration" means "completely ignored."

You not only made the same grammatical/spelling mistakes mentioned in the previous chapter's comments, but you added new errors as well.

Losing ten pounds would not make anyone so skinny that their normal underwear just fall off after a few movements. Even if they did, if they were really that loose after losing ten pounds, then why didn't they hit the floor on her way to the bathroom?

Look, I understand that it's hard to proofread your own work, but it seems like you aren't even trying. Just banging out every random thought that pops into your head and submitting it as soon as you hit a certain length isn't going to make you a good writer. Put a little pride into the story, polish it up and everyone will be happier, including you.

I'm honestly bewildered as to how these stories are all rated so highly. I'm giving you three stars again. I would rate the story less, after your quote in the author's note, except for the fact that you also managed to improve the plot a little over this last chapter.

Great potential...

Please don't take this wrong. The idea here is to try to help you write a better story. Your story has great potential, but your word usage and punctuation (particularly when writing dialogue) could be better. And improving your writing will improve both your enjoyment as a writer as well as your readers appreciation of your story.

A couple of suggestion that helped my writing:

Read Whispersecrets How to "How to make Characters Talk." (http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-character s-talk). It's an easy read and very helpful for writing character conversations.

Hook up with one of the Literotica volunteer editors. They can be very helpful in helping you to spot word usage and punctuation issues as well as helping you with storyline development suggestions.

GR8

more of this type pleassssssssseee

the cast of characters is growing

and becoming even more interesting.

hmmm

you are quickly moving this story to one of my favorites. not there yet but moving in the right direction...lol...i love what you are doing with lizzie and tammy.
GOOD SO FAR!!!

suit - suite: difference

suit is gent's clothing.
suite is a collection of matched furniture

I sure hope

the editing of this story improves quickly. I don't think I can read much more despite the core of a potentially good story underneath the incredibly bad grammar and spelling.