day dreaming

Yeah

It sucks to lose someone. thanks

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I like the idea of this poem, day dreaming. But honestly, not so much the approach. I particularly dislike the rhyming — but then, you know I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to rhymes and such, so don't take me too seriously.

In any case, here is what I'm thinking.

I think you should consider further what exactly you want to convey with this poem. Given the subject, there are several ways this could go.

You could write a poem about someone who is having an awesome dream, who suddenly wakes up and finds out that it wasn't real. In it, you'd try to get the reader excited, only to make him suddenly "wake up", too, the same as the narrator, conveying the feeling of being left unfulfilled.

Alternatively, you could write a poem about being awake, seeing a woman that leads to day dreaming, and waking up when she steps out of sight (maybe, never to be seen again)... In it, you'd try to convey the feeling of longing.

As I said, there are many, many ways "day dreaming" could go. I feel your poem is going at it unfocused on an idea / plan.

Try to reduce what you already have, here. And you do have some good lines. If you come back to this, try to make the whole thing tighter, smaller, work on getting that condensed "one idea" juice out.