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English
Good start
A little gothic for my taste but still fun. Interesting character you have there. looking forward to more
I am not into mental control
but, Stultus writes a lot of good fantasy pieces and as usual he has hooked me!
ME THINKS A DOUBLE GAME IS A FOOT
and of of the victims is I. TK U MLJ LV NV
Sentence Length
It's clear that you're proud of your rich vocabulary and want to use it to add to your imagery, and that's fine. But it's far more important to make a text readable, even if it means modifying or cutting out detail.
The biggest problem with this piece is that it has extremely poor pacing and flow. Your sentence length is abysmal and ruins what would otherwise be a good read.
The average novel has a sentence length of 13 words. Yours is 20. That's not good.
nice start to my favorite of character types...
the reluctant hero. someone who is almost never the type to care about the world around him until it impacts him directly. of course then her or her has no choice but to be dragged into the world he always avoided and finds that they are a part of that world whether they knew it or not.... anyway i liked this chapter.
i tend to avoid out-and-out fantasy on literotica, but i saw promise in the character right off the bat and see even more as he gets involved in solving these crimes, no matter where they lead him. admittedly sad that danelle died, but understand the reason. good story, thanks.
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