seems like you had two different story lines going, couldn't decide which one to use and somehow ended up merging the two - very confusing to read
When you tried to divide the stories, you almost lost me and probably your other readers as well. The ending was good when you brought everything back in focus.
It got too confusing to read so I stopped less than halfway through the first page.
multiple stories with one plot and theme. Maybe if you could tie them together a little more. TK U MLJ LV NV
Guess those readers who can't keep two things in mind at the same time would have trouble with this. Perhaps reading other literature might help???
Pretty good effort, all in all.
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