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Absolutely Awesome
As an observation this still seems lazy.
Why are they doing what they are doing? What is their relationship with each other? Who are they? What is the back story which led to the scene which plays out above?
Nothing really gets answered, not really. It is just a tableau.
And its lazy because everything plays out exactly as the average reader would want it to - graphicly. If you can write it then its written andwithout any sweat. Lazy.
You have written much better than this.
Lexie
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